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January, 2007
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Cheaper than real bombs... NEW IRAQ PLAN--BOMB INSURGENTS WITH MONEY
WASHINGTON: In an unprecedented move, US military forces plan to bomb Iraq insurgents with cash.
"Rather than shooting at us or each other, we envision these guys scrambling around picking up $20 bills," said an
anoymous spokesman for the Pentagon.
The cash bombing idea was first proposed by the State Department's Inspector General's Office.
"Most of the money we've already spent in Iraq for infrastructure improvements and jobs has been stolen,
so just throwing another billion dollars into the country for jobs is stupid," said a spokesman for the SD's IG's office.
"We'll get more benefit on the ground if we just fly over hot spots where people are shooting at each other, and rain cash on them," the spokesman added.
The plan is to drop roughly a million dollars a day on Baghdad.
"Actually, when you look at how money we have been spending daily over there, this is cheaper," said the spokesman.
Opponents of the cash bombing plan argue that the insurgents will use the money to buy more weapons to use against Americans.
"Like they have a shortage of weapons now?" observed the spokesman. "If they succeed in kicking us out, the money will be worthess, so that creates an interesting dynamic."
Pentagon desparate for more troops...
NEW BOOMER UNITS PROPOSED FOR MILITARY
WASHINGTON: Faced with falling recruitment rates and the improbability of a
draft, a secret Pentagon study proposes upping the age for enlistment to 62. "We are having a serious backlash deploying the National Guard and
Reserve units to Iraq and Afghanistan over and over again, because this really
pisses off families," said General Beau Bradley off the record. "So we
had this idea. There are all these older guys born in 1945 and afterwards who
evaded the draft, raised their families, didn't save a dime, and want one last
shot at being real men." VA medical benefits, a little more retirement pay beyond Social Security, and
a chance to go far away from ex-wives were also factors the Pentagon study
identified as inducements for older guys to want to enlist. "We also realized a lot of these Baby Boomers are actually pretty damned
fit, and could easily pass basic training," noted Bradley. The tipping point favoring building new military capacity using old guys was
the ferocity potential of these special forces. "Unlike younger people who have a life ahead of them, the older guys
have nothing left to lose, so they're absolutely crazy bastards," said
Bradley. ":Plus they watched too many movies and tv shows and believe they
are capable of being John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. Code-named the Boomer Brigades, the proposed geriatric GIs would be given the
most dangerous assignments. "We expect they'll be a little hard to command, since they'll all be
older than their officers, and have a lot of management skills themselves,"
said General Bradley, "but they will also be perfect for situations where a
lot of innovation and creativity is required." Special Boomer units are included in the proposal. "We'd have one bunch of them aimed at disrupting the financial resources
of the enemy. Guys with Wall Street experience who can screw economies up,"
said Bradley. Other special units would include: -- engineers and construction workers who would sabotage enemy
infrastructure, -- lawyers who would supervise interrogation of terrorists and then be able
to defend whatever happens with the same skills they got their murderous clients
a free ride, --doctors who wanted to practice real medicine without a health insurance
company second-guessing every decision they made, --accountants who would fudge the books for the armed services. "We have an enormous talent pool in the Boomers that is just going to
waste right now", said Bradley. The only concern Pentagon officials have in moving their Boomer troops
forward is President Bush. "He's going to be unemployed in two years and might even join,"
said Bradley. IMMIGRATION REFORM RANT
By J. Ross Browne II Background: The author was an official of a border city and had to deal
with many aspects of this problem daily for years. Do you have what it takes to become a citizen?
(copied from MSNBC)
When immigrants want to become Americans, they must take a civics test as part
of their naturalization interview before a Citizenship and Immigration Services
officer. The questions are usually selected from a list of 100 sample questions
(see at INS TEST that prospective citizens can look at ahead of the interview
(though the examiner is not limited to those questions). Some are easy, some are
not. We have picked some of the more difficult ones.
Should you be welcomed immediately to the Land of the Free or sent home for some
more homework? Find out!
(PLEASE NOTE: These questions are as asked on the official United States
Immigration and Naturalization Services Web site. Candidates are not given
multiple choices in the naturalization interview, which is conducted orally.) It is suggested that all elected officials be required to take the INS
citizenship test, and anyone who fails gets deported. The Bandersnatch version of the citizenship test
Now, in order to qualify to be a “real” American, here is the test
immigrants ought to be given….. FOR REAL ADVERTISEMENT
When you need a
safe and secure spot to park, you should try HolidayExtras.
They offer
airport car parking services HOW TO FIND YOUR LOST CAR
People over 50 increasingly encounter the same problem....our
cars get lost.
At first, we think we are coming down with Alzheimer's.
But one day I was standing in front of a Home Depot trying to
remember where I had parked my truck, and noticed two other
people of the same age staring bewilderedly into the parking lot.
We exchanged glances. "You too?" one asked. "Yep." So we
organized...the first person to find their car would carry the
other two people around in a search of the parking lot until we
had all found our cars and trucks. It was obviously not the dreaded
disease of old age. It was the more common malady of post-50 called
CRS (Can't Remember Shit).
After several years of losing cars in shopping mall parking lots,
airport parking lots, and concert hall lots, it became obvious one
needs a strategy to deal with this problem.
An anecdotal study of members of my generation produced numerous
helpful hints to avoiding the lost car problem.
PARK IN THE SAME PLACE: One solution, insofar as possible,
is to always park in the same place at each store. In order to insure
a parking spot, this usually means parking far away from the store,
but the walking is good for you.
TIE SOMETHING COLORFUL TO THE CAR: One friend carries a red
ribbon around, and ties it to her door handle. Another puts a balloon
on her antenna. This works, as long as someone doesn't steal the ribbon
(or the car).
BUY A UNIQUE CAR: A serious problem faces those with generic
cars and trucks, such as Camrys, Accords, and Ford Explorers....there
will be 70 cars or trucks of the same make and color in the parking lot.
Purple cars are easy to find (but get you stopped by the Border Patrol frequently).
USE YOUR REMOTE: Another friend just points his remote to
the parking lot, and whichever car lights up, that's his. This doesn't
help when three cars of the same make and color open up, which happens sometimes.
Then again, you might get a better car out of the deal.
WRITE DOWN THE LOCATION: While this might seem an obvious
solution, the problem is remembering where you put your note, especially
if you've left you car at an airport and been gone for a week.
One friend writes the location on the inside of his shoe, another has
a post-it note tacked to his driver's license. FOR REAL ADVERTISEMENT
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WRECK YOUR LIFE GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST TAKE OUR SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY TEST
BACK ISSUES
ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON
GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS
BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY
US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER
BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES
SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT
EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS
PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES
LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED
SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER
SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS
THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS
NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED
TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS
INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING
FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES
CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD
THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)
BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE
FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND
MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR
TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS
NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS
BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND
BANDERSNATCH GUIDES
BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS
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