The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

THE OFFICIAL SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER OF BAJA ARIZONA

January, 2008


WISDOM FOR 2008

Looking ahead, we thought the best advice really comes from the Zen Master of baseball...Yogi Berra.

  • "This is like deja vu all over again."
  • "You can observe a lot just by watching."
  • "Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"
  • "You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."
  • "If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."
  • "If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."
  • "It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."
  • "A nickel isn't worth a dime today."
  • "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."
  • "If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
  • "You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

And not attributed to Yogi...but of the same vein..."If you wait long enough everything will happen."


REAL ADVERTISEMENTS - HELP KEEP US ALIVE ON THE WEB




AGENT WANTED

I am looking for an agent to represent me and sell the stuff from this web site so I can make some money.

The following properties are available:

BOOKS

The General Delivery University Catalog the world's largest on-line diploma mill.

Get In Touch With Your Inner Rodent ...a parody on self-help books.

SCREENPLAYS

January 20th A terrorist"what if" story.

The Sparrow WWII story about the Air Transport Command

TREATMENTS

SLIDEBACK What if the mob had a war with a big corporation?

THE DEAD PEOPLE How do you think you'll survive on Social Security?

Contact me at Hugh Holub


ADVERTISEMENTS

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PUNDITRY

Regular readers of the Bandersnatch (if there are any) may have noticed that we haven't paid much attention to the Presidential primaries and candidates so far. There's a reason for this. We haven't figured out what the difference is between them all beyond gender, color and religious fervor. Not a lot to work with if you are a satirical newspaper.

We finally felt obliged to write something about the candidates, if for no other reason that we felt obliged. Probably some shadow things going back to our childhood when we avoided doing something for so long, our own inner guilt trip voice finally propelled us to act.

DEMOCRATS:

HILLARY CLINTON: There's probably six Republicans in the whole country that would vote for her. Thus if there's a spoiler third party candidate, the Republican wins and we're all toast. Her best shot is if Bill would shut up. No chance.

BARAK OBAMA: It would actually be really cooler and send a bigger message about what America is all about if we could nominate Obama for President. But he sounds like every other politician we've ever heard. Obama needs to watch the movie Bulworth.

JOHN EDWARDS: After hearing about his $400 haircut, and hearing his cracker voice, like are we going to make the same stupid mistake a third time? We don't care what he really stands for...its time we elected someone who sounds like the rest of ust.

BILL RICHARDSON: He's actually got a real platform, but not enough people in the country know that New Mexico is in fact part of the United States, so he's coming across like an illegal alien running for a US job. He's probably a gonner after Iowa.

There are several other Dems running and we don't know much about them since we live down in Baja Arizona and don't get much news about these folks our way. Anyway, they're probably out of the running anyway.

REPUBLICANS:

RUDY GUILIANI: Now wouldn't a Presidential race between Rudy and Hillary be a gas? No way Rudy would ever be nominated by the GOP because he's too human and too much out of synch with the religious right wing Talibanistas in control of the GOP these days.

JOHN McCAIN: John tells us the truth no matter how distasteful it is. Thus, while he would probably be the best Presidential candidate the GOP offered since....Lincoln...he's got no chance either. McCain needs to quit trying to pander to the religious zealots in his own party, and just be himself...which everyone in Arizona loved. Even Democrats voted for McCain there.

MITT ROMNEY: Too many of us believe he'd move the White House to Salt Lake City if he got elected. He is the Stepford candidate. Or a large size Ken.

HUCKABEE: If Huckabee gets nominated, there's a good chance when Jesus Christ returns, it will be to Salt Lake City.

FRED THOMPSON: We like old Fred. But he needs to play the role of his character from tv to win, and quit pretending to be a politician...his political script writer sucks.


2008 ECONOMIC FORECAST

As 2008 begins, pessimism abounds in economic forecasting circles.

The Voodoo Economics Department of the General Delivery University has issued its unusually optimistic forecast for the US economy in 2008.

"It is not to say the economy is going to Hell in a handbasket," said Robert Vescow, head of the Voodoo Econ Dept, "because it is."

"Between the huge drain of the war in Iraq, the mortgage and credit meltdown, and millions of people getting  pink slips now that the Christmas holidays are over," Vescow explained, "things are really going to get grim."

"But any idiot can see that coming," he added.

"The real deal here is whenever there are losers, there are also winners," he added.

"Plus those that are smart enough to escape federal indictment," Vescow said.

Vescow concentrated on trying to make lemonade out of the lemon we're all sucking on.

HOUSING: For those who have any money, there are going to be really good deals in buying foreclosed houses in 2008. The best time to buy will be after September, 2008 when  the new home building industry has completely collapsed, and the price falls another 30 to 40 percent in home values from December 2007 levels. "Banks manage to write stuff off, which I've never understood how they can do that," Vescow explained, "but presto chango after the non-performing assets are written off, they can sold and the books wash out and all the stupid people who made the stupid decisions have been fired. It's the American way."

TRADITIONAL MEDIA: Newspapers, which have been going in the toilet for years, will finally hit a plateau. "The thing that will ultimately save a portion of the newspaper industry are people who have caged birds in their homes," Vescow said. "There's absolutely nothing that can replace a newspaper for lining the bottom of a bird cage, so bird keepers will have to maintain a supply of papers." Vescow also noted that as long as newspapers are printed with soy-based ink, demand will actually increase from organic farmers needing a good source of mulch. "Print media are probably wise to keep laying off reporters because no one really reads newspapers that much any more."

LITIGATION: The legal industry will thrive on the economic carnage, pretty much the same way vultures and hyenas thrive off death on the African plains. "People will be even more inclined to sue other people, and especially their former employers and big corporations, the worse things get," Vescow said. Vescow has proposed that big national law firms ought to start selling stock in their firms to raise capital to maintain their litigiousness. "Beats the heck out of renting clients. And think about the potential return...a third of a third to the investor shareholders."

CHEAP HD TELEVISIONS: Sometime in the near future folks are going to figure out their existing television sets are about to be obsolete, and will be forced to buy new High Definition tv sets. "The problem is, no one can figure out plasma versus whatever, and all the HD sets are way too expensive. The company that can put a $99 HD tv into Wal Mart is going to be the hottest investment of the year." 

TINY LITTLE CARS: Those living near the US-Mexico border are accustomed to seeing tiny little cars on US roads that were made in Mexico. They beat the heck out of US cars in gas mileage, but cannot be imported because they don't have pollution control systems, and are probably death traps in an accident with an SUV. "It will dawn on someone that a car, even without pollution control devices, that gets 40 miles per gallons produces a lot less crud that a car getting 20 miles per gallons, and people are going to want the little buggers," Vescow explained. "US automakers are still years away from producing large numbers of cheap tiny cars, but they're already doing this in Mexico. Maybe we ought to legalize Mexican workers and Mexican made cars at the same time." The collision issue will resolve itself because with $4 to $5 gasoline coming, no one will be able to afford to drive their hulking gas guzzling SUVs any more.


HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

With the cost of living increasing daily, and wages falling behind steadily, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you now make.

How does one cut their income by 90% and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function.

Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff.

For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait two years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price two years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new.

A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1985 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today.

A first run movie costs $7.50, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn.

New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed?

The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get.

Instead of living in the year 2008, try living in 1998. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years.

The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable.

Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay.

The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff.

Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1998 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office.

As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even.

The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends.

Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. But you can try our Home Surgery program and save thousands of dollars.

Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts.


POLITICS

Chicago Rules of Political Fund-Raising

I obtained the following memorandum from the Chicago political machine:

FUND-RAISING GUIDELINES

1. All political contributions must be in cash, in small denomination bills, so that the sources cannot be traced or remembered. A campaign financed by a large number of small contributions looks more grass-roots and democratic, anyway.

2. Take contributions from all sides of an issue, therefore no one can say they bought the candidate because too many conflicting interests will have the same claim. Contributions are supposed to buy access, therefore an effective fund-raising strategy is to " maximize access".

3. Never try and raise money while inside a government building or on a government job. This makes it look like the candidate is using taxpayer money to raise funds. Appearances are more importance than substances. The target knows you are the government and what that means. There is plenty of time after 5 pm to hustle for dough, and the parking lot is as good a place as any to solicit.

4. Never have the political candidate directly handle any money. The candidate can ask for money, but it has to be given to someone else to carry and spend. Remember, candidates never touch money. It looks tacky. And the candidate might spend the money.

5. Buy lots of television time and newspaper ad space with the money, because these are expenditures the media will never question. The more people who benefit from campaign expenditures, the fewer there are to question them.

6. Rewards are always made before the donation, therefore no one can claim they got the reward for the donation. Let them spend the night in the Governor's Mansion or the White House before they write the check. Of course, some people will rip the candidate off, but if the candidate wins, there is plenty of time to get even, or collect a belated donation.

7. Make sure anyone appointed to public office looks at least remotely qualified for the job so the candidate can deny the $100,000 they donated to the campaign had anything to do with them getting the job. If this is the last time the candidate is running for the position, make sure at least 3 different contributors think they're in line for the appointment, as this increases campaign cash-flow and the candidate's credibility when he or she claims they did not promise to job to any one person. (Then appoint a relative).

8. It is illegal to take money from foreign governments. Make sure the money comes from an account in the name of a US citizen.

9. There are only two kinds of people--friends and enemies. Friends give money. Enemies give subpoenas.

10. The only way to avoid illegal political contributions is to eliminate political contributions. Unfortunately, elimination of political contributions would make politics very unprofitable.

Chicago Rules For Stealing Elections

Vote early and vote often

Our election get-out-the-vote effort was pioneered by Mayor Richard Daley in 1960 when he stole the election from Richard Nixon.

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn't remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote...especially the Alzheimer's cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they'll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it, especially kids at Catholic universities.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they'll vote a "Questioned Ballot". Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O'Hare: Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of out-of-state cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won't know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10. Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don't win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can't win a recount, then you are not a Chicago Democrat.


BACK ISSUES

2007 Christmas Issue

SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY

SELLING ICE TO ESKIMOES

CHINESE TOY CONSPIRACY

SEND ILLEGAL ALIENS TO IRAQ

BAJA ARIZONA NEWS

ATTORNEY GENERAL DEPORTED

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS

BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED

ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON

GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS

FALL TV SHOWS FOUND FLAKEY

BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY

QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT

2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS

US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER

BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES

SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT

EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS

DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS

BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES

THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

BAJA ARIZONA

TUCSON

GREEN VALLEY

TUBAC

NOGALES

KOKOPELLI COUNTY

read about bordertown

SELF HELP ADVICE

WRECK YOUR LIFE GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

TAKE OUR SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

SAVE THE BUGS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

STANDARD NEWSPAPER HEADLINES

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

CLINTON DEFINITON OF SEX

TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND


BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO



BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

CHRISTMAS

GROUNDHOG DAY

VALENTINE'S DAY

BACK TO SCHOOL

April Fool's Edition


BANDERSNATCH CONSPIRACIES

BAGEL CONSPIRACY

CHRISTMAS TREE CONSPIRACY

SITE LISTINGS

SITE LISTING INFO



The Frumious Bandersnatch
Copyright 2008 by Hugh Holub
THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH is a US federally registered trademark so be very careful

EMAIL US AT EDITOR with your comments & criticisms.