The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

THE OFFICIAL SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER OF BAJA ARIZONA

MAY-JUNE 2005


FREE COLLEGE DEGREES AT THE GDU

Tucson: The General Delivery University proudly announced that its free college diploma offer will continue through the summer.

"There are thousands of people who are entitled to a college degree," said General William Delivery, President of the GDU. "And they ought not to have to pay for their sheep skin."

In order to get a free GDU diploma, one must visit the GDU website and find the free diploma page. Upon finding the page, one must fill in the blanks and print their diploma on their own printer.

"We suggest people buy simulated parchment," added General Delivery.

GDU is the largest degree granting institution on the planet, with over 6 million free diplomas granted so far.

"For a while we'd print one up and mail it out for the modest fee of $6.95," said General Delivery, "but we got kind of suspicious when we started getting lots of orders from people in India."

Rumor has it a number of high ranking officials in countries with low levels of English literacy rates have used GDU diplomas to get better paying jobs.

"College degrees are seriously overrated," noted Delivery. "After a few years, does anyone ask you what you majored in or what your grades were?"

 


BIRD WAKEUP CALL

TUBAC, AZ: It is said that evolution is a critter's response to environmental stress. Some unusually evolved birds have been discovered in the vicinity of Tubac, Arizona (which is 40 miles south of Tucson).

"I woke up thinking my cell phone battery was going dead," said Joe Sam, Bandersnatch Statutory Agent. "I heard this beep....beep...beep..."

An investigation of the cell phone proved the sound, though similar to the phone signaling its battery was dying (using the last watt of power to do this), was coming from outdoors.

"We hunted around, and discovered a Mocking Bird sitting in the tree making cell phone sounds," Sam said.

A quick scientific study of the phenomena, conducted by the General Delivery University's Department of Ornithology and Optimization, resulted in the conclusion that the birds are adapting to human technology in ways unimagined.

"Birds have assumed for a long time that their singing wakes people up," said Dr. Frenbush, of the GDU. "After a while, the birds realized that no one was paying any attention to them."

Then, one day, a bird discovered that by mimicking the sound of a cell phone, they woke everyone up in the area. Other birds copied the new song.

"Pretty soon it is going to get seriously weird out there, because we have reports of birds imitating the sound of a general protection fault, and of imminent airbag deployment," Frenbush said.


THE SPARROW

On the 60th anniversary of the end of WWII in Europe, take a little trip back to the past.

"The Sparrow" is a screenplay based on my father's experience in WWII.

This isn't exactly the sort of hero story about the war you usually hear.

My dad, like a lot of others at that time, didn't really want to fight, and they came back wanting to forget what happened and go on with their lives.

But even if you are a sparrow, wanting to hide from the hawks, sometimes things force you into a place you never dreamed you would be.

This is a true story The Sparrow


BACK ISSUES

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECUTIRY BY DYING YOUNGER

THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

BAJA ARIZONA

TUCSON

GREEN VALLEY

TUBAC

NOGALES

KOKOPELLI COUNTY

BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

ARE WE BEING BUTTONED TO DEATH?

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

SAVE THE BUGS

LITTLE LEAGUE LESSONS OF LIFE

INTERNATIONAL NEGOTIATIONS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

STANDARD NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

CLINTON DEFINITON OF SEX

TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND

BANDERSNATCH BAD ADVICE

PERSONAL RELATIONS

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

HOW TO WRECK YOUR ROMANCE

HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR LOVER

HOW TO BLEND YOUR CATS

HOW TO LIVE ALONE

HOW TO SOLVE A PROBLEM

HOW TO INDUCE A CASE OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION

HOW TO LIVE FOREVER

HOW TO AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE

TRUST THE POWER OF NOT NOW

BUSINESS AND FINANCE

HOW TO AVOID MAKING A DECISION

1000 WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

HOW TO WASTE TIME

HOW TO ANNOY YOUR BOSS

HOW TO AVOID WORK

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH THE INCOME

HOW TO BUY A CAR

HOW TO FIND YOUR CAR

INVEST IN THE BANDERSNATCH

HOW TO SAVE MONEY ON YOUR TAXES

POLITICS

CHICAGO RULES OF CAMPAIGN FINANCE

HOW TO STEAL AN ELECTION

ANIMALS

HOW TO TRAIN A HUMAN


BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

SUMMER CAMPS

HOW TO SPEND YOUR VACATION

CODE OF THE CITY

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO



BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

GROUNDHOG DAY

VALENTINE'S DAY

BACK TO SCHOOL

April Fool's Edition


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The Frumious Bandersnatch
Copyright 2005 by Hugh Holub
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