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TRAFFIC INTERSECTIONS PROVEN TO CAUSE ACCIDENTS
A traffic study conducted by scientists at the General Delivery University
has proven that road intersections cause accidents.
"We sat at a street corner for several days counting cars," said
Willy B. Green, professor of street design, "and noticed an amazing
synchronistic situation."
That situation was that if two cars were passing through the intersection
over a period of several minutes, they almost always arrived at the same time so
they could collide.
"When you consider that each vehicle is a unique event starting from
somewhere different and going somewhere different, you'd think the distribution
of their arrival at the intersection would be much more random," said
Green. "It wasn't".
Out of 407 cars that passed through the intersection over a 12 hour period,
355 of them arrived simultaneously at the intersection.
"We observed 1 actual collision, and 14 near misses due to people
running the stop sign," said Green.
"Interestingly, the stop sign seemed to enhance the probability of a
crash," Green noted.
The GDU study also suggested that positioning an observer at the intersection
also seemed to enhance the probability of crashes.
"We suspect there's a quantum physics thing working here where the
observer actually causes the event," added Green. Further studies will be
conducted on this theory.
National traffic experts have long suspected that people in cars will almost
always arrive at a common point, enabling a crash to occur, even if only two
cars were traveling on a road over the course of an entire day.
"There's a famous story that there were two model T's on a road, going
in opposite directions, the only two cars in the entire county, and they had a
head-on collision," said George Pathfinder, head of the National Auto
Insurance Rate Increase Council.
People have known for decades that if there is a one lane bridge, cars going
in the opposite direction will almost always arrive that the bridge at the same
moment.
"If there were no intersections, there would be far fewer auto
accidents," said Green.
Green also suggested that two-way streets are a serious source of collisions,
and that the entire country should convert to one-way streets to reduce car
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MILLIONS TRAPPED IN HOMES ALL ACROSS AMERICA
As summer vacation season looms, news that gasoline prices are pushing $4 a
gallon has resulted in millions of families canceling their vacations.
"My SUV costs $80 to fill a tank of gas, which will get me a 300 mile
round trip," said Wendy Fairtree, "so I can go as far as Phoenix from
Tucson and back."
Fairtree noted she'd rather stay home than go to Phoenix.
"I can't afford to drive all the way to San Diego," she added.
All across the nation, people are realizing that summer vacation means
staying at home.
"There is going to be a serious increase in psychological problems
because people are trapped in their homes," said Sigmund Fraud, head of the
General Delivery University College of Phreneology.
"They won't be able to escape to the beach or the mountains, and going to
have to tough it out in the confines of their homes or apartments," Fraud
added.
NEW SUMMER FASHION CRAZE
Women across the country rushed to buy bolts of cloth and sew their
own pioneer style dresses after seeing the women of the Texas polygamy group parading in front of court houses.
"It's a statement of returning to a simpler time," said Fred Fashionista, with Women's Wear Daily.
"Very very retrograde," added Pierre Savant from the Parisian fashion house JeSuis.
"I gotta wonder what's going on in the minds of the guys in that cult," said Joe Beerman at a local bar, "them's
the most un-sexy women I've ever seen."
"Precisely why the style is suddenly so popular," replied Fashionista, "it's a real statement against being
seen as a sex object."
NEW OLYMPIC COMPETITIONS SET FOR BEIJING
Beijing: The International Olympic Committee, while refusing to hold
China to its promises to improve human rights, has announced a number of new
sports competitions that will be featured in this summer's Olympic Games in Beijing.
"In the recognition that the host country seems unwilling to remove its
boot heel from the neck of its people and to recognize Tibet's sovereignty, the
IOC has approved a number of new competitions that will only be featured in this
summer's games," said Juan Samarando, IOC spokesman.
The new Olympic competitions will include:
--Synchronized Protest March. This event will allow up to 100,000
participants to organize a protest march on the streets of Beijing. The march
with the most colorful banners, and discipline amongst the marchers will win the
gold medal. Sixteen countries have already announced they would field teams in
this competition, including Tibet, the Philippines, Venezuela, and
Poland.
--Panicked Obstacle Running. This competition, which is slated
to run concurrently with the Synchronized Protest March event, involves the
ability to run away from riot police, dodge rubber bullets and jump over barricades,
among other skills. Medals will be awarded for teams as well as individuals.
--Large Banner Holding. Medals will be awarded to the team with the
largest protest banner that is held up the longest. "There is a serious
amount of athleticism involved in holding a large banner up against the wind,
surging marchers, assaults by riot police, and still manage to capture the lens
of television cameras," said Samarando.
--Group Chanting. Medals will also be awarded for the best large group
chanting during the Synchronized Protest March event. "The winning chant
will reverberate around the world and become iconic for the 2008 event,"
said Samarando.
Chinese governmental officials immediately protested the inclusion of the four
new competitions, claiming it was a thinly disguised scheme to allow people to
protest China's miserable human rights record.
"The new Olympic events are a thinly disguised scheme of the Tibetan
jackals to embarrass the glorious Chinese people," said Fang Chi Huan, head
of the Chinese Ministry of Subordinating People Living in Autonomous Regions.
China is refusing to allow any of its people to participate in the new
events, and is threatening to not allow entry into the country for foreigners to
compete.
"It would be most unfortunate if the Chinese did not allow athletes to
compete in the new events from within its own country, or from other nations
already sending teams to the Games," said Samarando. "If the Chinese
boycott the new events, it is likely other nations would withdraw their teams
from the games in retaliation."
PEOPLE OBJECT TO THEIR NAMES BEING USED FOR HURRICANES
A coalition of people whose names will be used to name Atlantic hurricanes
has filed a protest with the National Hurricane Center asking that their names
be deleted from the list.
"Who wants to be known by a name like Katrina which is associated with
drowning an American city," said Bertha, whose name will be attached to the
second named tropical storm in the Atlantic this season.
"Calling a hurricane Omar is inviting all kinds of problems," said
Gustav, whose name will also be used for a storm.
"We think hurricanes ought to be named after names from stories and
legends, but who no one alive today is named," said Marco, another
potential storm namesake.
The 2008 tropical storm and hurricane names for this season are: Arthur,
Bertha, Cristobal, Dolly, Edouard, Fay, Gustav, Hanna, Ike, Josephine, Kyle,
Laura, Marco, Nana, Omar, Paloma, Rene, Sally, Teddy, Vicky, and Wilfred.
Fourteen named storms are expected this season.
Some really unhelpful summer advice:
BANDERSNATCH VACATION GUIDE
BANDERSNATCH GUIDE TO SUMMER CAMPS
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GONIFF & GELT
ALL THE JUSTICE YOU CAN AFFORD
The Law Firm of Goniff & Gelt was founded in
1973 by two then recent graduates of the General Delivery University
College of Law who could not get real jobs, and therefore, out of the sheer
necessity of having to pay back massive student loans, opened up their own
practice.
Realizing that clients just didn't materialize in their shabby lobby by
magic, Goniff & Gelt pioneered Tasteless Legal Advertising.
 Goniff & Gelt was
the first Law Firm to offer Wills--Two For the Price of One, and a contingency
fee of only 25% for auto accidents. Fortunately, the Law Office of Goniff &
Gelt was strategically located on an extremely busy and dangerous intersection
in Tucson, Arizona, and clients (some dripping blood and carrying pieces of
their windshields) started staggering in.
Goniff & Gelt also opened up the first Swap Meet Law Office in
America.
In 1983 the firm went on television for the first time with a commercial
showing weeping relatives watching their loved one being buried, with the
announcer informing the audience that "It is too late for Mr. Smith to make out
his will. How about you?" This commercial instantly raised the ire of the State
Bar Association which tried to disbar the two lawyers. In the landmark decision
Goniff v. Bar their right to advertise was upheld.
More recently the firm has been running a commercial showing Harry Goniff
getting into his brand new Mercedes Benz (which has a license plate reading "Sue
The Bastards") explaining that poor people who commit crimes generally end up in
prison, whereas richer folk can beat the rap if they hire the right
lawyer...hence the firm's motto "All The Justice You Can Afford."
Goniff & Gelt is an F rated lawfirm by Martindale-Hubbell.
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NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
ICE BREAKS ON SANTA CRUZ RIVER
The ice broke on the Santa Cruz River May 19th, a few days earlier than
normal.
Now, anyone familiar with where Baja Arizona is located, knows that our ice
break is not the same event as somewhere in Alaska. The ice breaks in Baja
Arizona when we record our first 100 degree day.
Notwithstanding there is usually no water in the Santa Cruz River (at least
in the vicinity of Tucson), the ice break day is our official first day of
summer.
And with the advent of summer in Baja Arizona three thoughts dominate:
(1) Getting our evaporative coolers operational;
(2) Planning the obligatory trip to San Diego to escape
the heat (if you can afford the gas); and
(3) Preparing for our Summer Monsoon.
Follow the links if you need more information on getting your evaporative
cooler working, or going to San Diego.
Regard our summer monsoon, more will be provided in a future issue as the
advent of our monsoon is more immediately on the horizon (right around the first
week of July).
And now we face a seemingly endless series of days with the temperature at or
above 100 degrees, which won't end until late September or Early October....a
long time from now it seems.
Fortunately, the snow birds have left our area, leaving parking spaces closer
to stores so we don't have to walk as far in the heat, our streets are not
clogged, and government pretty much shuts down for the summer so we don't have
much to sorry about on that front. We're starting our summer siesta.
NEW FUTILE SCHEME TO STOP ILLEGAL ENTRY
Arivaca: The Boeing corporation has been awarded a muti-billion dollar
contract to construct and deploy 30,000 robotic dogs along the US-Mexico border,
it was learned today.
The new contract comes in the wake of the failure of Boeing's much heralded
Electronic Fence project which was constructed and tested near this tiny border
community in Baja Arizona.
"The electronic fence was a giant boondoggle," said Trish Tristam,
Arivaca artist. "They set up towers all around our town with cameras and
radar to spy on us but the system failed."
Local rumor suggests two reasons why the electronic fence was deemed
worthless by the Border Patrol--Arivaca residents constantly mooning the
cameras, and the inability of Border Patrol agents to access the data from the
electronic fence in the laptop computers in their trucks.
"We admit the mooning by the locals was problematic," said Bruce
Ketchem, head of the Tucson Sector of the Border Patrol, "but the real
problem was the data transmitted from the electronic fence towers couldn't be
used in our trucks."
Boeing's cameras and radars couldn't distinguish wild coyotes from illegal
immigrant smugglers called coyotes.
The new contract calls for Boeing to construct robotic dogs which will prowl
the border region, bark at suspected illegal immigrants, and radio their
location to Border Patrol agents in the region.
"We thought about using real dogs on the border," said Ketchem,
"but that would require humans to be with the dogs and our policy is to
deploy as few live agents at the border as we can get away with."
Critics of the Border Patrol's efforts to stem the tide of illegal entry into
the United States noted that the robotic dog program is also likely to fail.
"So what if the dog gives an alert that there are illegals in the
area," said Olivia Contreras, head of the Baja Arizona Immigrant Rights
Organization. "The nearest Border Patrol agent will be tens of miles away
and will never be able to respond in time to do anything useful, just like it is
now."
In other border news, the US Border Patrol admitted that as fast it is
constructs the new fence on the border, illegal entrants have been cutting holes
through it with plasma torches and scaling the fence with giant ladders.
"We build a 30 foot fence and they show up with a 31 foot ladder,"
said Ketchem.
US officials are asking the Mexican government to ban the sale of ladders,
bungee cords, and cutting torches within 50 miles of the border. Mexican
officials reportedly have not stopped laughing at the request.
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BACK ISSUES
2008 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION
US TO BUY CUBA
BENEFITS OF RECESSION TOUTED
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING
2007 Christmas Issue
SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY
SELLING ICE TO ESKIMOES
CHINESE TOY CONSPIRACY
SEND ILLEGAL ALIENS TO IRAQ
BAJA ARIZONA NEWS
ATTORNEY GENERAL DEPORTED
GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS
BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED
ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON
GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS
FALL TV SHOWS FOUND FLAKEY
BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY
QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT
2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION
HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS
US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER
BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES
SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT
EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS
DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT
PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES
LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED
SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER
SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS
BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES
THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
BAJA ARIZONA
TUCSON
GREEN VALLEY
TUBAC
NOGALES
KOKOPELLI COUNTY
read about bordertown
SELF HELP ADVICE
WRECK YOUR LIFE GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT
TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST
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BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS
BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS
A MODERN NOAH'S ARK
SAVE THE BUGS
NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED
NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED
TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS
INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING
WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK
FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES
FEMININE SIDE OF WATER
IRS REFORMS SORT OF
CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD
THE INTERNET WITCH
THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)
ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA
STANDARD NEWSPAPER HEADLINES
ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME
PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS
BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE
CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS
FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND
ALIENS INVADE MARS
MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR
CLINTON DEFINITON OF SEX
TAMPA TO HOST 2010 WINTER OLYMPICS
NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS
BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND
BANDERSNATCH GUIDES
GLOBAL WARMING
SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT
EVAPORATIVE COOLERS
SAN DIEGO
BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS
CHRISTMAS
GROUNDHOG DAY
VALENTINE'S DAY
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