The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

satirical newspaper,parody,political humor,satire

January, 2009 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.


BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

GROUNDHOG DAY

VALENTINE'S DAY


SMOG ALERT IN WASHINGTON

WASHINGTON: A dark cloud of smoke from the burning of the files in thousands of federal offices hung over Washington last weekend.

"All the Schedule A and Schedule C Bush appointees, knowing their days are numbered, decided to clean out their files to make sure the incoming Obamans have no evidence with which to try and hunt them down like dogs," said an anonymous source as he shoveled files into his fire place.


2009 ECONOMIC FORECAST

As 2009 begins, pessimism abounds in economic forecasting circles.

The Ponzi School of Economics at the General Delivery University has issued its criminally optimistic forecast for the US economy in 2009.

"It is not to say the economy is going to Hell in a handbasket," said Robert Vescow, head of the Ponzi Econ Dept, "because it is."

"Between the huge drain of the war in Iraq, the mortgage and credit meltdown, and millions of people getting  pink slips now that the Christmas holidays are over," Vescow explained, "things are really going to get grim."

"But any idiot can see that coming," he added.

"The real deal here is whenever there are losers, there are also winners," he added.

"Plus those that are smart enough to escape federal indictment," Vescow said.

Vescow concentrated on trying to make lemonade out of the lemon we're all sucking on.

HOUSING: For those who have any money, there are going to be really good deals in buying foreclosed houses in 2009. The best time to buy will be after September, 2009 when  the new home building industry has completely collapsed, and the price falls another 30 to 40 percent in home values from December 2007 levels. "Banks manage to write stuff off, which I've never understood how they can do that," Vescow explained, "but presto chango after the non-performing assets are written off, they can be sold and the books wash out and all the stupid people who made the stupid decisions have been fired. It's the American way."

TRADITIONAL MEDIA: Newspapers, which have been going in the toilet for years, will finally hit bottom. "The thing that will ultimately save a portion of the newspaper industry are people who have caged birds in their homes," Vescow said. "There's absolutely nothing that can replace a newspaper for lining the bottom of a bird cage, so bird keepers will have to maintain a supply of papers." Vescow also noted that as long as newspapers are printed with soy-based ink, demand will actually increase from organic farmers needing a good source of mulch. "Print media are probably wise to keep laying off reporters because no one really reads newspapers that much any more."

LITIGATION: The legal industry will thrive on the economic carnage, pretty much the same way vultures and hyenas thrive off death on the African plains. "People will be even more inclined to sue other people, and especially their former employers and big corporations, the worse things get," Vescow said. Vescow has proposed that big national law firms ought to start selling stock in their firms to raise capital to maintain their litigiousness. "Beats the heck out of renting clients. And think about the potential return...a third of a third to the investor shareholders."

CHEAP HD TELEVISIONS: Sometime in February folks are going to realize their existing television sets are obsolete, and will be forced to buy new High Definition tv sets. "The problem is, no one can figure out plasma versus whatever, and all the HD sets are way too expensive. The company that can put a $99 HD tv into Wal Mart is going to be the hottest investment of the year." 

TINY LITTLE CARS: Those living near the US-Mexico border are accustomed to seeing tiny little cars on US roads that were made in Mexico. They beat the heck out of US cars in gas mileage, but cannot be imported because they don't have US safety gear and US pollution control systems. They are death traps in an accident with an SUV. "It will dawn on someone that a car, even without pollution control devices, that gets 40 miles per gallons produces a lot less crud than a car getting 20 miles per gallon, and people are going to want the little buggers," Vescow explained. "US automakers will have to figure out how to produce large numbers of cheap tiny cars inside the US to survive. But they're already doing this in Mexico. Maybe we ought to legalize Mexican workers and Mexican made cars at the same time." The collision issue will resolve itself because with $4 to $5 gasoline coming, no one will be able to afford to drive their hulking gas guzzling SUVs any more.


THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA

BAJA ARIZONA

TUCSON

GREEN VALLEY

TUBAC

NOGALES

KOKOPELLI COUNTY

10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

A SERIOUS GUIDE TO THE BORDER PATROL

read about bordertown


ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS

SAVE THE BUGS

DESERT VIOLATES ENVIRONMENTAL STANDARDS

DUST BUNNIES DECLARED ENDANGERED SPECIES


REAL ADVERTISEMENTS - HELP KEEP US ALIVE ON THE WEB




SITE LISTINGS

SITE LISTING INFO


OBAMA CREATES CRISIS FOR COMEDIANS

With the inauguration of Barak Obama as the new President of the United States, a crisis has emerged among America's comedians and satirical writers.

"Everyone is really rooting for the guy to succeed and get the country out of the mess Bush put us in," said Joe Sam, Statutory Agent and Foreign Correspondent for The Frumious Bandersnatch. "So it is kind of hard to make fun of him."

"Plus, he doesn't have many of the goofy quirks Bush had to rely on for jokes," added Sam.

Others note that since Obama is Black, making him the target of humor is very dangerous. 

"It will be the ultimate sign of true equality in the country if people can make jokes about Obama, and that not be tainted with racist undertones," said Sandy Rhoads, professor of Humor and Politics at the Mark Twain School of Journalism at the General Delivery University.

"The only good thing about the Republicans being in charge was there was plenty of good stuff to snipe at," noted Sam. "Now that they're gone, all of us political humorists have lost a huge source of material."

The evaporation of good material for political humor seems strangely similar to the evaporation of money in the country.

"I don't know what John Stewart and Stephen Colbert are going to do without the Bush people to beat up, and with making fun of Obama seeming to be really inappropriate," added Sam. "It's like there is no humor capital in the market right now to exploit."

"There's always Congress," noted Rhoads, "and its doesn't matter if the joint is run by Democrats, there are so many flakey Congress people and Senators with their own ego maniac agendas that good humor writers should have plenty of ammunition."

And then there's the new Obama Cabinet.

"We don't really know most of these new people," added Rhoads, "but with that many new faces, there's got to be fuel for satire."

Janet Napolitano, former Governor of Arizona and now the new Homeland Security chief, is one of the most promising new humor targets, according to Joe Sam.

"She's already got a doppelganger character on Saturday Night Live, and those of us familiar with her style in Arizona just know she's going to be good for satire and humor," Sam added.

Conservative Republican jokesters are not so dismal about humor prospects for the next 4 years.

"Now that we're on the outside, all we can do is throw rocks at the people in power, instead of being the target of rocks from the liberals,"  said former Bush supporter who is now working on a stand-up comedy routine.

The Frumious Bandersnatch, which has had great fun at the expense of both the Clinton and Bush administrations, is confident the paper's role as an equal opportunity offender will remain intact.

"Just when you think you don't have something to write satire about, someone in government does something incredibly stupid and off you go," said Sam. "It is basic human nature that no one can walk on water for very long before stepping into a hole and cursing the hole."


JOURNALISTS BETTING UNDERWAY HOW LONG OBAMA HONEYMOON WILL LAST

In a long established tradition among journalists, betting pools are emerging on how long Obama's honeymoon with the American public and media will last.

"There's no question there's an enormous amount of hope that Obama will radically change things in the country for the better," said Sandy Rhoads, professor of Humor and Politics at the Mark Twain School of Journalism at the General Delivery University. "The real question is when will people figure out Obama is not the Second Coming of Christ and start dealing with the reality that the country is really screwed up beyond what any one person can fix."

Rhoads admitted to putting a $20 bet that Obama's honeymoon will end on February 22nd.

"So far, no one has put any money on a date more than 6 months out from January 20th," said Rhoads, "indicating very little confidence the American public have much patience for the arrival of salvation."

One of the more interesting aspects of the betting pools is what constitutes the official date and cause of the honeymoon ending.

"We have a consensus in our betting pool that the honeymoon officially ends when the New York Times runs an editorial blasting Obama for something he promised to do but failed to deliver on, or that he reversed course on due to expediency," said Rhoads.

"There's lots of potential there, ranging from changing his mind on how fast US troops can be withdrawn from Iraq, to when Obama will close Guantanamo, to who loses out in the $800 billion economic rescue plan going through Congress," said Rhoads.

Potential events that could mark the end of Obama's honeymoon also include GM filing for bankruptcy, the stock market crashing, a major banks such as Bank of America going belly up sending the country into another panic economically, to home values falling 50%.

"And then there's all those people in the rest of the world who would just like to smack us when we're down," noted Rhoads. "Biden was probably right someone is going to try and screw with us in the next few months to see what the Obama regime is really made out of.

It is not that the journalists betting on when Obama's honeymoon will end want that honeymoon to end.

"We're journalists, "said Rhoads, "and the older folks among our profession are pretty cynical because no matter how high expectations are raised by politicians, in the end they all fail."

"Plus, the American public is trained to expect instant gratification for whatever they want, and that just isn't how the world really works," added Rhoads.

Those familiar with newsrooms around the country were not surprised at the Obama honeymoon betting.

"If people knew what reporters bet on in the newsroom betting pools, they'd be really shocked," noted Rhoads.

"I won $500 on the pool over how long the first heart transplantee lived."


A Bandersnatch Rant:

QUIT DUMPING FORECLOSED HOMES INTO MARKET

The crash in home values due to the subprime mortgage fiasco is largely due to two factors---no one can get a mortgage any more, and there are so many foreclosed homes on the market that home prices have plummeted.

Let's focus on the second problem -- the glut of vacant houses that is driving down home values below existing mortgages, precipitating even more defaults and foreclosures.

The answer is real simple---stop banks from dumping these foreclosed homes on the market at fire sale prices.

Maybe one way for this to happen is if the Feds take over the "troubled assets" of banks with bad mortgages, so these "toxic assets" are off their books, and put these houses into temporary federal ownership.

The Feds then rent out these foreclosed homes, but hang onto ownership until the market recovers and the Feds can at least get back the original mortgage loan amount on the houses.

If someone wants to buy the foreclosed home at the loan amount, cool. Sell it.

But selling off foreclosed homes below their loan values just makes everyone else's home values drop, triggering even more defaults.

This is stupid.


MADOFF OFFERED POSITION AT GDU PONZI SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS

The Ponzi School of Economics at the General Delivery University announced today that Bernard Madoff, who is accused of pulling off the biggest ponzi scheme in history, will be a visiting professor if and when he gets out of prison.

"Madoff can teach our students many useful things, like how to avoid SEC investigations and where to stash billions of dollars," said Robert Vescow, Dean of the Ponzi school.

Madoff was unavalable for comment about his new position, but sources close to him indicated any courses he would teach would be at some as yet to be determined off-shore location.


NEW PROGRAM OFFERED

TURN YOUR PERSONALITY DISORDER INTO AN ASSET

The General Delivery University announced today that it was offering a new program to assist people with personality disorders so they could function better in society.

"A personality disorder is defined by not fitting in with normal people," said Carl Young, head of the GDU Institute for Normal Psychology.

"Maybe there's really nothing wrong with you, except you've chosen to try and fit into the wrong work or social environment," Young said.

"You have the soul of an artist but you believed your parents when they said you had to get a degree in accounting."

Young noted there is a great story on the web about a person who had episodes of catatonia. Obviously a problem, and it wasn't curable. So the person got a job as a live manikin at Neiman Marcus. Now she gets paid for being unable to move.

"Take people with attention deficit disorder," Young added. "Obviously they don't fit well in structured classrooms, or job cubicles. But they make excellent lobbyists and politicians.Constantly on the move, never sticking to anything very long."

People with obsessive compulsive disorder make great bookkeepers, and inventory stockers, according to Young.

People who general anxiety disorder are exactly the folks you want running our nuclear power plants and air traffic control system, he added.

People who worry excessively and are risk averse have a happy place in working for environmental protection agencies, Young noted.

"The thrust of this new program will not be to cure people of their disorders, but to find better jobs for them so they can be crazy and still make a living," Young said.

GDU requires an up-front payment of $5,000 to assist a person with a personality disorder figure out the right career path.

"We don't take credit cards or checks," Young concluded.


CONSIDER THE BANDERSNATCH ECONOMIC RECOVERY PLAN

We have a plan that would rescue everyone!!! FIND OUR MORE HERE


SAVE THOUSAND ON YOUR COLLEGE EDUCATION -- GET YOUR FREE COLLEGE DIPLOMA HERE


“The Squirrelly Advisor” is a parody of “How To” advice columns.

The premise of “The Squirrelly Advisor” is to address topics of concern from a decidedly off-beat perspective.

When confronted with choices in our lives, we hear the voices of our angels and demons advising us, and sometimes we also hear the voice of the squirrel.

Rarely do we actually act upon the advice of our inner squirrel, but sometimes being able to laugh about our problems opens new doors of awareness.

HOW TO DEAL WITH GLOBAL WARMING

Global warming is a constant topic, at least in the background of the news sphere.

Maybe you have had vague and restless urgings to try and do something yourself about the threat of global warming. You’ve thought about selling your SUV and buying a Prius. You’ve even sent money to save polar bears. But nothing is really feasible, or feels like you’ve made a meaningful contribution to avoiding the melting of the polar ice and the resulting flooding out of costal cities displacing hundreds of millions of folks (including possibly yourself if you live less than 50 feet above sea level).

But there are many things you can do that will deal directly with global warming.

The first category of things to do involves speeding up the global warming process so you really will be able to see its effects in your own lifetime.

--Buy any big gas guzzling vehicle: What better time to trade in your cheap and fuel efficient little car for a big truck or SUV. Dealers are practically giving away big trucks now, and the Blue Book on little cars has never been better. Not only will you feel you have as much to do with causing global warming as some big coal burning utility executive, you will feel smart for having made the best car deal in your life.

--Use even more electricity at home: A major source of greenhouse gases comes from coal-fired power plants. The first thing is check with your friendly neighborhood regulated monopoly electric company and find out how much of their generation comes from coal-fired power plants. The more the better as far as your electrical use is concerned.

--Use lots of plastics: It is provable that an ever increasing amount of oil has been diverted to creating plastics which in turn have replaced almost everything that once was made of more benign substances. The oil shortage and growing demand for producing more oil is driven, in part, by the growing demand for plastics. Thus, when you are asked “paper or plastic?” when your stuff is about to be put in a bag…think plastic contributes to global warming and choose plastic.

--Avoid anything “green”: Green is becoming a synonym for sustainable, especially in the building industry. Using non-green stuff maximizes your contribution to the problem.

--Use rain forest sources products: Cutting down the rain forest is a major contributor to the increase in carbon dioxide.  Help turn the Amazon Basin into a desert waste land by using as many products that rely on cutting down Amazonian forests. Hint, anything that claims it doesn’t come by way of tropical forest razing probably does.

--Buy stuff made in China : While this is probably easy to do, especially if you shop at Wal Mart, resist the exhortations to avoid Chinese-made goods. Besides being cheap and wiping out jobs in the United States , China is the largest producer of greenhouse gases now, and will only increase its contribution to global warming so long as Americans buy their stuff.

The second category is to get ready for the consequences of global warming.

--If you live below 50 feet above sea level, move now! Recognize that once sea level rise is accepted universally as inevitable, all real estate blow the projected rise will become worthless. Get out now! Sell your low lying home or land to a Republican.

--Build an Ark : Noah wasn’t stupid. He knew sea level was going to rise way back when. So do you. Maybe a lot of folks back then had warning the world was going to flood, but only Noah listened. Sure, you may look stupid and foolish with an Ark in your yard, and have big problems with the local building and zoning authorities, as well as your neighbors. But when sea level starts to rise…

--Convert to renewable energy at home: Yes, it is seriously expensive and you won’t be able to amortize the cost of a solar photovoltaic system over your remaining lifetime. But, remember, if the government gets serious about shutting down coal-fired power plants, and doesn’t provide tax credits for renewable energy and the environmentalists continue to block nuclear power plant construction, there’s gonna be a heck of an energy shortage coming in a few decades. Your investment now in solar, for example, will insure you actually have electricity in the future. Also, you will have pretty much a flat rate monthly cost (the debt service on the loan you get to buy the sucker) whereas everyone else is going to see their electric bill quadruple in the next decade. Note: the amortization calculations you used today will be obsolete because no one figured electric rates would quintuple.

--Grow you own food: A lot of energy, and thus carbon dioxide, is produced as a result of industrial farming and transporting food thousands of miles, as well as in the packaging. By growing your own food instead of having a lawn, you will not only be able to eat once civilization collapses, you’ll get some serious exercise you probably need. Also, if you avoid herbicides and pesticides and farm organically, you won’t be polluting your body with a lot of toxins that will probably kill you.

If you have a question you want some Squirrelly Advice on, send your question to The Squirrel

For more Squirrelly Advice CLICK HERE


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GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

by Hugh Holub

INTRODUCTION

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

TRUST THE POWER OF NOT NOW

HOW TO CREATE A STATE OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION

WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM'S MEN ARE FROM HOME DEPOT

LITTLE LEAGUE LESSONS OF LIFE

HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR LOVER

HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP FAIL

SCREWING UP YOUR ROMANCE

HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO LIVE ALONE

HOW TO BLEND YOUR PETS

HOW TO FIND YOUR SOUL MATE

TAKE OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

TAKE OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

 

BUSINESS AND FINANCE

 

1000 WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

HOW TO MAKE ARBITRARY AND CAPRICIOUS DECISIONS

HOW TO AVOID WORK

HOW TO BUY A CAR AND MAKE THE DEALER REALLY HAPPY

HOW TO ANNOY YOUR BOSS

HOW TO WASTE TIME EFFECTIVELY

10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

THE EXPONENTIAL IMPROBABILITY OF SUCCESS AND OTHER NEGOTIATION THEORIES

POLITICS

Chicago Rules of Politics

LIFESTYLE

CODE OF THE CITY

HOW TO AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE

HOW TO FIND YOUR LOST CAR

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HOME

ADVERTISEMENT NEW  MENTAL HEALTH SAFETY PLAN OFFERED

ARE WE BEING PUSHED TOO FAR?

GUIDE TO SUMMER CAMPS

How To Live Forever

SUMMER VACATION ADVICE

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR HUMAN

HOW TO SOLVE A PROBLEM

 


MORE GOOD STUFF INCLUDING BACK ISSUES HERE


WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

Hugh A. Holub is the editor and publisher of The Frumious Bandersnatch.

In real life he is a semi-retired attorney whose practice is limited to environmental and sustainable matters.

Holub is also a writer with credentials going back to first being a reporter at the Tucson Citizen in 1967.

Here are some of the more recent articles by Holub that have been published elsewhere:

ASSOCIATED CONTENT

HELIUM

Nogales International -- Creation of a new county may be answer to concerns.

Nogales International -- Drug tunnel museum just might be a good source of revenue for the City of Nogales.

Tucson Weekly -- It's time to consider splitting Arizona into two

Arizona Daily Star -- As Santa Cruz becomes 'navigable,' the river's iconic sand trout at risk.


LITERARY AGENT WANTED


2008 IN REVIEW

SPECIAL REPORT ON THE ECONOMIC MESS

DESIGN YOUR OWN 2012 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HERE

NEW POLITICAL AUCTION SITE LAUNCHED

THE CHICAGO RULES OF POLITICS

SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY

BACK ISSUES

2008 CHRISTMAS EDITION

2008 PRE-ELECTION SPECIAL: McCAIN BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON OBAMA

US ECONOMY CRATERS

OFFSHORE DRILLING PROPOSED OFF REPUBLICAN COASTS

CALENDAR MAKERS PROTEST END OF TIME

INTERSECTIONS PROVEN TO CAUSE TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS

2008 APRIL FOOL EDITION

US TO BUY CUBA

BENEFITS OF RECESSION TOUTED

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING

2007 Christmas Issue

SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY

SELLING ICE TO ESKIMOES

CHINESE TOY CONSPIRACY

SEND ILLEGAL ALIENS TO IRAQ

BAJA ARIZONA NEWS

2007 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS

BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED

ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON

GOP BLAMES DEMOCRATS

FALL TV SHOWS FOUND FLAKEY

BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY

QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT

2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS

US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER

BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES

SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT

EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS

DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - 2005 APRIL FOOLS

BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES


BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

SAVE THE BUGS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER by NANCY VALENTINE

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

 


THE PAST DECADE THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

BILL CLINTON'S DEFINITON OF SEXUAL RELATIONS

TAMPA TO HOST 2010 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEONS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND

BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO


BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

 

CHRISTMAS

 

GROUNDHOG DAY

 

VALENTINE'S DAY

 

BACK TO SCHOOL

 

April Fool's Edition


BANDERSNATCH CONSPIRACIES

BAGEL CONSPIRACY

 

CHRISTMAS TREE CONSPIRACY

 


STAFF, BUSINESS INFO AND POLICIES

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WHAT IS THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH?


The Frumious Bandersnatch
Copyright 2009 by Hugh Holub
THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH is a US federally registered trademark so be very careful

EMAIL US AT EDITOR with your comments & criticisms.