The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

The least trustworthy source of news on the World Wide Web

June, 2008 . . . Published Monthly

The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.


TRAFFIC INTERSECTIONS PROVEN TO CAUSE ACCIDENTS

A traffic study conducted by scientists at the General Delivery University has proven that road intersections cause accidents.

"We sat at a street corner for several days counting cars," said Willy B. Green, professor of street design, "and noticed an amazing synchronistic situation."

That situation was that if two cars were passing through the intersection over a period of several minutes, they almost always arrived at the same time so they could collide.

"When you consider that each vehicle is a unique event starting from somewhere different and going somewhere different, you'd think the distribution of their arrival at the intersection would be much more random," said Green. "It wasn't".

Out of 407 cars that passed through the intersection over a 12 hour period, 355 of them arrived simultaneously at the intersection.

"We observed 1 actual collision, and 14 near misses due to people running the stop sign," said Green.

"Interestingly, the stop sign seemed to enhance the probability of a crash," Green noted.

The GDU study also suggested that positioning an observer at the intersection also seemed to enhance the probability of crashes.

"We suspect there's a quantum physics thing working here where the observer actually causes the event," added Green. Further studies will be conducted on this theory.

National traffic experts have long suspected that people in cars will almost always arrive at a common point, enabling a crash to occur, even if only two cars were traveling on a road over the course of an entire day.

"There's a famous story that there were two model T's on a road, going in opposite directions, the only two cars in the entire county, and they had a head-on collision," said George Pathfinder, head of the National Auto Insurance Rate Increase Council.

People have known for decades that if there is a one lane bridge, cars going in the opposite direction will almost always arrive that the bridge at the same moment.

"If there were no intersections, there would be far fewer auto accidents," said Green.

Green also suggested that two-way streets are a serious source of collisions, and that the entire country should convert to one-way streets to reduce car


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MILLIONS TRAPPED IN HOMES ALL ACROSS AMERICA

As summer vacation season looms, news that gasoline prices are pushing $4 a gallon has resulted in millions of families canceling their vacations.

"My SUV costs $80 to fill a tank of gas, which will get me a 300 mile round trip," said Wendy Fairtree, "so I can go as far as Phoenix from Tucson and back."

Fairtree noted she'd rather stay home than go to Phoenix.

"I can't afford to drive all the way to San Diego," she added.

All across the nation, people are realizing that summer vacation means staying at home.

"There is going to be a serious increase in psychological problems because people are trapped in their homes," said Sigmund Fraud, head of the General Delivery University College of Phreneology.

"They won't be able to escape to the beach of the mountains, and gong to have to tough it out in the confines of their homes or apartments," Fraud added.


NEW OLYMPIC COMPETITIONS SET FOR BEIJING

Beijing: The International Olympic Committee, while refusing to hold China to its promises to improve human rights, has announced a number of new sports competitions that will be featured in this summer's Olympic Games in Beijing.

"In the recognition that the host country seems unwilling to remove its boot heel from the next of its people and to recognize Tibet's sovereignty, the IOC has approved a number of new competitions that will only be featured in this summer's games," said Juan Samarando, IOC spokesman.

The new Olympic competitions will include:

--Synchronized Protest March. This event will allow up to 100,000 participants to organize a protest march on the streets of Beijing. The march with the most colorful banners, and discipline amongst the marchers will win the gold medal. Sixteen countries have already announced they would field teams in this competition, including Tibet, Burma, the Philippines, Venezuela, and Poland. 

--Panicked Obstacle Running. This competition, which is slated to run concurrently with the Synchronized Protest March event, involves the ability to run away from riot police, dodge rubber bullets and jump over barricades, among other skills. Medals will be awarded for teams as well as individuals.

--Large Banner Holding. Medals will be awarded to the team with the largest protest banner that is held up the longest. "There is a serious amount of athleticism involved in holding a large banner up against the wind, surging marchers, assaults by riot police, and still manage to capture the lens of television cameras," said Samarando.

--Group Chanting. Medals will also be awarded for the best large group chanting during the Synchronized Protest March event. "The winning chant will reverberate around the world and become iconic for the 2008 event," said Samarando.

Chinese governmental officials immediate protested the inclusion of the four new competitions, claiming it was a thinly disguised scheme to allow people to protest China's miserable human rights record.

"The new Olympic events are a thinly disguised scheme of the Tibetan jackals to embarrass the glorious Chinese people," said Fang Chi Huan, head of the Chinese Ministry of Subordinating People Living in Autonomous Regions.

China is refusing to allow any of its people to participate in the new events, and is threatening to not allow entry into the country for foreigners to compete.

"It would be most unfortunate if the Chinese did not allow athletes to compete in the new events from within its own country, or from other nations already sending teams to the Game," said Samarando. "If the Chinese boycott the new events, it is likely other nations would withdraw their teams from the games in retaliation."


PEOPLE OBJECT TO THEIR NAMES BEING USED FOR HURRICANES

A coalition of people whose names will be used to name Atlantic hurricanes has filed a protest with the National Hurricane Center asking that their names be deleted from the list.

"Who wants to be known by a name like Katrina which is associated with drowning an American city," said Bertha, whose name will be attached to the second named tropical storm in the Atlantic this season.

"Calling a hurricane Omar is inviting al kinds of problems," said Gustav, whose name will also be used for a storm.

"We think hurricanes ought to be named after names from stories and legends, but who no one alive today is named," said Marco, another potential storm namesake.

The 2008 tropical storm and hurricane names for this season are: Arthur, Bertha, Cristobal, Dolly, Edouard, Fay, Gustav, Hanna, Ike, Josephine, Kyle, Laura, Marco, Nana, Omar, Paloma, Rene, Sally, Teddy, Vicky,  and Wilfred. Fourteen named storms are expected this season.


CLINTON AGREES TO RUN AS OBAMA'S VICE PRESIDENT

In a move that caught everyone, including her husband Bill , by surprise, Hillary announced today that she was willing to run on the ticket as Obama's vice president in November.

"I've spent most of my life playing second fiddle to men, so what's new," said Hillary. "And contrary to popular belief, I can count."

Rumor's are that the only condition Hillary has for taking the second chair in the campaign is that Obama would appoint Bill as ambassador to Rwanda if elected.


STOCK MARKET SOARS OVER 1,000 POINTS

New York: Upon hearing that the US was finally getting out of Iraq, stock traders went on a frenzied buying spree, pushing the Dow Jones average up 1,104 points in the heaviest trading seen in years.

"We're finally going to quit hemorrhaging money trying to civilize the Iraqis, and start investing our funds in stuff at home," said one stock trader.


OIL PRICES PLUMMET TO $60 A BARREL

Geneva: Oil prices dropped like a stone after the Saudi Arabian oil minister announced that OPEC production would be doubled in order to avoid an economic collapse caused by outrageous oil prices.

"It finally dawned on us that the higher we drove up oil prices, the less value the US dollar had, which was a self-defeating spiral that would end up with us sitting on all that oil with no one buying it."

The Saudi's denied the sudden increase in oil production had anything to do with the US announcing it was getting out of Iraq. "It did occur to us that the resulting civil war in Iraq would dry up any oil exports from that sources, which we could quickly replace and make oodles of money," said the oil minister.


BIN LADEN CONVERTS TO CHRISTIANITY, RENOUNCES TERRORISM

Somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan: Osama bin Laden, in an announcement that caught the world by surprise, announced he had converted to become a Jehovah's Witness.

"This clean cut guy showed up at my cave offering me a pamphlet called the Watch Tower, and I was hooked," said bin Laden.

How the JW found bin Laden in the first place remains a mystery, but followers of bin Laden considered it a miracle that the lair of the arch terrorist was found by anyone from America given all the efforts the US government has made in that regard.


FEDERAL RESERVE RESCUES MILLIONS OF HOMEOWNERS FACING FORECLOSURE

Washington: The Federal Reserve announced this morning that it was buying all subprime mortgages and discounting them heavily to allow millions of homeowners to avoid foreclosure.

"We will buy every portfolio of mortgages in the country, put a 3 month freeze on all foreclosures, and then offer homeowners new mortgages at 60% of their face value, amortized over 30 years, at 4% interest," said a spokesman for the Fed.


DEATH PENALTY SOUGHT FOR MORTGAGE BROKERS WHO MADE IMPRUDENT LOANS TO PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T AFFORD THE HOUSES

Washington: Senator Barry Fuller, (D) Baja Arizona, introduced new legislation today that would make it a capital offense retroactively for anyone who wrote a sub prime mortgage for a homebuyer they knew couldn't afford the loan.

"I think if we execute a few of these folks, no one is going to dare do this again," said Fuller.


LEGAL STATUS OFFERED TO MILLIONS OF MEXICANS INSIDE THE US

Washington: New legislation sponsored by 61 members of the Senate and 400 members of the US House of Representatives, was introduced today that would immediately grant residency status to approximately 12 million Mexicans living illegally in the US.

"We realized we are never going to deport them so lets face reality," said Senator Chris Kingle, also from Baja Arizona (which is located on the US-Mexico border).

To get their legal residency status, an illegal residing in the US on or before April 1st would have to pay the US government $2,000, which is approximately what has been paid by illegals to coyotes to get into the country.

The new residency status would allow the immigrants to live and work in the US for 5 years, with an automatic renewal upon payment of another $2,000.

Immigrants wanting to become US citizens could earn their way to citizenship by holding a job and paying state and federal income taxes for 10 years, and passing a test in English.

A citizenship application would also cost $2,000.

Anyone crossing the border after April 1st would not be eligible for this program, and would face immediate deportation.

"Applicants for residency will have to prove they were in the US before April 1st," said Kingle.

Border Patrol agents will be lined up along the US-Mexican border for the near future. "We don't care who is already inside the US...they're here and there's not much we can do about it," said Kingle. "But we will crack down on any further illegal entry."

Citizens of other countries who still want to come to the US could apply for a separate work visa, also costing $2,000. "We will use that money to actually hire people to process the applications so we can grant them in something under 22 years," said Kingle.


CHINA FREES TIBET

Bejing: Chinese leaders, worried that continuing conflict in Tibet would hurt the Olympic Games, announced today that all military presence was being withdrawn from Tibet and that the Dali Lama was free to return to the country.

"Even though we still think the Dali Lama is a jackal, there's really no reason why we need to continuing trying to control that vast wasteland to our west," said Lao Tsu, Chinese foreign minister. 

The Dali Lama, upon hearing the news that Tibet was being freed, howled at the moon.


BRITTNEY SPEARS BECOMES NUN

Beverly Hills: Pop star and perennial rehab resident Brittney Spears announced today she was becoming a nun and joining a convent that is committed to silence.

The world's entertainment media held a candlelight vigil in front of the convent hoping for a miracle.


US TO GO TO 100% RENEWABLE ENERGY BY 2030

Washington: In another move that caught virtually everyone by surprise, President George W. Bush announced today that he would lead the effort to make the United States 100% reliable on renewable energy by 2030.

"I think being dependent on fossil fuels is just plain dumb," said Bush. "And being dependent on those crazy bastards in the Middle East for oil is even dumber."

Sources indicate the Bush family divested themselves of all oil company interest in the weeks leading up to the renewable energy announcement.

Bush's plan to make the US 100% renewable energy involves creating federal tax credits for the use of biofuels, solar panels, wind generation, hydrid cars, fuel cell technology, and a host of other alternative energy sources provided that all components or supplies are made or grown inside the United States.

"It is real simple," said Bush, "if we have to grow or manufacture everything related to having renewable energy inside our own country, that's gonna create a whole lotta jobs."


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NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

ICE BREAKS ON SANTA CRUZ RIVER

The ice broke on the Santa Cruz River May 19th, a few days earlier than normal.

Now, anyone familiar with where Baja Arizona is located, knows that our ice break is not the same event as somewhere in Alaska. The ice breaks in Baja Arizona when we record our first 100 degree day.

Notwithstanding there is usually no water in the Santa Cruz River (at least in the vicinity of Tucson), the ice break day is our official first day of summer.

And with the advent of summer in Baja Arizona three thoughts dominate:

(1) Getting our evaporative coolers operational;

(2) Planning the obligatory trip to San Diego to escape the heat; and

(3) Preparing for our Summer Monsoon.

Follow the links if you need more information on getting your evaporative cooler working, or going to San Diego.

Regard our summer monsoon, more will be provided in a future issue as the advent of our monsoon is more immediately on the horizon (right around the first week of July).

And now we face a seemingly endless series of days with the temperature at or above 100 degrees, which won't end until late September or Early October....a long time from now it seems.

Fortunately, the snow birds have left our area, leaving parking spaces closer to stores so we don't have to walk as far in the heat, our streets are not clogged, and government pretty much shuts down for the summer so we don't have much to sorry about on that front. We're starting our summer siesta.

TUCSON STOPS GROWING

A new population study released today indicated that Tucson and Pima County have stopped growing.

"Births and deaths were equal," said William Broth, head of the Pima County Demographic Studies Institute, "and out migration equaled in migration."

The out and in migration business was about people leaving the region equaled the number of people moving in.

"The fact that the total population remained essentially the same is the first time since the 1880's that has happened," said Broth.

The only other time Tucson and Pima County stopped growing was when the city was besieged by Apache attacks in the 1860's.

Tucson's metro area population is roughly one million.

Homebuilders were shocked to learn that growth had ceased. "There's no market for building new homes if there's no additional people moving into the area," said Sandy Shores, spokeswoman for the Tucson Growth Machine.

Newcomers can find a reasonable supply of relatively new houses by purchasing them from the folks leaving the city.

Fears were widespread that Tucson could actually experience a population decline in the coming few years.

"If people wake up to all the problems and liabilities we have in the area, they'll quit coming," said Shores. "And the reason people leave the area is they figure out this isn't the paradise they thought it was."

If population starts declining, home prices are likely to follow, said Broth. "We've already had about a 20% decline in home prices since the Bush Recession started, and if there remains a glut of vacant houses on the market, prices will fall even further."

Falling home prices could actually speed up the exodus of people from Tucson.

"People panic and feel like they have to get out before prices drop below their mortgage levels," said Shores.

Tucson is in fact surrounded by ghost towns originating from the days when the mining industry went bust and people abandoned entire communities.

"We could end up being one of the biggest ghost towns in the West," said Broth, as he packed up a trailer and headed for Las Vegas.


NOGALES GOVERNMENT RESIGNS

In a move that shocked virtually no one in Santa Cruz County, the entire city council of Nogales resigned today.

Three of the council members were facing a recall election in September. Two of the other three were facing term limits ending by December. The mayor had died last December and his vacant seat had not been filled.

"For $25 a month it wasn't worth taking all this caca," said one resigning council member.

No one had a clue as to how to replace the entire city council, since there was no one to vote to appoint a replacement. Thus, the city effectively has no elected government.

Citizens of the small border town rejoiced at the complete absence of a mayor and council. "Since the elected people never did anything except help out their compadres, and didn't even know what the difference was between policy and administration, nothing will really change day-to-day," said one local resident.

City employees were overjoyed at the absence of elected officials running the government. "Now there's no one who can threaten to take away our jobs if we don't bend the rules for one of their cronies," said one city employee.

The local newspaper worried that it would be hard to sell newspapers without a regular supply of stories about the stupid fighting that had dominated city hall news for the last year.

A special election will be held to fill the vacant seats, but many are suspecting no candidates will seek the offices.


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BACK ISSUES

US TO BUY CUBA

BENEFITS OF RECESSION TOUTED

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING

2007 Christmas Issue

SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY

SELLING ICE TO ESKIMOES

CHINESE TOY CONSPIRACY

SEND ILLEGAL ALIENS TO IRAQ

BAJA ARIZONA NEWS

ATTORNEY GENERAL DEPORTED

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS

BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED

ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON

GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS

FALL TV SHOWS FOUND FLAKEY

BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY

QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT

2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS

US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER

BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES

SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT

EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS

DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS

BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES

THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

BAJA ARIZONA

TUCSON

GREEN VALLEY

TUBAC

NOGALES

KOKOPELLI COUNTY

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TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

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BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

SAVE THE BUGS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

STANDARD NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

CLINTON DEFINITON OF SEX

TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND


BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO



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