The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

THE OFFICIAL SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER OF BAJA ARIZONA

June 15 to July 15, 2005


DEER SEEN AS NEW TERRORIST THREAT

WASHINGTON: The rapidly growing population of White Tail Deer is now officially America's new terrorist threat, the Department of Homeland Security announced today.

"Recent statistics show that over 150 Americans were killed by deer last year," said Homeland Schtuppenfurer Arnold Bosch.

Over a million deer also died as a result of jumping in front of cars on America's highways.

"It is obvious that the deer are engaging in the same tactics as the Iraq insurgency with roadside based attacks on American vehicles," said Bosch.

Unconfirmed rumors are that the deer have organized to oust the American occupiers of their fields and forests.

"It cannot be a coincidence that deer are jumping in front of cars from Maine to Oregon," said Bosch.

The efforts to suppress the deer terrorist attacks include an unlimited open season on all deer, allowing any American to shoot a deer on sight.

"We have to be very suspicious of all this increased deer activity, and remove this threat to ordinary Americans," Bosch added.

Animal rights activists immediately objected to the new open season on deer.

"This is a thinly disguised scheme by the Bush Administration to appease George's Texas buddies, the gun lobby, and hunters," said Beverly Everly, head of Critters Over People.

The White House denied any attempt to expand hunters rights, but defended the provision in the new crackdown on deer allowing people to shoot deer from their vehicles.

"What are you going to do--allow the deer on the road to kill you first?" asked White House spokesman Strom Thurmd the Third.

In an anonymous communiqué, the deer fired back demanding that they be granted road crossing rights, and proportional representation in Congress.

"Until our rights are protected from the occupation settlers, we will continue to organize our militias, and destroy as many SUVs as we can," the deer said.


RELIGIOUS EXTREMISTS SEEK TO OVERTHROW GOVERNMENT

The Bandersnatch recently learned of a plot by Christian religious extremists to overthrow the government of the United States.

"The various Christian extremists who believe the US government must be governed according to their interpretation of the Bible have organized their forces, taken over the Republican Party, control of the US House, and are working on gutting the separation of church and state by ousting secularists from the US Supreme Court," said Jose Sam, Statutory Agent of the Bandersnatch.

"What is really frightening, is we've got Bush's Crusaders in Iraq beating the crap out of the Muslims, all these preachers demanding we put God back inyo government, and the people of America are like sheep," Sam said.

"What is going in in America right now is the same sort of fundamentalist power grab that happened in Iran and other places in the Mid East in the name of Islam," Sam said.

Sam discovered the religious conspiracy by reading a recent issue of Time Magazine.


BANDERSNATCH VACATION ADVICE Click here for vacation music

Are you tired of the usual vacation to somewhere like Disneyworld or Hawaii?

A really good vacation has to be an "adventure".

What is an "adventure"? It is when things go so wrong on a trip that the story you get to tell about what happened is much better than the actual experience. Like, after you get lost, your rented car breaks down, it starts raining, no one speaks English, you really need a ride to the airport 500 miles away, and you hitch a ride on a bottle truck...that's when the "adventure" starts.

SHARK FISHING OFF THE FLORIDA KEYS: For a few hundred dollars (no American Express), you can rent a tiny little boat and fish for really big sharks with a hand line. You hook a shark. It must be a big shark. A mean shark. Bigger than the boat. Then a hurricane comes. A big hurricane. You fight your way back to land. For a few dollars more, you can get another boat and crew who will videotape your Hemmingway-esq battle with the "fish".

HUNTING FOR A PARKING SPACE IN A PARKING GARAGE IN LOS ANGELES DRIVING A SUBURBAN: The Quest makes for a very interesting adventure, but Monty Python has already found the Holy Grail. The typical suburban is 6 feet 8 inches tall, and the typical parking garage in L.A. has 6 feet of clearance. This is why Angelenos drive small cars. Spend days wandering about the city, searching for a place to park. Hint, there is one.

HIKE IN THE PROPOSED TUMACACORI HIGHLANDS WILDERNESS AREA: The Tumacacori Highlands Wilderness Area is located in southern Baja Arizona along the US-Mexico border. Your wilderness adventure will include being harassed by Border Patrol agents, shot at by drug smugglers, and mistaken for illegal immigrant clients by alien smugglers who will kidnap and detain you in an unfurnished house in Tucson until you pay for your illegal entry into the US.

WALK 100 MILES ACROSS THE ARIZONA DESERT IN JULY: Thousands of people do this every year, seeking jobs in the US. Join them in an excruciating ordeal of thirst, privation, and sometimes a horrible death just to feed your family.Bring lots of water.

RIDE A TRAIN IN MEXICO: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have ridden a train in the 1930's? The very same passenger cars are running on the Mexican railroads. A favorite trip is from Nogales, Sonora to Guadalajara. What makes this trip an adventure is that often, when the train stops in Mazatlan to be reconfigured, they forget a few of the cars and leave them behind on the tracks.

FLY AMERICA WEST AIRLINES: America West flies out of Phoenix, and is cheap. But, schedules? They don't have no stinking schedules.

WATCH YOUR GOVERNMENT IN ACTION: Go to any state capital (or if you are really brave, to Washington, D.C.) and watch your legislature in action. It is more of an adventure if you find out where all the people in suits are standing around buying and selling your government. Not for young children.

GO ANYWHERE THE STATE DEPARTMENT SAYS NOT TO: If you don't mind being shot at, or kidnapped, the US State Department has a list for you.


BANDERSNATCH SUMMER CAMP ADVICE

School is out, and now the dreaded decision--where to send little Johnny and Jane for the summer so you can preserve your marriage. The Frumious Bandersnatch has researched summer camp opportunities throughout the continent, and herewith offers our guide to the pick of summer fun:

Jungle River
Wouldn't you like your child to canoe down this river?

THE GUADALUPE RIVER CAMP: A three day canoe trip down the Guadalupe River in Texas highlights this camping experience. Campers are encouraged to look for illegal dumping of chemical waste and can expect to encounter the always dangerous native Texan along the route.

JUNGLE SURVIVAL CAMP: This camp is located deep within the jungle of Chiapas, Mexico. For a mere $1,000 a week your child can learn such important skills as how to gain support from local villagers, automatic weapon maintenance, and political use of web sites for counterrevolutionary movements.

BIKE ACROSS AMERICA CAMP: Children enrolled in this camp are expected to bicycle from Washington D.C. to San Francisco in less than 3 months. Along the way, they will learn how to fund-raise for the cause of their choice, conduct interviews with local television stations, and repair flat tires. Parents must provide their child's bike.

CAMP SNIPE: The ever popular snipe hunt caps a week of outdoor camaraderie at this Maine camp.

CAMP BRONX. "We offer rural children a chance to experience city life by helping to reconstruct tenements, working in soup kitchens, and riding the subways at night." Sounds like fun.

FUGAWEE INDIAN CAMP: Campers enrolled in this traditional native American-style camp will learn useful skills taught by our Fugawee Indian staff, such as the marketing of bead work and baskets to tourists, and how to run a casino.

THE SUPERSTITION MOUNTAIN RANCH CAMP: Not only do campers get to round up cattle and do all the other nasty work of a ranch in temperatures exceeding 110 degrees, this camp also schedules weekend outings into the Supersition Mountains to look for the Lost Dutchman Goldmine. Parents are required to sign an extensive release and hold harmless agreement in the event their children join the hundreds of people who have vanished mysteriously in these mountains.

BEAR CAMP: This camp, located on Kodiak Island in Alaska, focuses on the study of the American grizzly bear. Campers must be able to run 100 yards in under 12 seconds to qualify for this camp.

INTERROCKING MUSIC CAMP: If your child is musically inclined, and you are sick and tired of hearing amplified guitar music at home, this is the place for you. Located 60 miles from the nearest human habitation in western Arizona, children can play rock music as loud as they wish until 4 in the morning. Note: all camp personnel are deaf.

CAMP CONGRESS: A popular camp in Washington, D.C., participants pretend they are members of Congress for a week. The camper obtaining the largest amount of corporate donations for the camp wins a special award.

UNITED NATIONS CAMP: New York City hosts this educational camp for children seeking careers in the foreign service. Campers are each designated as an ambassador from some obscure country, and spend the week bickering and complaining about the lack of United States financial support for the United Nations. A highlight of this camping experience is an object lesson in diplomatic immunity as campers spend a day with the New York City police handing out parking tickets to real diplomats.

MIGRATORY LABOR CAMP: This camp specializes in weight loss for weight challenged kids. Campers learn how to pick lettuce, tomatoes, green onions, and strawberries in California's central valley. Spanish language education also offered.


THE SPARROW

On the 60th anniversary of the end of WWII, take a little trip back to the past.

"The Sparrow" is a screenplay based on my father's experience in WWII.

This isn't exactly the sort of hero story about the war you usually hear.

My dad, like a lot of others at that time, didn't really want to fight, and they came back wanting to forget what happened and go on with their lives.

But even if you are a sparrow, wanting to hide from the hawks, sometimes things force you into a place you never dreamed you would be.

This is a true story The Sparrow


BACK ISSUES

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS

BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES

THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

BAJA ARIZONA

TUCSON

GREEN VALLEY

TUBAC

NOGALES

KOKOPELLI COUNTY

BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

ARE WE BEING BUTTONED TO DEATH?

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

SAVE THE BUGS

LITTLE LEAGUE LESSONS OF LIFE

INTERNATIONAL NEGOTIATIONS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

STANDARD NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

CLINTON DEFINITON OF SEX

TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND

BANDERSNATCH BAD ADVICE

PERSONAL RELATIONS

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

HOW TO WRECK YOUR ROMANCE

HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR LOVER

HOW TO BLEND YOUR CATS

HOW TO LIVE ALONE

HOW TO SOLVE A PROBLEM

HOW TO INDUCE A CASE OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION

HOW TO LIVE FOREVER

HOW TO AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE

TRUST THE POWER OF NOT NOW

BUSINESS AND FINANCE

HOW TO AVOID MAKING A DECISION

1000 WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

HOW TO WASTE TIME

HOW TO ANNOY YOUR BOSS

HOW TO AVOID WORK

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH THE INCOME

HOW TO BUY A CAR

HOW TO FIND YOUR CAR

INVEST IN THE BANDERSNATCH

HOW TO SAVE MONEY ON YOUR TAXES

POLITICS

CHICAGO RULES OF CAMPAIGN FINANCE

HOW TO STEAL AN ELECTION

ANIMALS

HOW TO TRAIN A HUMAN


BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

SUMMER CAMPS

HOW TO SPEND YOUR VACATION

CODE OF THE CITY

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO



BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

GROUNDHOG DAY

VALENTINE'S DAY

BACK TO SCHOOL

April Fool's Edition


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The Frumious Bandersnatch
Copyright 2005 by Hugh Holub
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