TUCSON: In a report which caught most of the health fanatic sector of our population by surprise, scientists at the General Delivery University have discovered that many of the commonly used food additives are actually beneficial to human health.

"We were studying the effects of maltodextrin on rats to see how much of the stuff it took to induce cancer," said Dr. Frank N. Stein with the GDU Food Lab, "and we discovered that it actually increased the rat's sexual appetite."

Further research showed that cellulose gel increased hair growth, and calcium caseinate improved bone strength.

"We started feeding our test subjects nothing but additives, in the form of Ultra Slim Fast, and the rats' health improved dramatically," said Stein.

Translating the study of the health effectives of food additives to humans was easy, according to the GDU scientist. "We simply followed people home who purchased large quantities of the Slim Fast stuff, and discovered that in virtually every case, they had lost weight and had generally improved their health."

The significance of the GDU research was not lost on the makers of chemical additives. "We told you so," said one.

GIANT GROUND HOG SEEN SOUTH OF TUCSON

TUCSON: A giant ground hog was sighted south of Tucson.

The ground hog, which stood almost 200 feet tall, was caught in a rare photograph of the elusive creature.

"There have been rumors of giant ground hogs south of the city for years, " said Phil Brick, vice president of ASARCO Mining Corporation. The large number of giant holes and huge piles of dirt at the ASARCO copper mine south of Tucson had given rise to the huge ground hog rumor. "Just because our mine looks like a giant ground hog village doesn't mean there are such critters," added Brick.

It had been claimed by members of the scientific community that the huge holes were solely caused by the mining operation. However, the photo provides irrefutable evidence that giant ground hogs are the cause.

Thousands of Tucsonans have staked out the ground hog village in the hope of catching sight of one of the enormous rodents on Ground Hog Day. "Now we've got a tourist attraction that rivals the Loch Ness Monster," said Sally Rally, head of the Tucson Visitors Bureau.

ASARCO officials were not amused by the sighting of the giant Ground hog. "We're a copper mining company, and that's all we do here," said Brick. "I guess we'll just have to shoot the damned thing the next time he pokes up his head."

The giant ground hog did in fact see his shadow, but in a place where there really is no winter, no one knows what this will mean.

HOME DEPOT REACHES OUT FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS

Realizing that women make up a significant portion of the market, Home depot recently unveiled a proto-type store that is more oriented to female shoppers.

"We're not selling pink hammers and powerder vlue tools," said Henry Phixtor, head of the marketing department.

"We see serious construction being done by the ladies,"he added.

New departments include skin and fingernail protection products such as Home Depot's new TOUGHER THAN NAILS nail polish, which is guaranteed to survive putting your hands into mortor and mixing it.

The national store chain is also going to broaden its education program for customers.

"We're going to offer classes in the use of construction tools exclusively for women, and at the same time, offering cooking classes for men," said Phixtor. "We figure then men know as little about kitchen tools as the women know about what's in the guy's tool shed."

The chain is also planning a construction woman clothing department featuring tasteful but tough apparel that can be worn while re-rooffing the home, and also function nicely on a country and westerm dance floor.

25% OF HOMES DECLARED CRITICAL HABITAT

WASHINGTON: The common American household Dust Bunny has been designated as a endangered species, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service (USF&WS) announced last week.

"The widespread use of household cleaning products and devices has drastically reduced the habitat of the Dust Bunny," said Noah Present, Acting Director of the Endangered Species Program. "American homes are cleaned too frequently, and much better than in the past."

"We are not to blame for the improper use of our products," responded a spokesperson for the Household Products Association. "Correctly used, many of the Dust Bunnies should survive."

In addition to designating Dust Bunnies as an endangered species, USF&WS also established critical habitat for the critters.

"Twenty-five percent of every dwelling unit in the country must be left uncleaned," announced Present.

The Dust Bunny preserves in each home are required to permit the Dust Bunnies the opportunity to breed. The required preserve must include space beneath beds, sofas, and under refrigerators.

"However, if a person feels it would be an undue hardship to leave a quarter of their home uncleaned, we have a Dust Bunny Habitat Protection Program available," noted Present.

A person seeking to clean their entire home can pay another person to leave more than 25 of their home uncleaned, advised Present.

"This is wonderful," said Angela Ashes, who promptly signed up to never clean her home in exchange for Dust Bunny Habitat Protection payments. "Now, instead of paying someone to clean my house, I get paid to leave it dirty."

New home construction would not be affected by the Dust Bunny protection program, so long as each new homebuyer signed a covenant at the time of purchase of their homes to always leave 25 of the home uncleaned. The deed restriction requiring the dirty area could be enforced by the FBI.

USF&WS also plans to reduce the number of cleaning people in the country, to assure the survival of the Dust Bunnies. "We will pay for re-education to less environmentally dangerous jobs such as participant in a Survivor show," said Present.