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August, 2009 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.

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PHOENIX SHOWS FUTURE OF GLOBAL WARMING

It's summer in Phoenix, which means daily high temperatures exceed 110 degrees. At night the temperature rarely dips below 80, and sometimes hovers in the 90's.

Phoenix is an outdoor sauna in the summer.

Phoenix is also home to more right wing crazy people per square mile than any place in America. Barry Goldwater based his political career in Phoenix. So did John McCain. Politically Phoenix is to the right of the rest of the country. It's Republicans are rabid and reactionary. Just look at Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpio who hunts down maids and gardeners for a living. Look at the Arizona State Legislature who mostly come from Pheonix.

It has something to do with the heat frying people's brains.

The problem is that with the advent of global warming, summer temperatures in excess of 110 degrees for weeks on end will not be limited to Phoenix. Dallas, Houston, Miami, Atlanta, and a host of other major American cities are going to become solar ovens.

What does this mean for America?

It means that the hotter it gets, the more Republicans there are going to be. 

Not moderate Republicans, either. Republicans that think Sarah Palin is the Second Coming. Republicans that want everyone to carry concealed weapons who can qualify for a concealed carry permit (which will not  be available to liberals or minorities). Republicans that will abolish all but the essential elements of government. Forget public schools, andpublic health.

Which is why it is most curious that Republicans are still in denial about global warming being real. 

Global warming will be the salvation of the GOP.

The hotter it gets, the crazier people get. And the more they turn into Republicans. Just look at Phoenix.


NEW EVOLUTIONARY HEALTH CARE PLAN PROPOSED

Republican Senator Fred Freebush (R-Baja Arizona) announced a counter version of health care reform to offset Obama's health reform efforts.

"My health care plan is evolutionary," said Freebush. "It is based on survival of the fittest."

The Freebush plan would not cost US taxpayers one penny.

"My plan is aimed at avoiding increasing the federal deficit by making sure we don't pay any tax dollars for health care," Freebush said.

The core of Freebush's plan is to assume that at least 20% of the American public won't be able to afford health insurance and will die.

"There's got to be winners and losers in this society," Freebush said. "That's what America is all about."

People who can afford health insurance will get it, and people who can afford health care will get it under the Freebush plan. People whose jobs don't provide health insurance, or who cannot afford to pay for doctors, just won't get health care.

"There's a reason why some people can't afford health care," said Freebush, "and maybe it is God's way of saying those people aren't valuable enough or productive enough to be part of our society."

Critics of Freebush's plan said it looks a lot like the status quo.

"That's not true," said Freebush. "I propose to actually eliminate the subsidies for the poor that are in the system now. Either a person pays fore health insurance and health care themselves, or they don't get. That means cutting back on existing subsidy programs."

This draconian proposal is exactly what is going to happen if meaningful reform is not adopted, said a source at the White House. "The cost of the existing broken system will overwhelm states and the federal government and we'll just have to keep cutting benefits for Medicare and Medicade until both programs don't exist."

"That's exactly what we want," said a GOP official.


GENERAL MOTORS TO CHANGE NAME TO GOVERNMENT MOTORS

General Motors announced today that they will change their name to Government Motors.

"We could still keep our GM logo," said an official with GM.

US government officials had a mixed response to the GM proposal. "You know who will get the blame if this doesn't work out," said a White House official.

Several Indian tribes have offered to take the Pontiac brand of GM cars in exchange for ownership of the Pontiac assembly plant. "We think an Indian made car would really be a hot item," said a spokesman for the consortium of Tribes proposing the deal. "We'll sell them at our casions."

Some began projecting what kind of cars Government Motors would make in the future.

One vision was a lot of small, energy efficient cars that would end US dependence on foreign oil.

"That is a fantasy," said Fred Freebush, a Republican Senator from Baka Arizona. "What the government will end up making will look a lot like those Soviet era cars the Russians made...big, ugly, inefficient...just like the federal government itself."

"Just wait. They will come up with a car that gets 50 miles to the gallon only if it goes backward."

 

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CHINESE CONSPIRACY TO DESTROY AMERICA

America will collapse in the very near future. The cause will be all the shoddy Chinese made stuff in the US that will all fail at the same time.

We loved getting all that new stuff so cheap. This was especially helpful when our incomes didn't keep up with inflation.

But now we're in deep kimshee, and can't afford to buy anything new any more.

Have you noticed what's happening?

Everything that was made in China is failing or breaking.

Yes, the stuff was cheap. You get what you pay for. It was so badly made, using such inferior materials, you were lucky the stuff lasted as long as it did.

The theory was sure it would fail. It was intended to fail, so you'd have to buy replacements, keeping the Chinese economy booming.

But now the revenge is coming. You can't buy replacements, putting millions of Chinese out of work. So all the Chinese made crap is failing, and our country is going to grind to a halt one morning soon.

If you doubt this Conspiracy Theory, whenever something quits working or breaks, look at where it was made. 99.9% will be from China. Start piling the worthless crap in your front yard. See how fast the pile grows.

THE END IS NEAR!!!!!!!

 

 

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

With the recession hitting hard, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you used to make.

How does one suffer the loss of 90% of their income and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function.

Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff.

For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait ten years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price a decade years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new.Who needs to be that current, anyway?

A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1999 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today.

A first run movie costs $10.00, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn.

New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Shop at thirft stores. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed?

The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get.

Instead of living in the year 2009, try living in 1999. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years.

The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable.

Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay.

The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff.

Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1999 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office.

As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even.

The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends.

Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. Hey, who can afford health insurance, anyway? We're all going to die, anyway. Why prolong the process and bankrupt your children.

Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts.


“The Squirrelly Advisor” is a parody of “How To” advice columns.

The premise of “The Squirrelly Advisor” is to address topics of concern from a decidedly off-beat perspective.

When confronted with choices in our lives, we hear the voices of our angels and demons advising us, and sometimes we also hear the voice of the squirrel.

Rarely do we actually act upon the advice of our inner squirrel, but sometimes being able to laugh about our problems opens new doors of awareness.

If you have a question you want some Squirrelly Advice on, send your question to The Squirrel

For more Squirrelly Advice CLICK HERE


HOW TO WRITE SATIRE

HOW TO AVOID BEING LAID OFF

HOW TO VICTIMIZE YOURSELF

TURN YOUR PERSONALITY DISORDER INTO AN ASSET


JOURNAL OF THE DEPRESSION

Bad Luck Guarantee

You have lost your job and are trying to get another job. It is over 6 months now and you've used up all your savings. You are seriously looking at losing your home, you can't afford dog food for your dog and cat food for your cat and no one is willing to adopt them. Things are getting grim. That's when the following will happen to you:

You will get a speeding ticket from a photo enforcement zone for $250.00. You don't have the money to pay the fine and a warrant will be issued for your arrest.

You are 5 months behind in your payments to your credit cards. They are harassing you on the phone and your credit rating is wrecked. You apply for a job for which you are perfectly qualified, and are denied the job because you have a lousy credit rating.

Your find out your car will need a major repair costing more than $500.00 Without the car you won't be able to get a job. You don't have the $500.

Your eye glasses fall off your face and break. You don't have the money to buy a new pair.

Your teeth start hurting. Obviously a cavity. No money for the dentist.

You have lost your health insurance and  can't afford you anti depressants and anti anxiety meds. You are also now having pains in your chest. You know if you go to the emergency room they're going to find out something s seriously wrong with you, that you won't be able to afford dealing with.

You are obviously clinically depressed and having anxiety attacks, and are not really very pleasant to be around. Your spouse tells you they want a divorce and you get thrown out of your house.

And once you wondered where all the homeless people come from. Now you know..

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1000 WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

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10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

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