The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

The least trustworthy source of news on the World Wide Web

October, 2008 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.


ECONOMIC CRISIS EXPLAINED

First, we have a Republican administration that doesn't like big government, and which gave huge tax breaks to rich people.

Second, these same Republicans  failed to regulate banking and mortgage lending institutions because we have a Republican administration that trusts the free enterprise sector to make smart decisions.

Third, the mortgage banking industry made a trillion dollars worth of stupid decisions lending money to people who couldn't afford mortgage payments.

Fourth, all these people buying houses they couldn't afford  spawned a huge construction boom.

Fifth, when the people who couldn't afford the stupid mortgages they were sold, they defaulted, throwing the stupid lenders into bankruptcy.

Sixth, the stupid mortgage lenders managed to sell their stupid mortgage paper to even stupider investment banks who then packages all this garbage paper and sold the crap to just about everyone in the world.

Seventh, as even more people defaulted their mortgages and abandoned their homes, the supply of vacant homes started driving down the value of homes, dropping the values below what many people owed in mortgages on them.

Eighth, even more people defaulted their mortgages because the home values had dropped. More vacant homes glutted the market, driving home values down even more.

Ninth, the new home building industry virtually shut down because no one was buying new homes when you could steal one out of foreclosure. Thousand of construction workers lost their jobs, creating even more people who couldn't afford their mortgage payments, increasing the volume of defaults and foreclosures.

Tenth, the Bush administration started bailing out financial institutions that were involved with all this stupid lending, leaving only Lehman Brothers to have to file for bankruptcy probably because someone in the Bush family got stiffed by the Lehman bunch in an oil deal.

And so here we are.....


US ECONOMY CRATERS

The photo says it all.


BANDERSNATCH ECONOMIC RECOVERY PLAN

The first premise of our proposed economic recovery plan is that we must understand money.

Money, many think, is cash. It is not. "Money" is an electronic system where computers add and subtract balances from accounts. There is no real :cash" associated with this.

What is associated with "money" are beliefs.

These beliefs include:

-- that the same amount of "money" tomorrow will have the same purchasing power as today.

--that we will all have access to "money" via our paychecks tomorrow like we did last week.

--that as a consequence of having access to "money"...whether by selling our stocks or receiving a paycheck, we will be able to pay all our bills.

--that if we put our "money" in a bank, it will be there tomorrow if we need it.

The core problem in today's financial crisis is that our beliefs about "money" have been shattered. We have lost faith in our "money". We woke up one morning and realized "money" wasn't real at all. It was just gone.

Since "money" is essentially a belief system, to solve our problem we need to recreate that belief system.

Our proposal starts with a concept of starting all over as though nothing happened in the past.

This is very important because the more time and energy we spend blaming someone for what's happened, that time and energy is wasted in going forward into the future. Sure, there were bad people. And bad policy. If we had a time machine we could back in fix the stupid or criminal decisions. {Problem is we don't have a time machine.

The next step is the clean slate new start.

This clean slate includes the following:

--all debt would be wiped out. Whatever any of us...personal or corporate...would be wiped clean. None of us owes anyone anything. Our mortgages are paid off. Our business debts are paid off.

--and everyone owed money would be paid off. 100% face value, (no prepayment penalties allowed).

How do we do this outrageous thing, you ask.

Simple, we all agree to believe that the government, which invents money, can invent enough money to pay all debt off with "new" money.

The second step of the clean slate is every adult (over age 18)  in the country is given $100,000 of the "new" money. To do whatever he or she wants to do with that "new" money.

The third step is to establish a very tight system of financial regulation based on truth. Anyone who lies or schemes to suck money away from someone else to accumulate more while someone has less, is subject to the death penalty. Lets increase the risk premium for manipulating money at other people's expense. Whether the culprit be a con man or a wall street banker, they commit fraud to steal your money, they die.

The fourth step is to weed out of our system greed. A reasonable rate of return is fine, but excess profits just so some shareholders get fat dividends while other people lose their jobs...no way.

The fifth step is to completely revise the tax system so its fair. Fair means no deductions or loopholes. Everyone pays 5% on their income, however they earn it. We can no longer afford the corrosive belief that some people get way without paying taxes because they can afford lobbyists. Our tax system should simply collect money to pay for government functions, not to induce behavior or investment in someone's pet schemes.

The sixth step is to regulate the credit market. Put usury laws back on the books. Oversee the risk assessment system to make sure lenders tie their loans and rates to appropriate risk levels.

The seventh step is to regulate the debt and bond and stock rating systems. He who rates insures the outcome if people rely on the rating.

The eigth step is a serious effort at energy independence and development of renewable energy. If Brazil can eliminate the importation of foreign oil, we can to. And we don't have to wreck our environment to do this.

But this all comes down to believing it can work.

Of course people will note that vastly increasing the money supply will set off inflation. That is a belief itself. Why would everyone suddenly want to buy everything and push prices up?

Elimination all debt lifts an enormous burden off the  economy. Everyone is free and clear. Income is now available to invest, to build, or to save.

Will this work? In the short run, sure. In the long run, we're probably going to go back to our old, foolish, greedy ways believing that some people are more entitled to money than others, that a sucker is born every minute, that government is evil and should not mess with the free market, that there's no such thing as excess profits, that shareholders are more important than working people...and if that's the case our economy and system deserves to die.

But think about what is going to be like when you lose your job, and can't buy food or pay for your electricity. Because all the "money" evaporated and no one could pay their bills or their wages.

Would you like to eat the squirrels living in the trees near your house?

Let us all get together and believe in some new form of money, and start over.


PALIN DEFENDS RIGHT TO SHOOT WOLVES FROM AIRPLANES

We can't tell you how Republican vice presidential pick Sarah Palin would do on national defense, but when it comes to defending Alaska's right to shoot wolves, she's not afraid to pull the trigger.

Just ask California Rep. George Miller.

Miller, a member of the House Natural Resources Committee, introduced federal legislation last year to end Alaska's policy of allowing people to shoot wolves from airplanes - a practice used to keep the number of wolves in check so they don't eat all the state's moose and caribou.

Miller - who has strong support from environmental groups around the country - deemed the kills cruel and unnecessary to preserve the moose and caribou population. What's more, he said, they violate federal law banning airborne hunting.

Faster than you can cry wolf, Palin told the East Bay congressman and his Washington pals to butt out.

"Congressman Miller doesn't understand rural Alaska (and) doesn't comprehend wildlife management in the North," the Alaska governor said in a statement issued last September.

Miller is also clueless to the fact that game hunters rely on the moose and caribou "to put healthy food on their families' dinner tables," Palin said.

Miller, however, tells us there are plenty of moose and caribou for native Alaskans to hunt. He says his bill, still waiting to be heard in committee, is really about stopping the state from handing out licenses to sportsmen "in the name of predator control."

"Shooting wolves from airplanes probably doesn't look like a good deal to most Americans," he said.


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BACK ISSUES

OFFSHORE DRILLING PROPOSED OFF REPUBLICAN COASTS

CALENDAR MAKERS PROTEST END OF TIME

NEW BEIJING OLYMPIC COMPETITIONS PROPOSED

2008 APRIL FOOL EDITION

US TO BUY CUBA

BENEFITS OF RECESSION TOUTED

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING

2007 Christmas Issue

SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY

SELLING ICE TO ESKIMOES

CHINESE TOY CONSPIRACY

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BAJA ARIZONA NEWS

2007 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS

BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED

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GOP BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON DEMOCRATS

FALL TV SHOWS FOUND FLAKEY

BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY

QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT

2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS

US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER

BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES

SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT

EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS

DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT

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