The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.
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The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.
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March, 2008 (Updated March 15, 2008) Published Monthly
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THE FEMININE SIDE OF DRINKING WATER A recent study in Flushing It Out, a scientific journal focusing on the impact of treated wastewater reuse, claim pharmaceuticals -- including the female hormone estrogen -- are infiltrating drinking water supplies. Considering that treated wastewater recharged into drinking water supplies is being regarded as a newly discovered water resource to support unrestricted growth, particularly in arid regions, the findings of the study have far reaching implications. Reactions to the indices are mixed with some sectors finding relief at the news, others seeing their patriarchal advantages being pissed away, and others viewing the findings not the least constipating to their agendas. Connie Lingus, spokeswoman for Women's Estrogen Planning League (WELP), a newly emerging non-violent feminist group, sees consumption of the estrogen-laced water supplies as having a positive impact on the age-old battle of the sexes. "We think it will really help men in their struggle to see it our way," stated Lingus. "Wide-spread consumption is certain to accelerate the process of the male population's attempts to get in touch with their feminine side," Lingus added. Taking the unintended implications of the discovery of estrogen in the water supply one step further, Lingus noted that the study prompted the organization to initiate what they perceive as a helpful campaign for the strategic burning of tampons and menstrual panty liners in the hopes of adding estrogen as a by-product to the global oxygen supply. Dick Rod, point man for Rage of Man (RAM), warns that uncontrolled estrogen infiltration of the nation's drinking waters would lead to a national identity crisis. "Society as we know and love it could be dumped on," he stated. "Infiltration of the E-word hormone could lead to an insidious takeover by nurturing forces leading to a paradigm shift away from the dominant power base in this country." He added, however, that he maintained the prerogative to change his mind and retract the statement. "Expressing alarm at his organization's inadvertent contribution to estrogen- dominated drinking water supplies, Bibe Cervantez, brew master of GUT, the nation's largest supplier of beer, stated the company is adding warning labels to its products to address the issue. "We recognize our responsibility to warn the public that high levels of beer consumption by females, particularly college coeds and women on hormone replacement therapy, stimulates unintended production and discharge of estrogen into our water supplies," he stated. Cervantez, unable to be specific about the company's plans to avoid liability for polluting water supplies, noted that the label concepts and content, and a campaign for recapturing market share after the expected downturn in female-driven sales, were being conceptualized by an undisclosed major advertising agency based in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. "As long as there is H2O in it, we capitalize on it, regardless of the impact," said Bill Ders, President of Press On With Environment Removal (POWER), a leading pro-development lobbyist group with close to 210 paid members. Ders, in a written statement, summarized the organization's position by stating "Drink and be Mary (sic)". Copyright 2008 by N. Valentine REAL ADVERTISEMENTS - HELP KEEP US ALIVE ON THE WEB
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WORST DEPRESSION FORECAST US ECONOMY GIANT PONZI SCHEME Economists at the General Delivery University Ponzi School of Economics forecast America's worst depression since the 1930's. "The US economy is simply a giant ponzi scheme," said Robert Vescow, dean of the Ponzi School. "People have finally figured this out." An element of the US ponzi economy is robbing Peter to pay Paul. explained the GDU economist. "Take social security. We're using today's tax dollars to pay for benefits for people whose payments into the system were used to give benefits to people in the past. The problem is the people in the future won't generate enough cash flow to keep the benefits flowing. The social security system is just a ponzi scheme," said Vescow. The national debt is another element of the giant ponzi scheme, said Vescow. "We're mortgaging our future and our creditors around the world are now having seriuous doubts we'll be able to pay back what we've borrowed." Rising oil prices are putting a major crimp in the economy. "The cost of gasoline is now seriously limiting what people can do and spend their money on," said Vescow. "That in turn reduces consumer spending, which shrinks the economic pie." The home mortgage fiasco is also sapping the US economy. "The biggest problem is not the foreclosures, it is the shrinking value of homes," said Vescow. "The net worth of the people of the country is shrinking to where they owe more than their assets are worth, especially their homes." The crash in new home construction has triggered a ripple effect in job losses. "First all the real estate agents and construction workers lost their jobs. With that reduction in money circulating in the economy, stores started laying off people, and then manufacturers because no one was buying anything, so what's the point of making anything?" Vescow asked. The ultimate crash will come when people wake up one morning and realize there is not really any money in the economy. "Money is actually mostly a belief system. If everyone suddenly decides money isn't worth anything, then everything just stops," Vescow said. "The really scary thing is most of what we think of as money is not currency and coins, it is electronic data. If suddenly the electronic data vanished, we'd have to return to a cash economy, and who has any cash really?" "Belief is reality," said Vescow. "If you don't believe in the monetary system, then poof, it is gone." "Confidence is everything in maintaining the fiction of an economy, and if people don't have any confidence, what do you have?" The credit crunch or liquidity crisis as it is being called is the ominous sign the collapse of the US economy is imminent, according to Vescow. "The whole country runs on credit. Whether it is the government borrowing money to build aircraft carriers, or the homeowner using her Visa card to buy clothes, we have long departed from a cash and carry economy," Vescow said. "Eliminate the ability to borrow, then we have a serious reality adjustment to make which is we can only afford to buy what we have the actual cash to pay out for whatever." "And no one has any cash since their income is pledged to pay off their mortgages, car loans, and credit cards." "Add to that a loss of income because of the constriction in the employment sector, and the collapse cannot be stopped." Vescow urged Americans to accumulate as much cash currency as they can for the coming crash. "The day is looming when all the plastic is going to be worthless, and the only way you will be able to buy anything is with cold hard cash," Vescow said. "What that cash will be worth remains to be seen," he added. "Outside the United States our currency is going to look like Confederate money. But inside the country a dollar bill still might be able to get you something if anyone will exchange the bill for something else like groceries." Vescow points the blame for the impending implosion of the US economy directly at George W. Bush and his cronies running the government. "Bush has done what Herbert Hoover did, and for pretty much the same reason.What is generically called Republican philosophy about letting free markets operate without any government regulation." Bush will go down as America's worst president in the wake of the collapse. "Concentrations of homeless people will probably become known as Bushvilles," Vescow said. "The symbol of Bush's presidency will probably be a formaldehyde soaked FEMA trailer," Vescow added. "Too bad we can't make Bush have to live in one of his trailers for the rest of his life." US OFFERS TO BUY CUBA In a radical change in policy, the US government has secretly offered to buy Cuba and make it America's 51st state. "Our past policy since Fidel Castro took power has obviously failed, so we decided to think outside the box," said a spokesperson for the State Department. The purchase offer reportedly has two parts. The first part is a cash offer in an undisclosed amount to key people in Raul Castro's administration in exchange for their leaving the country and living in exile in Spain or elsewhere. The second part of the purchase offer is a $1,000 lump sum payment to each and every resident of Cuba. Initial response to the news that the US was trying to buy Cuba was mixed. Sources within the Cuban communist government indicated that many of the older junta were seriously thinking about accepting the offer, while younger communists were worried that the buyout wasn't sufficient for them to live their entire lives in splendor. Sort of like the division in the auto worker industry over corporate buy outs. A stronger sense of support was detected within the Cuban population for the buy out, though there was no agreement who would represent the Cuban people in negotiating the terms. "We'd really like more like $5,000 each," said one Cuban citizen. Exiled Cubans were united in their opposition to the buy out, mostly because they were left out. US officials said the exiled Cubans would get paid if they went back to Cuba. This immediately created a dilemma as while most exiled Cubans keep demanding the right to return to Cuba, most actually don't want to give up their homes and businesses in Florida. The genesis for the Cuban buy out proposal is a small group of foreign and military policy experts in Washington who are convinced that cash, not bombs, will get the US more positive accomplishments around the world. This group was also the source of the proposal to air drop $100 million a day in $5 to $20 bills over insurgent neighborhoods in Iraq. "No one would bother to be fighting if they were all scrambling around picking up the cash," said an anonymous source. "And it would be much cheaper than maintaining the military effort there." Several other countries, two Canadian provinces and the Mexican states of Baja California, Sonora and Chihuahua have offered themselves for sale to the United States in exchange for US statehood and cash to state or national residents. "While buying states and countries on our borders actually makes a lot of sense," said the anonymous spokesperson, "I really don't know how we'd integrate Kosovo in the USA." US NEEDS THREE PRESIDENTS CONSTITUTIONAL AMENDMENT SOUGHT
AUSTIN: A grassroots effort to amend the United States' constitution was
launched today. The goal is to create three chief executive offices for the
country, instead of the current structure which just has one. "The country is just too complex to have one chef executive," said
Jim Smalltower, head of the constitutional amendment effort. "We need a
president in charge of domestic policy, a president in charge of foreign and
military policy, and a third one to get people fired up to be involved in
government." Smalltower's proposal vaguely resembles power-sharing structures that are
becoming common from Kenya to Iraq. "It is very destructive when there are at least two or more power
structures, identity groups, or whatever competing for control of a government,
"Smalltower explained. "The result is civil war in some cases, or the
US Congress." Supports of Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama immediately endorsed the multiple
president amendment. "Here we have two absolutely equally qualified and wonderful people
running for one office and we ought to have both," said Julia Low,
who had to flip a coin to decide who to vote for in the Texas Democratic
primary. Smalltower's proposed amendment would require two out of three of the
presidents to agree before any action or policy was taken. "That way we avoid a megalomaniac such as George Bush from invading
Iraq," he said. Under Smalltower's concept, the US could end up with Hillary Clinton as the
domestic president, John McCain as the foreign affairs and military president,
and Obama as the chief cheerleader. BUSH MADE HONORARY MEMBER OF JIHAD Islamic fundamentalists bent on destroying America secretly named George W.
Bush an honorary member of the Jihad it was learned recently. "No other single individual has done so much to undermine the strength
of America and destroy its war-making abilities than Mr. Bush," a statement
from the Jihad said. "Bush and his corrupt cronies have destroyed the value of the America
dollar, forced hundreds of thousand of Americans out of their homes, destroyed
the ability of business in the country to grow and expand due to the lack of
credit, increased environmental damage due to unregulated pollution, gutted the
US tax revenue base, and actually decreased the life span of the average
American due to the prohibitive cost of health care," the Jihad said. "In our wildest imagination, we could never have done as much to topple
the United States as a world super power as Bush has done," the Jihad
explained. Observers in the United States were caught by surprise that the Jihad could
embrace Bush, their supposed worst enemy. "That Bush has ignored trying to hunt down Osama bin Laden might be a
clue there's something deeper going on here," said Gary Spleen, head of the
General Delivery University Clauswitz School of Diplomacy. "But it is
unquestionable that Bush has deeply damaged America." "It is a fundamental concept of Bush's type of conservatism that
government is evil and should be dismantled," Spleen added, "and Bush
has done exactly that with the American federal government." "At every chance, Bush appointed hostile people to head federal agencies
and departments, cut taxes to reduce funding availability for government to
function, and pissed away a trillion dollars in Iraq further constricting the
federal government's ability to operate," Spleen added. "Now that the recession Bush denies exists is drying up even more
revenue for not only the federal, but state and local governments, we are seeing
probably the greatest reduction in government in several generations,"
Spleen said. The Jihad has offered to give Bush a certificate honoring his efforts to
destroy the American government, if Bush were willing to come to a remote area
of Afghanistan to accept it. GDU OPENS NEW WAITRESS ACADEMY In its never ceasing attempt to access student loan funds, the
General
Delivery University today announced the opening of its new Waitress Academy. "The Waitress Academy offers career education training for both men and
women seeking employment as food servers," said General William Delivery,
President of the GDU. Students at the GDU Waitress Academy work in local restaurants honing their
skills in taking orders, and delivering food to patrons of restaurants ranging
from greasy spoons to five star dining establishments. |
NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD NOT MOVE TO TUCSON 
Tucsonans rant about growth but no one has really come up with an effective program to stop growth in the Santa Cruz Valley. The information promoting Tucson to the rest of the nation tends to be excessively positive. Maybe the touting of Tucson should be more truthful. For example: The principal economic activities in the area include land speculation, land development, land fraud, mining, missile making, selling Mexican pottery, and answering telephones for companies. Not surprisingly, the average family income in Tucson is several thousand dollars less than in Phoenix.
Tucson experiences temperatures as high as 117 degrees in the summer, has an average annual rainfall of less than 12 inches, and the area around Tucson is home to more kinds of poisonous snakes, insects and lizards than anywhere in the world. Residents in the desert areas surrounding the city routinely use blacklights to search their rooms for poisonous scorpions clinging to the ceiling, before going to bed. Tucson has a multiplicity of governments, all which have various kinds of taxing authority, and none of them cooperate among themselves. Increasing numbers of vehicles compete for inadequate roads and streets with little improvement in sight. The major sources of drinking water or local aquifers which are being mined out. Tucson also gets water from the Colorado River which may vanish due to global warming. Tucson used to have excellent schools, but years of under-funding by the state legislature has rendered the public education system on the brink of collapse. Higher education, especially the University of Arizona located in the city, is also threatened by the GOP dominated state legislature. However, the area is home to the General Delivery University, America's biggest on-line diploma mill. Tucson's many local governments face serious budget cuts in the next few years due to the recession. Thus the meager public services now being offered will be reduced even more. Tucson has only one Level 1 Trauma Center, which is constantly at risk for being closed due to budget cuts. Emergency room services are among the worst in the nation, with patients waiting up to 8 hours to be treated even when they are dying. The countryside around Tucson is overrun with illegal aliens and drug smugglers being pursued by armed Border Patrol agents. Much of the countryside is no longer safe to go hiking in. Signs are erected on the approaching freeways warning of blinding dust storms and flash floods ahead. They are not kidding. The area is noted for high risks of Valley Fever, mosquito borne dengue fever, and is the nation's capital for skin cancer. Drive by shootings are common. No on or off-ramps are currently allowed on Interstate 10 through the downtown area of Tucson. Many local residents suggest the off-ramps should be eliminated on all interstates in Pima County. So, before you think about moving to Tucson, consider the above information and think twice. WOULD-BE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TO BE HIRED GIANT WALL TO BE BUILT ALONG US-MEXICO BORDER Nogales: US and Mexican officials have offered the latest suggestion in keeping illegal immigrants out of the United States...building the Great Wall of Arizona. "The proposed Great Wall would not just be another ordinary border fence," said Brian Ketchum, chief of the Tucson Sector of the US Border Patrol, "it would b a giant wall sort of like the Great Wall of China."
The Great Wall of Arizona would be over 100 feet wide and 70 feet tall and be made out of dirt and locally available rock. "The unique aspect of the Great Wall of Arizona is that it really isn't intended to keep illegal immigrants out of Arizona," Ketchum explained, "it will keep the illegals out because we're going to hire all of them to build the wall." The plan involves hiring would-be illegal immigrants to stay at the border and special camps set up along the border, and work on building the wall. "We figure we could employ up to 200,000 of them building the wall, for at least 5 years," said Ketchum. When finished, the Great Wall of Arizona would become a world class tourist attraction, the Border Patrol added. "This will be a spectacular structure, running for hundreds of miles, and people would come from all over the world to see it," Ketchum said. "Not only would tourists want to see the Great Wall of Arizona because of its size, they would want to view first hand one of the largest and most pointless public works projects in human history," said Virginia Aloof, head of the Santa Cruz County organization which assists illegal immigrants.
ADVERTISEMENT Are you coughing and wheezing? Do you have funny sores on your body with black scabs? Then maybe you have Anthrax. But, why limit yourself? There are literally thousands of diseases you can acquire. Small Pox. Bubonic Plague. Need we go on? Why leave it to the media to decide what to be frightened of this month? THERE IS A BETTER WAY! Disease of The Month is a new service offered by the PreTraumatic Stress Institute. Each subscriber will get, via email, a new disease at the beginning of each month to suffer from or be frightened of getting. You won't actually get infected with the disease. What you'll get is a list of the symptoms of the disease so you can begin to notice your having such symptoms. You will also get a list of medications usually taken for the disease (that you don't actually have), as well as a list of expected co-dependent behavior. You will also be provided with a list of Do's and Don't for your Disease of the Month. For example, next month will be Dengue Fever Month. Avoid mosquitoes. You will be given a list of foods which prevent your disease, and those which exacerbate it. We have an excellent selection of diseases carefully chosen by our expert panel of hypochondriacs and other psychosomatic sufferers. NOTE: None of our Disease of the Month selections are fatal (though our Premier Edition does offer a fine list of terminal illnesses that take years to reach their conclusion) at a nominal extra price. JOIN DISEASE OF THE MONTH TODAY AND WATCH YOUR LIFE DETERIORATE BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES! Being sick means you get a lot of attention. AGENT WANTED I am looking for an agent to represent me and sell
the stuff from this web site so I can make some money.
The following properties are available:
BOOKS The General Delivery University Catalog the world's largest on-line diploma mill.
Get In Touch With Your Inner Rodent ...a parody on self-help books.
SCREENPLAYS
The Sparrow WWII story about the Air Transport Command
TREATMENTS
SLIDEBACK What if the mob had a war with a big corporation?
THE DEAD PEOPLE How do you think you'll survive on Social Security?
Contact me at Hugh Holub |
BACK ISSUES
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - APRIL FOOLS
THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA
SELF HELP ADVICE
WRECK YOUR LIFE GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT
TAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST
TAKE OUR SEXUAL INCOMPATIBILITY TEST
BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS
NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED
TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS
INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING
FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES
CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD
THE RECENT PAST THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)
BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE
FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND
MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR
TAMPA TO HOST 2008 WINTER OLYMPICS
NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEOMS
BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND
BANDERSNATCH GUIDES
BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS
SITE LISTINGS
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