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April, 2009 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.



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JOURNAL OF THE DEPRESSION

The following is an on-going series about one person's struggle through the economic collapse:

I’m having an experience many Americans are going through right now. It ought to be obvious that if one has lost their job and don’t have the income to pay bills, the bills aren’t going to get paid.

With only a limited amount of cash available, people tend to prioritize what gets paid and what doesn’t.

Things like food, health insurance premium, mortgage and car payments come first, along with electric, water, telephone and gasoline charges.

For many right now, even the basics can’t be covered, which is why there’s a massive number of home foreclosures.

A whole lot of people are getting sucked down who had nothing to do with getting subprime mortgages. Due to the economic collapse, millions of workers have been tossed out the door. Our credit ratings are being wrecked so we aren’t going to qualify for all the new razzle dazzle help programs. Our homes are worth less than our mortgages so we can’t refinance to lower rates. We don’t have the income to keep the economy going, so things just keep spiraling downward because as we had to cut back our spending, even more people lost their jobs.

There’s an irony here.

One of the credit card outfits that calls me 3 times a day is using a call center in India to hassle me.

What we have is our companies sent jobs to India so someone in Mumbai can pay his bills by calling and harassing Americans who are delinquent on their accounts because the US worker lost his job.

If we had jobs, we could pay our bills.


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FEDERAL RESERVE SENDS CHECK FOR $30,000 TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER

Washington: Heeding the advice of The Frumious Bandersnatch, the Federal Reserve today announced that it was sending a check for $30,000 to each and every individual or couple taxpayer in America.

"The cost of this program will be $3 trillion," said a spokesman for the Federal Reserve, "which is about what we've spent bailing out banks."

There will be no restrictions on what people can do with their $30,000 check.

"People could buy stock, put it savings, buy a new car, pay off their credit car debt, pay medical bills, pay for their kid's college tuition, whatever," said the Federal Reserve.

"One thing for sure, is a lot of money will go into immediate circulation in the country helping to jump start the economy," the Federal Reserve added.

Single taxpayers would get $30,000 and married couple would et $60,000 under the plan.

No payments would be made to anyone earning over $250,000 in taxable income in 2008, and no payments would be made to C corporations. Payments would be made to S corporations. 

Joe Sam, Statutory Agent and Foreign Correspondent for the Bandersnatch was guardedly optimistic about the potential payment. "I realize we're going to have to pay this all back in higher taxes in the future, but this ought to set off a wave of inflation making the effective cost about one-half what it would be today.


TALIBAN SURRENDER, DISAVOWS ISLAMIC EXTREMISM

Kabul: The Taliban, in a sudden reversal of policy, disavowed their extreme version of Islam and laid down their weapons.

"We finally found someone who could actually read the Koran, and discovered we were being fed a pile of crap from the advisors we had," said a spokesman for the Taliban.

The Taliban plan to work to rebuild Afghanistan into a modern, prosperous country complete with education for their women.


HAMAS AND FATAH MAKE UP, UNIFY PALESTINE

RECOGINIZE ISRAEL'S RIGHT TO EXIST

Gaza: After weeks of negotiations, Hamas and Fatah have agreed to a coalition government to rule Palestine. As part of that agreement, Hamas has accepted the right of Israel to exist.

"There are some conditions for this," said a spokesman for Fatah.

"They include Israel removing all their settlements on the West Bank and turning the entire West Bank over to Palestinian control, open borders between Israel and Palestine, removal of all the Israeli walls, and allowing all displaced Palestinians living in other countries the right of return to Palestine.

In exchange, the Palestinians will quit firing rockets into Israel.

Israeli officials were silent in response to the proposal. West Bank settlers were furious at the prospect of being evicted from their settlements and vowed to topple any Israeli government that agreed to the Palestinian proposal.

"We just want to keep the war going forever," said a settler.


IRAN GIVES UP NUKE PROGRAM

Tehran: In a move that caught the US by surprise, Iran has decided to drop its nuclear weapons development program and open up the country to Un inspection.

Peaceful development of nuclear electric generation till continue, the Iranians announced, subject to full inspection.

"With oil selling for such low prices, we can't afford the cost of developing nuclear weapons," said a spokesman for the Iranian government.

"Anyway, we don't need nukes to export to terrorist groups to keep the world in a state of fear," the spokesman added. "We can make lots of smaller bombs for roadside attacks."


MEXICO CRUSHES DRUG CARTELS

Mexico City: In a series of midnight raids, the Mexican Army rounded up thousands of drug cartel officials, tried them, and executed them.

Billions of dollars in foreign currency was sized in the raids, along with billions worth of drugs. 

"The amount of money we seized ought to keep the federal government operating for several years," said a Mexican federal official.

The swift move to eradicate the drug cartels caught many by surprise, especially the cartel members who thought they had bought or terrorized the Mexican government into looking the other way.

What finally prompted the Mexican government to quit blaming the US drug demand and weapons supply for the drug cartel problem was the damage the cartels' drug wars were doing to the Mexican tourist economy.

"Spring Break was an economic disaster with people afraid to come to Mexico," said a government official. "These drug thugs were so busy protecting their own petty interests that they didn't realize they were destroying our country."

From here on out, anyone caught in Mexico possessing drugs, selling drugs, laundering money, taking bribes from, the drug cartels, selling or smuggling guns, or possessing an automatic weapon will be executed within 24 hours.

"We will leave it to the United States to deal with the problem of millions of drug addicts whose supply of Mexican drugs has been eliminated," said the Mexican official.


US LEGALIZES MEXICAN WORKERS OPENS GATES TO WORKER IMMIGRATION

Washington: Within minutes of Mexico's announcement that a crackdown had been made on Mexican drug cartels, the US Congress passed legislation allowing all existing Mexican illegal residents to pay $5,000 and apply for either a work permit or a citizenship track.

"If they want to become citizens, they will have to learn English," said Senator Fred Freebush, (D) Baja Arizona.

Temporary workers would be allowed into the US for one year upon payment of a $2,000 work permit fee. The work permits could be renewed annually for another $2,000 a year fee. Permitted workers would have to check in at least once a month with a federal immigration office to verify where thy live. Permitted workers would be allowed driver's licenses, but not be eligible for US Social Security benefits. Payments made by the workers to US Social Security would be used to fund the deficit in Social Security to protect Americans.

'This way, anyone caught sneaking across the border would be presumed to be a drug smuggler or a terrorist, and we'll authorize the Border Patrol to shoot them on sight," said Freebush.


OFF SHORE OIL AND GAS DEPOSITS OFFERED FOR SALE

Washington: In response to Republican demand for more offer shore drilling, Democrats today introduced legislation selling off shore oil and gas deposits on the US Continental Shelf at auction.

"The minimum bid price with be $6 trillion, to pay back all the money we pissed away to banks," said Senator Fred Freebush (D) Baja Arizona.

Environmentalists were furious at the proposal, which would flood the US with cheap petroleum products that don't come from foreign sources.

"This will set back the growth of renewable energy development at least 5 years," said a spokesman for People Living Primitively.

Arab oil producing countries immediately bashed the US proposal, since this would reduce the sales of their oil and drive down oil prices world wide, cutting funding to support anti-American terrorist activities.


US BAN IMPORTS FROM CHINA AND EXPORTATION OF US JOBS TO FOREIGN COUNTRIES

Washington: To protect US workers, President Barak Obama launched an effort to ban imports from China, and to prevent any more US jobs from be outsourced to other countries.

"I think what pushed us over the edge was a bank using a call center in Indian calling delinquent credit card customers in the US dunning them for payments," Obama said. "If the call center job had been in the US, then a US citizen would at east be making money to pay his bills."

Other nations immediately declared a trade war against the US, raising duties and banning imports of everything from corn and beef to automobiles to their countries.

"That's cool," said a spokesman for the US Trade Office. "We aren't going to send them computers, airplanes, weapons, and a whole bunch of our stuff they just use to attack us with."

China responded by dumping all the US securities it owns into the market, which the US quickly bought up for pennies on the dollar. 

"We're probably going to make enough reselling the junk debt we sold to China to pay off our national debt," said a spokesman for the US Treasury.

Americans will have to quickly get used to a shortage of many goods now made in China until domestic production can be ramped up. The stuff will obviously cost more, as well.

"The upside of this is that the stuff will be made in the US and our folks will have jobs and can afford to buy the stuff," said a spokesman for the Trade Office.

Officials at Wal Mart were not available for comment as they contemplated stores with empty shelves in a few months as all their Chinese-made products disappear.


US AUTO MAKER UNVEILS CAR THAT GETS 100 MILES TO THE GALLON

Detroit: Confirming the suspicion that the US auto industry had the technology to build a car that got 100 miles per gallon but were suppressing it, Ford today rolled out a whole line of cars and trucks that get at least 100 miles per gallon.

The new super fuel efficient cars and trucks will be in showrooms by April 1, 2010.

Ford also requested that a $10,000 tax credit be enacted for any US made car or truck that gets 100 miles per gallon.

"That ought to jump start the auto industry," a spokesman for Ford allowed.

GM and Chrysler reportedly also have 100 mpg cars waiting in the wings, but are hesitating to announce them until the terms of their federal bailout deals are finalized. GM and Chrysler want the US government to buy out all existing vehicles in the country to remove them from the road and the market.

"If we got rid of every unsafe, fuel guzzling, air pollution car and truck in the country, we'd vastly improve our air, reduce oil demand, and save 40,000 lives a year," said a spokesman for GM.


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HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

With the recession hitting hard, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you used to make.

How does one suffer the loss of 90% of their income and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function.

Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff.

For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait ten years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price a decade years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new.Who needs to be that current, anyway?

A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1999 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today.

A first run movie costs $10.00, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn.

New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Shop at thirft stores. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed?

The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get.

Instead of living in the year 2009, try living in 1999. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years.

The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable.

Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay.

The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff.

Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1999 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office.

As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even.

The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends.

Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. Hey, who can afford health insurance, anyway? We're all going to die, anyway. Why prolong the process and bankrupt your children.

Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts.


“The Squirrelly Advisor” is a parody of “How To” advice columns.

The premise of “The Squirrelly Advisor” is to address topics of concern from a decidedly off-beat perspective.

When confronted with choices in our lives, we hear the voices of our angels and demons advising us, and sometimes we also hear the voice of the squirrel.

Rarely do we actually act upon the advice of our inner squirrel, but sometimes being able to laugh about our problems opens new doors of awareness.

If you have a question you want some Squirrelly Advice on, send your question to The Squirrel

For more Squirrelly Advice CLICK HERE


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GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

by Hugh Holub

INTRODUCTION

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

TRUST THE POWER OF NOT NOW

HOW TO CREATE A STATE OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION

WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM'S MEN ARE FROM HOME DEPOT

LITTLE LEAGUE LESSONS OF LIFE

HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR LOVER

HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP FAIL

SCREWING UP YOUR ROMANCE

HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO LIVE ALONE

HOW TO BLEND YOUR PETS

HOW TO FIND YOUR SOUL MATE

TAKE OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

TAKE OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

 

BUSINESS AND FINANCE

 

1000 WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

HOW TO MAKE ARBITRARY AND CAPRICIOUS DECISIONS

HOW TO AVOID WORK

HOW TO BUY A CAR AND MAKE THE DEALER REALLY HAPPY

HOW TO ANNOY YOUR BOSS

HOW TO WASTE TIME EFFECTIVELY

10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

THE EXPONENTIAL IMPROBABILITY OF SUCCESS AND OTHER NEGOTIATION THEORIES

POLITICS

Chicago Rules of Politics

LIFESTYLE

CODE OF THE CITY

HOW TO AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE

HOW TO FIND YOUR LOST CAR

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HOME

ADVERTISEMENT NEW  MENTAL HEALTH SAFETY PLAN OFFERED

ARE WE BEING PUSHED TOO FAR?

GUIDE TO SUMMER CAMPS

How To Live Forever

SUMMER VACATION ADVICE

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR HUMAN

HOW TO SOLVE A PROBLEM

 


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BILL CLINTON'S DEFINITON OF SEXUAL RELATIONS

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