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JANUARY 2005
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PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES, BAD WEATHER GIANT PRARIE
DOG TUCSON: A giant prarie dog was sighted south
of Tucson, Baja Arizona, over the
weekend. The prarie dog, which stood almost 200 feet tall, was caught in a
rare photograph of the elusive creature.
"There have been rumors of giant prarie dogs south of the city for
years, " said Phil Brick, vice president of ASARCO Mining Corporation. The
large number of giant holes and huge piles of dirt at the ASARCO copper
mine south of Tucson had given rise to the huge prarie dog rumor. "Just
because our mine looks like a giant prarie dog village doesn't mean there
are such critters," added Brick.
It had been claimed by members of the scientific community that the
huge holes were solely caused by the mining operation. However, the photo
provides irrefutable evidence that giant prarie dogs are the cause.
Thousands of Tucsonans have staked out the prarie dog village in the
hope of catching sight of one of the enormous rodents. "Now we've got a
tourist attraction that rivals the Loch Ness Monster," said Sally Rally,
head of the Tucson Visitors Bureau.
Some enterprising Tucsonans had suggested erecting a 200 foot high
concrete prarie dog on top of the mine tailings piles, to attract
tourists. "Golly, if there really are giant prarie dogs, then we just have
to create a lookout point for them," said one local resident.
ASARCO officials were not amused by the sighting of the giant prarie
dog. "We're a copper mining company, and that's all we do here," said
Brick. "I guess we'll just have to shoot the damned thing the next time he
pokes up his head."
Local animal rights activists were horrified at the possibility that
the giant prarie dog would be killed. "They should stop mining
immediately," said Ginger Snap, head of Animals Before Humans.
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Scientists at the General Delivery University have discovered a link between the rotation of the planet Earth and various phenomena such as earthquakes and bad weather.
"The planet is rotating in a eastward direction at a speed of something like 1000 miles per hour," said Willy B. Greene, chief scientist at the GDU Institute of Astrology and Astrophysics.
"The land surface isn't exactly glued to what's underneath, causing the surface to lag just a little as the planet rotates," noted Greene. "This causes big chunks of the surface to slip and slide around, causing earth quakes."
The atmosphere slips even more, added Greene.
"The gravity of the planet can't hold all that air still, so as the planet rotates, the ground moves ahead of the air, stirring it up into storms," said Greene.
The oceans slosh around as a result, Greene also explained.
"And when you combine an earthquake, the planetary rotation, and all the water, you get a real mess," Greene noted.
People living on the surface are just like so many ants in the face of all this vast movement, Greene added.
"We are being very presumptuous in assuming our cities and hamlets are immune from being totally obliterated by the forces unleashed by the planet's movement," Greene said.
"The only way to eliminate all these risks is to stop the rotation, which would have a lot of other seriously unpleasant results," Greene concluded.
DISNEY PLANS CASINO IN VEGAS
ANAHEIM: Unconfirmed reports suggest that as his last act of milking the Disney legend, Michael Eisner is on the verge of announcing a new joint venture to open up the first Disney Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
The Disney Hotel and Casino would mix traditional Disney characters with family oriented gambling, suggested an insider at the Disney headquarters who supports ousting Eisner as soon as possible.
A separate kid-only casino would provide children to opportunity to play on slot machines to win Disney Cash which can then be spent in the Disney store at the casino. The kid casino would also include the world's largest video game arcade.
"We suspect the kids would spend as much money in their casino as mom and dad will blow in the adult games area," said a Disney outsider.
A kid casino floor in Reno inspired the idea, we are told.
"The neat thing about the Reno operation is the kids have to walk through the adult casino to get to their venue," said the outsider, "and thus get hooked on the sound of slot machines at an early age."
GODDESS SUPPRESSION BLAMED FOR GLOBAL WARMING
TUCSON: Scientists at the General Delivery University have unequivocally concluded that the systematic suppression of the Goddess is responsible for global warming.
"Before the male dominated forms of modern religion succeeded in diminishing the equal status of women and justified the power over concept of Man's relationship to Nature, humans had enough respect for the environment to understand any attempts to manipulate it were likely to backfire," said Carol Yung, Professor of Religious Studies at the GDU.
"With the advent of the destruction of Goddess religions, men presumed they had dominion over Nature and the result is a looming planetary disaster," added Yung.
In the early days of civilization, male gods and female goddesses held co-equal status resulting in peaceful agricultural societies. However, another strain of humanity that survived by herding animals figured out that it was easier to steal food and women than to develop the capacity to produce the necessities of life through hard work and cooperation. One by one the Goddess worshipping civilizations were attacked and overrun by the herders, and male war gods replaced peaceful female grain goddesses, noted Yung.
"The essence of Goddess religions was harmony and balance between the yin and yang of the human psyche, between good and evil, and between nurturing and conquest," added Yung.
"Obviously at some point in the evolution of modern society, the male-dominant approach overran the balance with the female view, and women were written out of religious doctrine," said Yung.
"In what is probably the greatest public relations fraud in history, women were marginalized, along with their values of respect for Nature" added Yung.
The end product of this bamboozlement is a reliance on technology to solve all problems, with the consequence that the world's climate is rapidly changing for the worse.
TOO MUCH DEMOCRACY FOR IRAQ
WASHINGTON: As a solution to the continuing insurrection in Iraq, a growing number of US officials are quietly suggesting that the country be divided up into 3 states, under a federal constitution.
A separate Sunni state, a Kurd state and a Shiite state would be created with virtually total sovereignty within each state's borders, goes the idea floating around the Potomac.
A federal central government would also be created holding the power to market oil, and divide up the revenue between the three states, with each state having an equal vote in that decision.
"There are two advantages to dividing Iraq up among its various ethnic and religious warring factions," suggested an expert on such things. "The first is it institutionalizes the conflict so the Arabs inside Iraq will spend most of their time and energy fighting each other and ignoring us," said the expert.
The second positive attribute of the proposal is it eliminates the problems pure democracy would create in Iraq, thus letting the US get out of the country as soon as possible.
"Under a pure democracy concept, the Shiites are going to get total control of the Iraqi government, which pisses off the Sunnis and the Kurds," said the expert. "This in turn is fueling the fighting, because whoever wins is going to get even with the former oppressors."
"Too much democracy is not a good thing," added the expert. "Just look at the US. If we didn't have the weird structure of our government, New York and California would dominate everything and the people living in the red states would be overrun."
As the US has its own internal war going on between the fundamentalists and secularists, with the deck currently stacked in favor of protecting the power of the minority fundamentalists, a similar solution for Iraq seems in order under the Bush regime, our expert added.
BANDERSNATCH WIPED OUT
The Frumious Bandersnatch suddenly disappeared because the outfit that hosted the site just made it vanish without warning. Maybe it was that story about Satan endorsing Bush. No, we're not paranoid. We've been doing this a long time and we're certain the government never tries to suppress dissent. And there really is a Santa Claus.
Anyway, we're back. We lost most of the stuff that was available from this web site, and will reconstruct as much of it as is worth doing. So don't hold out much hope.
But, on a monthly basis, we'll still be throwing our two cents worth out into cyberspace.
Free and worth twice the price.
TORTURE EXPERTS REHABILITATED -- BECOME WEEDEATER DESIGNERS
TUCSON: The General Delivery University is proud to announce that its program to rehabilitate former US soldiers involved in prison abuse in iraq has been successful.
"We explored the problem of what to do you do with people who used torture for their amusement, and then found themselves back in the US looking for a job," said Professor Gerhard Schmidt, PhD with the GDU Department of Occupational Rehabilitation.
"The only real skills these people have is to devise really nasty methods of torturing people," said Schmidt.
"Then one day we had an idea of a job these people could perform that would put them into main stream society, give then good livings, yet fully utilize their brutality skills," added Schmidt.
"We made them weed eater designers," Schmidt crowed.
"Weed eaters are nefarious devices that never work for very long, and must be replaced, usually annually," noted Schmidt. "Since there is a huge supply of weed infested property, the need for weed eaters and their annual replacement is a huge industry in America."
The former torture experts proved to be highly qualified to design new weed eaters that would be maddening to use before they ultimately failed.
"My favorite was woman who came up with a weed eater whose line would never feed, requiring the user to constantly stop and pull the monofilament line out with a pliers, every 5 minutes," said Schmidt.
Another successful design was the weed eater whose motor rested against a person's arm while in use, heated up, and burnt the user. "That one was created by the commander of the prison in Iraq," said Schmidt.
"A criteria for successful design was the device had to be more than annoying. It had to cause real psychological stress," said Schmidt. "But, the defect had to just pass under the US standards for recalling the device, because the people using the thing must not realize the defect was intentional."
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