The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

THE OFFICIAL SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER OF BAJA ARIZONA

June, 2006


VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY

WASHINGTON: The inability of the United States to articulate a meaningful policy and strategy for its Iraq War was stunningly explained by the discovery of a secret tape of a meeting between President George  W. Bush ("W"), Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld ("Rummy") and Vice President Dick Cheney "Shooter"). A copy of the tape was smuggled to the Bandersnatch, and herewith is the transcript:

RUMMY: "W, we've got to establish a deterrence to the insurgency."

W: "A detergents?"

SHOOTER: "De tour ants."

W: "Are they like fire ants?"

RUMMY: "We've got to deal with the conflict between the Sunnis, the Shiites, and the Kurds."

W: "What kind of people are called kurds?"

RUMMY: "They're Kurdish."

W: "Sounds like some kind of food."

SHOOTER: "They're not the problem, it's the Shiites and the Sunnis."

W: "Shee ites..right? Still sounds nasty. Shytes?"

RUMMY: "The same guys as in Iran."

W: "I ran? No I didn't run today."

SHOOTER: "Iraq. And the Sunnis. They feel left out of the government so they're the main source of the insurgents."

W:" That we're going to apply some detergents to, right?"

RUMMY: "We're trying to get them to work together to take over security in Iraq."

W: "What's a Sunni. I remember a song when I was a kid. Keep your sunny side up."

SHOOTER: "They're a branch of Islam."

W: "Whose lamb?"

RUMMY: "How about we solve the problem of our low ratings about the war in Iraq by changing the  name of the war?"

SHOOTER: "Good idea. Iraq was created by the Brits. What was it called before that?"

RUMMY: "Mesopotamia."

W: "Mess of what?"

RUMMY: "Mess ooh poe tame eee ahh."

SHOOTER: (whispers to Rummy) "He won't be able to pronounce it."

RUMMY: "No one else will either."

W: "Mess oooo poooo what?"


THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR ON YOUR FIRST DATE

Things that you donít want to hear in your first date:
--I just got out of prison.
--Can we go somewhere private because my spouse is jealous and has a gun.
--Iím having a sex change operation next week.
--Iím with the FBI.
--Arenít you that nerdy kid I knew from high school?
--My mother is waiting in the car.
--Got any meth?
--Iím a reporter with Eyewitness News.
--I havenít bathed in a month.
--Iím carrying a weapon.
--Iím being followed by a secret government agency.
--Iíve had sex with 99 people this week.
--I have 9 kids.


HOW TO AVOID WORK

The practice of work avoidance is one of the highest arts of employment. Anyone can get the job done, so to speak. But not everyone can spend 8 hours a day at their work station and get absolutely nothing accomplished.

Avoiding work is one of the surest ways to retain a job. If you complete your work, they'll give you more, until they run out of things for you to do, and then they'll downsize the company and eliminate your job, because you've finished it.

Therefore, you must always avoid work.

(1) LOOK BUSY: The successful work avoider must look busy, as opposed to being busy. Looking busy involves motion. Getting up, sitting down, moving papers around your desk, opening drawers, closing drawers, opening mail, sorting mail -- all are busy-looking functions with no productivity.

(2) FIGURE OUT THE CHAIN OF COMMAND: A very valuable activity for yourself (but not your employer) is to make a chart of the chain of command in your organization. Even if your employer has a chart, this will not accurately display who has the real power, so make your own.

(3) WRITE MEMOS: Writing memos is one of the least productive things a person can do, as no one actually reads memos. Write a memo to everyone of higher rank than you (on the organizational chart you've spent 6 months making).

(4) READ MEMOS: Many people are actively avoiding work by writing memos in any organization. You can avoid spectacular amounts of work by reading all the memos on your desk, instead of initialing them and forwarding them to someone else.

(5) LEARN COMPUTER PROGRAMS: Many employers will let you take classes in computer software--even if they don't use it in their companies. In fact, most companies have no idea what software they use, so you can book up on PhotoShop, and FrontPage even though you are an accountant.

(6) RUN THE COFFEE POT: The most important job in most offices is the Keeper of the Coffee Pot. This person makes the coffee, and then constantly checks on it to make more coffee, clean out the pots, stock up the cups, refill the sugar containers, and so on. In an office of at least 10 people, this can be a full-time job. However, if you are a new employee, the Keeper of the Coffee Pot will have already been chosen. Therefore you must either get that person promoted, fired, or kidnapped.

(7) WATER THE PLANTS: Many offices have lots of house plants, but no official house plant care company. Take over caring for the plants. Again, this is a position usually occupied by a seasoned work avoider, so the position can only be taken by force.

(8) BECOME THE NETWORK MANAGER: If you are in a smart office which doesn't allow coffee pots or house plants, doubtless there will be networked computers requiring a network manager. You do not have no know anything about computers--few network managers do. Since maintaining the network in an operational condition is impossible (especially if you are truly ignorant of computers) you can spend weeks debugging systems to no useful effect.

(9) TAKE OVER OFFICE PUBLICITY: Every company has a newsletter, with important news about births and death among the employees and who has what for sale. Generally this is a job no one wants to do, which makes it perfect since it requires no skill and produces nothing of lasting value. Also, no one will criticize what you do, as they are afraid they might end up having to do it.

(10) CREATE YOUR COMPANY'S WEBSITE: Many companies do not have website, and think this is magic. Create and maintain your company's website. You will spend endless hours of fun accomplishing absolutely nothing useful for your employer, but you'll get a lot of email.

GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

BACK ISSUES

QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT

2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS

US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER

BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES

SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT

EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS

DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS

BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES

THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

BAJA ARIZONA

TUCSON

GREEN VALLEY

TUBAC

NOGALES

KOKOPELLI COUNTY

BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

SAVE THE BUGS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

STANDARD NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

CLINTON DEFINITON OF SEX

TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND


BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO



BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

GROUNDHOG DAY

VALENTINE'S DAY

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The Frumious Bandersnatch
Copyright 2006 by Hugh Holub
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