The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

The least trustworthy source of news on the World Wide Web

July, 2008 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.


CALENDAR INDUSTRY SEEKS TO DEBUNK MAYAN PREDICTION THAT TIME WILL END ON DECEMBER 12, 2012

According to the Mayan "Long Count" calendar, the end of human history is predicted to occur on December 12, 2012. Or at least the end of Mayan history.

Not surprisingly the calendar industry has launched a campaign to assure people the Mayans are wrong, and that time will not end in 2012 (or 2021 as some claim the Mayan prediction really portends).

During the Long Count of the Mayan calendar, time started around 3100 BC, and covers a period of 9 hells and 13 heavens. We are, according to experts in such things, at the tail end of the 9th of the hells. What is uncertain at this time, since Mayan civilization collapsed a thousand years ago, is whether the 9 hell period comes before or after the 13 heaven epoch.

Optimists suggest we are going through the last of the 9 hell period, which is why we are facing global warming, wars, and such, and that we will start into the first of the 13th of the heaven time on December 13th 2012.

What the heaven period means is subject to much debate, though generally many forecast fewer people and more spirituality. Conventional religions seem not to play much role, not surprisingly since many connect existing religions with the 9 hell time.

Others claim the Mayans predicted the end of civilization as we know it, and that time will just end. There will be a major cataclysm and humans will vanish. With no humans, there would be no one keeping time, hence no need for calendars.

Facing not only then end of humanity, owners of calendar companies recognized that affirmative action was required.

"We cannot let the world as we know it end, because we'll be out of jobs," said Jim Clockwork, spokesman for the calendar industry. "As one part of the effort to debunk the Mayan prediction, the calendar industry has sent anthropologists to the jungles of southern Mexico to locate Mayan shamans who might be able to reinterpret the end of history forecast.

"Interestingly, there are a lot of Mayans living in the jungle," said Clockwork. "So far we have learned that the Mayan antidote for history ending seems to be avoiding living in urban environments, which is not actually very helpful for our industry."


GREMLINS SEEK DISABILITY STATUS

TUCSON: A group of office workers who claim that their proximity to electronic devices causes them to malfunction have filed a claim to be declared disabled under the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA).

"We can't work on computers because we disrupt their function by touching them," said Gene Poole, head of the group known as the Computer Gremlins.

" Most of the unexplained glitches in electronic systems are claimed to be caused by gremlins, who are assumed to be invisible spirits," said Cliff Outagge, computer expert at the General Delivery University. "However, it is real that there are some people who have electro-magnetic fields that screw up computers and other electronic devices. Heck, they even sell wrist grounding straps at electronic stores."

Real people who can disrupt electronic devices are more common than we know, according to Outagge. "It is a serious disability because companies figure out who their gremlin people are and get rid of them, or demote them to jobs where they can't get near electronics."

"I think we have a real disability because there's nothing we can do about our electronically disruptive nature," said Poole. "We've tried wrist band grounds, floor grounds, speaking softly to our computers, and we still just crash the things. It wasn't a problem in the old days, but now just about every indoor job requires using computers."

Gremlins can't use cell phones, and even have problems with airport security systems.

"Imagine what it is like to not even be able to watch much television because we're blowing out cable converter boxes," said Penny Watt, another Gremlin.

"Sure, a lot of computer glitches are caused by Microsoft's crummy software and deliberate virus attacks, but there are definitely people whose karma or static electric fields just fry computer systems," said Robert Ohm of the National Institute of Unexplained Phenomena.

Government officials were initially highly suspicious of the petition to declare electronic gremlinism as a bona fide disability.

"It sounds like a scam to me," said Phillip Post, an attorney for the Social Security Administration. "Next thing you know, we'll be getting people claiming disability because of fluorescent lighting."

There are rumors that the US Department of Defense secretly searches out live gremlins and send them to enemy installations to wreck their electronics.

"I can shut down microwave transmitters just by getting near them" said an anonymous gremlin. "I am for hire at the right price, but I won't go to Iraq."

Others suggest that the Gremlins are actually a new phase of human evolution.

"The rapid increase in electromagnetic fields seems to be causing some people to become more attuned to such things, which enhances their spiritual connections," said Ohm of the Unexplained Phenomena institute.

"While on the down side they disrupt electronic devices, and are being viewed as outcasts, they may actually be the vanguard of a new age of human evolution," Ohm added.

"Some of the Gremlins have shown the ability to positively impact the electromagnetic sphere, notably in tweaking the new electronic slot machines to generate cash," Ohm said.


McCAIN AND OBAMA FIREWORKS OVER PATRIOTISM

The 4th of July 2008 had a special fireworks show when John McCain and Barak Obama each claimed to be as patriotic as the other. Meanwhile, minions of each candidate sought to undermine the patriotism of the other candidate.

Which raised the basic question: how does one really express patriotism?

We all know we;re supposed to stand during the singing of the Star Spangled Banner, and we're supposed to put our right hand over our heart when we say the Pledge of Allegiance.

But are we required to put our hand over our heart during the singing of the Star Spangled Banner?

Can we sit during the Pledge of Allegiance as long as we still have our hand over our heart?

Thank God neither candidate wears a hat.


OIL PRICE RISE FUELS HUNT FOR SCAPEGOATS AND STUPID SOLUTIONS

The Blame Game trying to find the culprits behind the doubling of oil prices went into high gear in June.

Focus has been on speculators in the commodity markets who buy and sell oil futures without ever taking actual delivery of a barrel of oil for use.

"We really don't know who is buying how much oil in the market," said Carlos Ponzi, Senior Analyst with the Wall Street firm Bull Puckey, "but someone is sure making a heck of a lot of money."

"All the usual suspects seem to have legitimate excuses why they aren't causing oil to have doubled in less than a year," said Rakim Al Assam, head of the Arab Oil Cartel. "So the cause must be Satan."

The oil price surge has sparked numerous proposed solutions, few of which have any merit.

One category is to attempt to regulate the commodities market.

"This is sort of the same problem we just had with the mortgage industry," said Ponzi. "The Bush Administration created a climate of deregulation and the crooks took advantage."

Ponzi predicts regulating the market will have no beneficial effect since all the damage will have been done, and trillions of ill-gotten dollars will have been squirreled away.

Another category of consequence of the oil price spike are the solutions to the energy crisis being trotted out by the usual suspects.

"Every time we have either a shortage of oil, or oil prices reach a point of pain, the proponents of nuclear power and drilling for oil in environmentally sensitive places come out from under their rocks," said Ponzi.

While some attention is being focused on renewable energy, such as solar, Congress seems unable to renew renewable energy tax and other incentives, mostly due to opposition from the Bush Administration and Republicans.

"Bush, Cheney, and the Republican dinosaurs see the oil price crisis as their last and best chance to get drilling rigs off the coast of California and in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge," said Ponzi, "so they will do anything to prevent tax credits for going to solar and other renewable energy projects."

While the average citizen is growing angry over the oil price hike and the economy is showing serious signs of strain, no general outrage seems to be emerging about the problem or the lack of a push to renewable energy development.

"The only immediate change we're seeing is the sharp decline in SUV and truck sales, and and increase in the abuse of gas station workers," said Ponzi.

Meanwhile, terrorists funded by Iran and Saudi Arabia (who are benefiting enormously from the high oil prices) are stocking up on weapons to use against America.

"It is really amazing that Americans are barely cognizant of the fact that the high price they pay for foreign oil directly works to their eventual destruction," noted Ponzi. "In retrospect, the failure of America to shift to renewable energy will be one of the most spectacular mistakes in human history. How the average person in the country could be bamboozled by politicians and oil companies to betting their very existence on buying oil from enemy states and wrecking the environment in the process is actually pretty astounding."


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How To Make An American

First you get a very large pot, and mix in some Brits, some French, a bunch of Irish, then add a few million Africans, stir up some Indians, then simmer.

The mixture will produce Yankees, Southernors, and about 20 various states.

Then bring to a boil, repeating the following:

"All men and women are created equal regardless of their race, creed or color."

"Everyone has an equal right to succeed or fail, based solely on their efforts, and not because of what class or color they are."

"Government exists to serve the people, and not vice versa."

"One has the right to express one's views, even if no one agrees with them."

"Government and religion must be kept separate from each other."

"If one works hard, they can improve their lot in life, and that of their children."

"A free economy is the best means to prosperity."

"Justice and fairness are the same thing."

After the mixture cools down, add Poles, Czechs, Hungarians, Germans, Swedes, Norweigans, Turks, Lebanese, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, and about 100 other varieties and spices from around the world, and mix thoroughly, keeping as much of the original flavour of each of the ingrediants as possible. (Note, some of the ingrediants will add themselves.)

The end result will be a very interesting experiment that constantly changes its texture, yet is unquestionably "American" no matter where it is found, no matter what color it is, and no matter what language is spoken.


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Copyright 2008 by Hugh Holub
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