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August, 2008 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.
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FORECLOSURE NOTICE FILED ON WHITE HOUSE The Chin Yong Bank, headquartered in China, filed a notice of foreclosure on the White House it was learned today. "The United States is bankrupt, and we feel our bonds are about to be worthless," said Wang Li, president of the Chin Yong bank. The Chin Yong Bank holds $37 billion in US Treasury notes. US officials were stunned by the foreclosure notice, and immediately sought to stop the process in federal court. "No creditor of the United States can seize federal property to secure payment of our debt," said Bill Gazzle with the Justice Department. Gazzle's statement precipitated an immediate sell off of US securities world wide, as countries holding our debt realized they had nothing to back their securities except the good faith of the US government. Meanwhile, the Chin Yong Bank offered to substitute 1 million acres of National Forest for the White House as its security for the money the US owes that bank. In related news, the US Navy cancelled a visit by the aircraft carrier Nimitz to Hong Kong. "The last thing we want is for China to grab one of our carriers as security for our debt," said Rear Admiral John Paul Smith. REDUCTION OF GRAVITY SEEN AS ENERGY SOLUTION Reducing the effects of gravity could be a solution to our fossil fuel crisis and global warming, announced Senator Fred Freebush, (R-Baja Arizona). "We use a lot of energy overcoming the force of gravity," said Freebush. "For example, it takes a lot of gas to push a 6,000 pound SUV along the road at 75 miles per hour." Freebush's initiative would fund studies into anti-gravity fields that could be created around objects, reducing their weight. One billion dollars would be earmarked for use by scientists at the General Delivery University (which is located in Baja Arizona) to develop an anti-gravity device. "Imagine if the same SUV only weighed 400 pounds. The engine could blow it down the road at 75 mph in idle," Freebush said. "People could still have their giant trucks and not feel guilty." Anti-gravity has many practical uses, Freebush noted. "Attaching antigravity devices to trains would reduce their fuel usage, and planes could fly 10 times as far on the same amount of fuel." Freebush also suggested that attaching anti-gravity devices to bridges would reduce the risk of their collapsing. "We could even have personal anti-gravity devices that would reduce our effective weight, so we could eat all we wanted," Freebush added. Though development of anti-gravity is seen as a very long shot for reducing fuel consumption, Freebush noted this approach has the same amount of potential of solving our energy crisis in the next 20 years as opening up the continental shelf for offshore drilling. SENATOR INDICTED FOR FAILING TO FILE GIFT REPORTS In a move that caught Washington by surprise, federal prosecutors got an indictment against Senator Stevens (R-Alaska) recently. The indictment alleged Stevens failed to report gifts he received from a company doing business in Alaska. "Senators are rushing to meet with their lawyers all over Washington," said Gerald Pontiac, veteran political analyst, "because there's probably none of them that haven't violated the law about gifts." Major sources of gifts to politicians were actually pleased to see Stevens' indictment. "Maybe if they risk going to jail, they won't have their hands in our pockets as much as they do now," said an anonymous spokesperson for a major oil company. "If we could eliminate graft and bribes, we could probably reduce the price of oil by at least $30 a barrel." PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN REPORT: The theme of the 2008 presidential campaign appears to be: "you should be more afraid of the other guy than me." What more is there to say? |
OFFSHORE DRILLING PROPOSED IN REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICTS
Democrats today proposed to open up portions of the US coastal waters to oil exploration, but only in areas represented by Republicans. "We agree that there should be more domestic production of oil," said Penny Waith (D-California) who represents the Santa Monica area. "But we also believe that those who advocate drilling should live with the consequences." The Dem proposal would open up the entire Florida, Georgia, and North and South Carolina coasts to drilling, as well as the area north of Alaska. The drilling would be allowed starting February 1, 2010. Opposition to the Dem proposal immediately emerged from Republicans whose districts include coastal areas that would be opened to drilling. "I won't be able to get re-elected," said Pete Bog, (R-South Carolina). "That's exactly the point," said Waith. It is also rumored that Dems are considered allowing new nuclear power plants in states where both their US Senators are Republican. WATER FOUND ON MARS Within days of the announcement that water has been discovered on Mars, the US Bureau of Reclamation in tandem with the California Department of Water Resources, revealed plans to import water from Mars to that parched western state. "A while new planet without any endangered species or existing water rights holders is an unprecedented opportunity to solve the growing water shortage in our state," said Chester Hail, director of Cal DWR. "We can mine the polar ice cap of Mars, load the ice up, and ship it back to Earth," said Ben Hoover, Director of the Lower Colorado River Office of BuRec. POLITICIANS SPEECHLESS Archrdruid Taliesin has proposed that August 31st be a day when everyone in America only says positive things. "I call it a National Day of Positive Talk," said the Archdruid. The purpose of the National Day of Positive Talk is to combine as much positive energy as possible to ward off all the negativity and evil that surrounds the country. "People are really down," said the Archdruid, "and there is this massive negative energy field across the whole country that is just sucking everyone's life force away." The Archdruid's call for focused positivity is just one of many efforts to change the energy fields of Americans to improve people's health, and change the dynamics of the culture from one of wasteful consumption to living in harmony with nature. Reaction to the call for a National Day of Positive Talk was immediately met with opposition and hostility. Republican and Democratic political candidates were especially miffed at being asked to go 24 hours without saying anything negative. "How can we campaign if we can't say nasty things about our opponents?" asked GOP candidate Jim Beam, running for the 8th District Congressional Seat in Baja Arizona. Broadcast and cable television network news officials also objected to a day without negativity. "We'll just have to go dark because all the news is really negative," said a spokesman for Fox News Network. Newspaper editors were similarly opposed to going 24 hours without negativity. "No one will buy our papers if we don't have stories about rape and murder and war and natural disasters," said the editor of the Arizona Daily Moon. "Gosh, I guess I'll have to think more about my next proposal which is a day without negative thoughts," said the Archdruid. Discussions continued well after midnight as politicians and the media negotiated to reduce the length of the positive talk effort to one hour. ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE AND HOLISTIC HEALING SEEN AS SOLUTION FOR NATION'S HEALTH INSURANCE CRISIS In a move the caught many by surprise, Republican Presidential candidate John McCan't suggested that the nation's crisis over health insurance could be solved by using alternative medicine and holistic healing techniques. "Rather than try and get everyone insured by health insurance companies, which would cost a mint, what we need is to cultivate a lot more healthy people who just won't need conventional health care," McCan't suggested. Joe Sam, who recently lost his full time job and his health insurance, noted McCan't might have a good idea. "I am over 60 and then only health insurance I could afford had a $5,000 deductible," Sam said. "No way could I afford $5,000 worth of medical bills in a year, so I've just got to be really healthy." Sam had begun exploring alternative healing concepts, such as those espoused by Carline Myss (www.myss.com), and recognized that a healthy mind could lead to a healthy body. "But the concept isn't all that easy to put into practice given all the distractions out there," Sam added. WORKING AT HOME PROVEN TO INCREASE HEALTH RISKS New studies recently completed by scientists affiliated with the General Delivery University have inconclusively linked working at home with increased health problems. "There's a lot of negative energy associated with working," said Al Chemica, head of the GDU College of Sorcery. "And bringing that negative energy into one's home is sort of like polluting it with toxic chemicals." Al Chemica has discovered that people working from home have higher incidences of heart disease, stroke, cancer, and many other stress related maladies. "People just don't realize that they are nothing more than an energy field themselves, and the amount of negative energy they surround themselves with adversely impacts on their health," Al Chemica added. The GDU scientists suggested that if one has to work at their residence, they set up a special room to dampen the negative energy associated with working. "One could line the room's walls, floor and ceiling with copper sheets to keep the negative energy from spreading through the home," he said. "A better approach would be to diffuse the negative energy by lighting many candles, placing spirit objects on computers and monitors, and grounding ones' self," he added. An even more effective solution is to not work at home at all. "Working at home might sound like a good idea at the beginning, but the demands of family, pets, and neighbors intrude on concentration, and it is very easy to end up having to do you work at 3 in the morning," Al Chemica explained. "It is much healthier to work outside your home, and have a way to leave the negative energy field of the work space and go to one's living space where one can recover," he said. "A problem there is many people bring the tension and stress of work home in their minds, and inject the contamination into their homes regardless," he added. The best solution, the scientist added, was to file for disability and quit working entirely. |
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$15.95 at LuLu.com INDIAN EFFORT TO SAVE PLANET FAILS Members of the Meshuggenah Indian tribe announced that they were ceasing
their efforts to save Mother Earth. "For 4,000 years we have tried to offset the negative forces of human
greed and power, but we're just outgunned," said Samuel KoHen, chief of the
Meshuggenah. The tribe has lived in a remote section of the mountains of southeastern Baja
Arizona, praying daily to protect all life on the planet. "The US government just leased our homeland for a copper mining
operation, and we've been given eviction notices," KoHen said. The consequences of the loss of the Meshuggenah effort to maintain peace and
harmony of all life on Earth were not immediately evident as forest fires, earth
quakes, wars, polar ice cap melting, and cable television commentators
obfuscated any ability to measure any decline in planetary health. Members of the tribe are reportedly relocating to Las Vegas to live it up
while they can before the world as we know it ends. |
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BACK ISSUES
CALENDAR MAKERS PROTEST END OF TIME
NEW BEIJING OLYMPIC COMPETITIONS PROPOSED
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING
SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY
GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS
BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED
ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON
GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS
BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY
US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER
BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES
SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT
EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS
PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES
LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED
SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER
SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - 2005 APRIL FOOLS
THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
BANDERSNATCH GUIDES
BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS
SITE LISTINGS
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