"I was totally wrong about everything," Bush said as he fled from the White House, "so it's time to get outta Dodge."

Vice President Cheney was found dead in the Vice President's Office, shot with his own shotgun.

Facing mounting evidence that his Iraq war was a giant mistake and waste of money and life, Cheney apparently commited suicide, leaving Bush alone to face the consequences of leading America to the brink of ruin.

Besides leaving a terse resignation message that said "I quit", Bush also pardoned himself for any crimes he might have committed while running the country.

The whereabouts of most of Bush's cabinet was unknown, as many fled the United States upon hearing Bush had quit and Cheney was dead.

Confusion reigned in Washington as Senators and Congressmen dug out dusty copies of the US Constitution to figure out what the Constitution said about who was in charge of the country. Speaker of the House Dennis Hasbert figured out he was the next in the chain of succession, and immediately replaced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld with retired General Colin Powell. Powell immediately ordered US troops in Iraq to redeploy to Israel.

"We've got an enormous deficit, our military intervention in Iraq has failed, and our Commander in Chief has rabbitted," said one GOP leader. "I guess you could say we're fucked."

Arizona Senator John McCain noted, "I told you so."

Air Force One with the ex-President was last seen exiting US air space headed south into Mexico. The Mexican government immediately denied the plane landing rights in their country. "We have tough immigration laws," said Mexican President Vincente Fox.

SADDAM CONFESSED GUILT

BAGHDAD: In a move that caught the entire world by surprise, Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein confessed he was a mass murderer today.

In a note delivered to Arab satellite tv channel Al Jazeera, Saddam admitted he was a worthless pile of camel dung, admitted killing tens of thousands of his countrymen and women, and prayed that Allah would forgive him for his sins.

The pro-terorist Arab news channel initially thought that the confession was a fake and refused to announce Saddam's admission. The news channel, which never question's the authenticity of any anti-American claim, was finally convinced of the accuracy of Saddam's announcement when he threatened to have the managers of Al Jazeera killed if they didn't run his annoucement.

BIN LADEN SURRENDERS TO NEW YORK POLICE

NEW YORK: To the shock and amazement of US authorities, Osama bin Laden walked into the 27th Precinct of the New York City Police Department, and surrendered.

Bin Laden, who is accused of killing more than 3,000 New Yorkers in the attack on the World Trade Center, just walked in the door and turned himself in.

"We got this ratty looking guy with a beard saying he's bin Laden and wants to pay for his crimes," said Captain Joe Rizzoli, NYPD public information officer, "and we think maybe this is just a deranged street person. Like we've already  maybe 30 guys claim they were bin Laden."

After throwing the claimed bin Laden in the holding tank, NYPD officials called the FBI to check out the claim.

"The feds, they've been a royal pain in the butt, so we call them to check the guy out so they will waste their time," said Rizzoli. "And to everyone's surprise, the guy's the real thing."

Bin Laden reportedly admitted to having experienced a visitation from the spirit of the Prophet Mohammed who told bin Laden he had incorrectly interpreted to Koran and would spend eternity in a hell run by American lesbians if he did not admit he was wrong and accept the just punishment he is due.

BARRY BONDS APOLOGIZES FOR STEROID USE
QUITS BASEBALL
JOINS PETE ROSE IN ON-LINE DRUG AND GAMBLING VENTURE

Baseball sponsors celebrated news that Barry Bonds admits his steroid use and quit the game.

Meanwhile Bonds has teamed up with Pete Rose to become spokesmen for a new venture which will promote on-line gambling and drug purchases.

11 MILLION ILLEGAL ALIENS LEAVE COUNTRY
CALIFORNIA ECONOMY COLLAPSES

In a move that shocked America, 11 million illegal aliens departed for Mexico leaving california, Arizona, Texas and 12 other US states in economic chaos.

"They don't want us here, so we all decided screw them and we're headed home," said Juan Orto, one of the departing Mexicans as he crossed the border at Laredo.

Mexican officials immediately tried to seal their border with the US to stop the millions of their citizens fromn returning home.

"We stand to lose billions of dollars in funds the workers were sending home to their relatives in Mexico and our country will be in deep caca if this happens," said a spokesman for the mexican Foreign Ministry.

Farming, construction, hotels and restuarants all over the US shut down as the illegal aliens departed.

Hardest hit by the Mexican migration back to Mexico was the Social Security Administration, which had been collecting billions of dollars in Social Scurity taxes from the illegal workers and counting on them never to collect any benefits.

"We're broke," said a Social Security official, "without all this extra money we don't have to spend on benefits."

AMERICAN IDOL LOSERS NEXT CAST OF NEW SURVIVOR

HOLLYWOOD: Twenty of the losers in the recent American idol competition will be the cast of the next Survivor show it was announced today.

"The location of the Idol Survivor show will be a theater in Los Angeles," announced Donald Trump, who will host the new show.

"The people we kick out of Idol Survivor will be thrown into the lion cages at the San Diego Zoo," said Trump. "I've always wanted to say "You're Dead" instead of just "You're Fired", said Trump.

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