Our tradition for April Fool's is to publish stories that we'd like to be true.
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Our tradition for April Fool's is to publish stories that we'd like to be true.
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April, 2008 . . . Published Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.
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CLINTON AND OBAMA AGREE TO RESOLVE DEMO NOMINATION IN MUD WRESTLING MATCH Little Rock: Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama have reportedly agreed to a method to resolve their deadlocked attempts to win the Democratic Party presidential nomination. The candidates will have a mud wrestling contest. The candidate mud wrestling contest will not be a continuation of the political mud each has been throwing at the other. The candidates will in fact strip down to bathing suits and go at it in a vat of mud at Cranky's Roadhouse just outside of Little Rock. The candidate mud wrestling contest will be held June 5th. Whoever wins the wrestling match will get all the super delegates votes at the convention. "This will set a new precedent for campaigning," said Chester Arthur III, political scientist at the General Delivery University. "And it won't be fatal like the duels people had in the 19th century." Details of the candidate mud wrestling contest have yet to be worked out, such as what the definition of "winning" would be. Representatives of both campaigns are meeting at a secret location to work this out. "Hillary obviously has a going-in advantage in the negotiations," said Arthur, "because Bill has undoubtedly seen his fair share of these contests in bars all over America." One major issue facing the candidate negotiating teams is whether Hillary will have the benefit of a handicap because she's a woman. "Coed mud wrestling contests aren't that common, at least legally," said Arthur. "Obviously she's going to have to wear a one piece swim suit in the match." "Hillary probably has a significant advantage as far as experience goes," said Sam Cranky, owner of Cranky's Roadhouse. "She's been wrestling with bill's mud for decades. And Obama's fancy speeches won't count for much in the pit." The conventional mud throwing that has dominated the Clinton Obama contest in recent weeks has turned off many Democrats. "We don't want them to damage each other so badly that neither can beat McCain next November," said Julia Pearchip, a super delegate from Pennsylvania. Pearchip quoted the late Morris K. Udall, who ran for president in 1976: "he who throws mud loses ground." Pearchip thought the mud wrestling contest was a much better way of using mud in a political campaign. "Their reputations will be intact, except whomever loses will probably never engage in a mud wrestling contest for the rest of their lives. And whoever wins will be uniquely qualified to deal with Congress." Another issue facing the two candidates' negotiating teams is who will own the mud after the wrestling match for sale on eBay. REAL ADVERTISEMENTS - HELP KEEP US ALIVE ON THE WEB
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APRIL FOOL'S EDITION US TROOPS TO BE OUT OF IRAQ IN 90 DAYS Washington: President George W. Bush announced today that all US troops would be out of Iraq by July 1, 2008. "I've realized the war was a complete waste of our military lives and our treasury," said a contrite Bush. "The US is not safer from terrorists because we invaded Iraq. In fact, things got worse." Pentagon officials praised Bush's sudden change of policy. "We really weren't able to continue the Iraq war effort and maintain any kind of reasonable force levels in the rest of the world," said General William Petronius, head of the Joint Chief of Staffs. Many of the troops being pulled out of Iraq will be redeployed to Afghanistan. "We're going to finish the original mission we started out trying to do which is to beat the crap out of Al Qaeda," said Petronius. CHENEY RESIGNS AS VICE PRESIDENT Washington: Moments after President Bush announced he was bringing all our troops home from Iraq, Vice President Cheney resigned. "Obviously the little guy isn't listening to me any more," said Cheney as he stalked out of the White House. Cheney is rumored to be next in line to be president of the National Rifle Association. CLINTON AGREES TO RUN AS OBAMA'S VICE PRESIDENT In a move that caught everyone, including her husband Bill , by surprise, Hillary announced today that she was willing to run on the ticket as Obama's vice president in November. "I've spent most of my life playing second fiddle to men, so what's new," said Hillary. "And contrary to popular belief, I can count." Rumor's are that the only condition Hillary has for taking the second chair in the campaign is that Obama would appoint Bill as ambassador to Rwanda if elected. STOCK MARKET SOARS OVER 1,000 POINTS New York: Upon hearing that the US was finally getting out of Iraq, stock traders went on a frenzied buying spree, pushing the Dow Jones average up 1,104 points in the heaviest trading seen in years. "We're finally going to quit hemorrhaging money trying to civilize the Iraqis, and start investing our funds in stuff at home," said one stock trader. OIL PRICES PLUMMET TO $60 A BARREL Geneva: Oil prices dropped like a stone after the Saudi Arabian oil minister announced that OPEC production would be doubled in order to avoid an economic collapse caused by outrageous oil prices. "It finally dawned on us that the higher we drove up oil prices, the less value the US dollar had, which was a self-defeating spiral that would end up with us sitting on all that oil with no one buying it." The Saudi's denied the sudden increase in oil production had anything to do with the US announcing it was getting out of Iraq. "It did occur to us that the resulting civil war in Iraq would dry up any oil exports from that sources, which we could quickly replace and make oodles of money," said the oil minister. BIN LADEN CONVERTS TO CHRISTIANITY, RENOUNCES TERRORISM Somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan: Osama bin Laden, in an announcement that caught the world by surprise, announced he had converted to become a Jehovah's Witness. "This clean cut guy showed up at my cave offering me a pamphlet called the Watch Tower, and I was hooked," said bin Laden. How the JW found bin Laden in the first place remains a mystery, but followers of bin Laden considered it a miracle that the lair of the arch terrorist was found by anyone from America given all the efforts the US government has made in that regard. FEDERAL RESERVE RESCUES MILLIONS OF HOMEOWNERS FACING FORECLOSURE Washington: The Federal Reserve announced this morning that it was buying all subprime mortgages and discounting them heavily to allow millions of homeowners to avoid foreclosure. "We will buy every portfolio of mortgages in the country, put a 3 month freeze on all foreclosures, and then offer homeowners new mortgages at 60% of their face value, amortized over 30 years, at 4% interest," said a spokesman for the Fed. DEATH PENALTY SOUGHT FOR MORTGAGE BROKERS WHO MADE IMPRUDENT LOANS TO PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T AFFORD THE HOUSES Washington: Senator Barry Fuller, (D) Baja Arizona, introduced new legislation today that would make it a capital offense retroactively for anyone who wrote a sub prime mortgage for a homebuyer they knew couldn't afford the loan. "I think if we execute a few of these folks, no one is going to dare do this again," said Fuller. LEGAL STATUS OFFERED TO MILLIONS OF MEXICANS INSIDE THE US Washington: New legislation sponsored by 61 members of the Senate and 400 members of the US House of Representatives, was introduced today that would immediately grant residency status to approximately 12 million Mexicans living illegally in the US. "We realized we are never going to deport them so lets face reality," said Senator Chris Kingle, also from Baja Arizona (which is located on the US-Mexico border). To get their legal residency status, an illegal residing in the US on or before April 1st would have to pay the US government $2,000, which is approximately what has been paid by illegals to coyotes to get into the country. The new residency status would allow the immigrants to live and work in the US for 5 years, with an automatic renewal upon payment of another $2,000. Immigrants wanting to become US citizens could earn their way to citizenship by holding a job and paying state and federal income taxes for 10 years, and passing a test in English. A citizenship application would also cost $2,000. Anyone crossing the border after April 1st would not be eligible for this program, and would face immediate deportation. "Applicants for residency will have to prove they were in the US before April 1st," said Kingle. Border Patrol agents will be lined up along the US-Mexican border for the near future. "We don't care who is already inside the US...they're here and there's not much we can do about it," said Kingle. "But we will crack down on any further illegal entry." Citizens of other countries who still want to come to the US could apply for a separate work visa, also costing $2,000. "We will use that money to actually hire people to process the applications so we can grant them in something under 22 years," said Kingle. CHINA FREES TIBET Bejing: Chinese leaders, worried that continuing conflict in Tibet would hurt the Olympic Games, announced today that all military presence was being withdrawn from Tibet and that the Dali Lama was free to return to the country. "Even though we still think the Dali Lama is a jackal, there's really no reason why we need to continuing trying to control that vast wasteland to our west," said Lao Tsu, Chinese foreign minister. The Dali Lama, upon hearing the news that Tibet was being freed, howled at the moon. BRITTNEY SPEARS BECOMES NUN Beverly Hills: Pop star and perennial rehab resident Brittney Spears announced today she was becoming a nun and joining a convent that is committed to silence. The world's entertainment media held a candlelight vigil in front of the convent hoping for a miracle. US TO GO TO 100% RENEWABLE ENERGY BY 2030 Washington: In another move that caught virtually everyone by surprise, President George W. Bush announced today that he would lead the effort to make the United States 100% reliable on renewable energy by 2030. "I think being dependent on fossil fuels is just plain dumb," said Bush. "And being dependent on those crazy bastards in the Middle East for oil is even dumber." Sources indicate the Bush family divested themselves of all oil company interest in the weeks leading up to the renewable energy announcement. Bush's plan to make the US 100% renewable energy involves creating federal tax credits for the use of biofuels, solar panels, wind generation, hydrid cars, fuel cell technology, and a host of other alternative energy sources provided that all components or supplies are made or grown inside the United States. "It is real simple," said Bush, "if we have to grow or manufacture everything related to having renewable energy inside our own country, that's gonna create a whole lotta jobs." > |
NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA TUCSON STOPS GROWING A new population study released today indicated that Tucson and Pima County have stopped growing. "Births and deaths were equal," said William Broth, head of the Pima County Demographic Studies Institute, "and out migration equaled in migration." The out and in migration business was about people leaving the region equaled the number of people moving in. "The fact that the total population remained essentially the same is the first time since the 1880's that has happened," said Broth. The only other time Tucson and Pima County stopped growing was when the city was besieged by Apache attacks in the 1860's. Tucson's metro area population is roughly one million. Homebuilders were shocked to learn that growth had ceased. "There's no market for building new homes if there's no additional people moving into the area," said Sandy Shores, spokeswoman for the Tucson Growth Machine. Newcomers can find a reasonable supply of relatively new houses by purchasing them from the folks leaving the city. Fears were widespread that Tucson could actually experience a population decline in the coming few years. "If people wake up to all the problems and liabilities we have in the area, they'll quit coming," said Shores. "And the reason people leave the area is they figure out this isn't the paradise they thought it was." If population starts declining, home prices are likely to follow, said Broth. "We've already had about a 20% decline in home prices since the Bush Recession started, and if there remains a glut of vacant houses on the market, prices will fall even further." Falling home prices could actually speed up the exodus of people from Tucson. "People panic and feel like they have to get out before prices drop below their mortgage levels," said Shores. Tucson is in fact surrounded by ghost towns originating from the days when the mining industry went bust and people abandoned entire communities. "We could end up being one of the biggest ghost towns in the West," said Broth, as he packed up a trailer and headed for Las Vegas. NOGALES GOVERNMENT RESIGNS In a move that shocked virtually no one in Santa Cruz County, the entire city council of Nogales resigned today. Three of the council members were facing a recall election in September. Two of the other three were facing term limits ending by December. The mayor had died last December and his vacant seat had not been filled. "For $25 a month it wasn't worth taking all this caca," said one resigning council member. No one had a clue as to how to replace the entire city council, since there was no one to vote to appoint a replacement. Thus, the city effectively has no elected government. Citizens of the small border town rejoiced at the complete absence of a mayor and council. "Since the elected people never did anything except help out their compadres, and didn't even know what the difference was between policy and administration, nothing will really change day-to-day," said one local resident. City employees were overjoyed at the absence of elected officials running the government. "Now there's no one who can threaten to take away our jobs if we don't bend the rules for one of their cronies," said one city employee. The local newspaper worried that it would be hard to sell newspapers without a regular supply of stories about the stupid fighting that had dominated city hall news for the last year. A special election will be held to fill the vacant seats, but many are suspecting no candidates will seek the offices.
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BACK ISSUES
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS
THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
SELF HELP ADVICE
WRECK YOUR LIFE GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT
TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST
TAKE OUR SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY TEST
BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS
NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED
TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS
INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING
FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES
CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD
THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)
BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE
FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND
MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR
TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS
NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS
BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND
BANDERSNATCH GUIDES
BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS
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