|
 |
READERS IN 162 COUNTRIES "Delightfully vicious" Free and worth twice the price! |
|
|
READERS IN 162 COUNTRIES "Delightfully vicious" Free and worth twice the price! |
March, 2009 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.
|
JOURNAL OF THE DEPRESSION The following is an on-going series about one person's struggle through the economic collapse:
Due to the fact I lost my job and have virtually no income, I've obviously had to cut way back on expenses. I used to buy the local daily newspaper and USA Today every day...total cost $1.75. I now only buy the daily twice a week. I guess a lot of people have done this because the local daily is going out of business on March 21st. 84 people are losing their jobs. I had been working on a project and buying my supplies at the local lumber yard.I ran out of money and had to quit buying supplies. Others did the same. March 10th they closed. 26 jobs gone. I used to buy stuff at Circuit City. I quit doing that last summer. So did thousands of other folks. They're gone. I'd like to replace my 1999 SUV with something safer and which gets a lot better gas mileage. But my credit is wrecked, so no way will I ever buy a new car. The auto industry is sinking. I'm finding I can live pretty well without buying lots of stuff. But the necessity of shutting down being a consumer, along with a lot of others in the same boat, is crashing the economy. If I had a reliable source of income, then I'd have money to spend. But with no income, there's no money to spend, so the economy that depends on people like me spending money is collapsing. Funny how every time the unemployment rate is announced to have gotten worse (companies laying off people to cut their costs) the stock market goes up. Laying off people to reduce cost (which seems to please Wall Street) has just the opposite effect...it reduces the pool of consumers who can afford to spend money keeping the economy going. What we all need is work. REAL ADVERTISEMENTS
SITE LISTINGS
|
CLINT EASTWOOD PROPOSED AS NEW HEAD OF AIG Actor Clint Eastwood has been proposed as the new head of AIG by a group of disgruntled taxpayers. "We need the Man With No Name or Dirty Harry running that company," said a spokesman for the peeved taxpayers. "Someone has to go into that nest of vipers and shoot a few of the
snakes," the taxpayer spokesman added. The call for Eastwood to take over management of AIG came on the heels of Senator Paul Grassley's (R-Iowa) proposal that executives of the company who's bad management sank the company and who also took bonuses, should consider committing suicide the way failed Japanese business execs do. "Suffice it to say, US taxpayers are extremely unhappy with bailing out companies and then finding out that the same idiots who wrecked our economy are getting huge bonuses," said the taxpayer spokesman. "Sometimes life needs to imitate art, so we'd like to see AIG become the movie High Plains Drifter, and see Eastwood go in there and burn the place down," the spokesman added. Wall Street reacted negatively to the suggestion that Eastwood should run AIG, and stock prices fell 327 points. "What des an actor know about running a huge insurance company?" asked one Wall Street analyst. Actually, one could ask what did the current management of AIG know about running a large insurance company, snapped the taxpayer spokesman. "The concept of all these bonuses is to retain valuable employees," said the Wall Street analyst. "Then how come there isn't a punishment system when employees screw up a company?" asked the taxpayer representative. Eastwood, who is a fairly kind and gentle person in real life, was not available for comment on the suggestion he run AIG. However, a source who has followed Eastwood's career noted that Clint actually served as Mayor of Carmel, California, and might be tempted to take the job. "My guess is the day Eastwood walked into the offices of AIG, we'd have a bunch of the vermin in the company fleeing the place and giving up their bonuses to save their lives," said the Eastwood watcher, "and Clint would never even have to point a finger at these guys to make his point." Meanwhile, sources close to the White House are reportedly looking at Eastwood as a potential replacement for Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner. "Wouldn't it make the point we're trying to make to Wall Street that we're really pissed?" said our White House source. "We really need someone running the financial restructuring program who will get these financial types soiling their underwear." More gloom and doom: CHINA, JAPAN, INDIA AND OTHERS TO END UP OWNING AMERICA A friend who has shown great abilities to forecast the future, stopped by the other day. While the news is full of economic gloom and doom, my friend's take on the future was really frightening. "One of these days the stock market is really going to crash," the friend said. "We're talking about the Dow dropping 2,000 points or more in a day." That wasn't the problem, however. "In order for stocks to go lower and lower, there still has to be someone out there buying the stock," friend said. "What if," he added, "the stock prices for US companies get so outrageously low, that China, India, Japan, Saudi Arabia, and others decide to buy up controlling interest in our companies?" "Imagine the majority interest of GE, Boeing, Bank of America, Citibank, and a whole bunch of other companies ending up in foreign control?" The United States as we knew it would be over, friend added. "People don't seem to understand," friend said, "that trillions of dollars from our economy has already been burnt up and we really don't have 10 or 20 trillion more to throw into the rat hole of the financial industry." What prompted friend's forecast was a news story that wealthy Chinese are taking trips to the US to buy houses at steep discounts due to the foreclosure mess. "Everything in the US is for sale at bargain basement prices," friend said, "and there's lots of people and countries out there with wads of cash." The first sign of the impending crash will be a huge spike in oil prices, said friend. "Watch when oil suddenly jumps back to the $100 a barrel range. Our enemies will use our addiction to foreign oil to fund their buying us out," friend noted." The spike in oil prices will drive the nail in our economic coffin." "If you think banks foreclosing on homes was a problem, watch when the world forecloses on America," friend added. "Consider there are worse things than nationalizing a few banks. What are we going to do if the choice of who owns our corporate assets is the Chinese government or our government?" friend concluded. FEDERAL BUDGET PROPOSED US ECONOMY GIANT PONZI SCHEME In the wake of the new proposed federal budget of over $3 trillion with a deficit of $1.75 trillion, economists at the General Delivery University Ponzi School of Economics have concluded the federal government is running the biggest Ponzi Scheme in history."The US economy is simply a giant ponzi scheme," said Robert Vescow, dean of the Ponzi School. "The new budget proves it." An element of the US ponzi economy is robbing Peter to pay Paul. explained the GDU economist. "Take social security. We're using today's tax dollars to pay for benefits for people whose payments into the system were used to give benefits to people in the past. The problem is the people in the future won't generate enough cash flow to keep the benefits flowing. The social security system is just a ponzi scheme," said Vescow. The national debt is another element of the giant ponzi scheme, said Vescow. "We're mortgaging our future and our creditors around the world are now having serious doubts we'll be able to pay back what we've borrowed." The home mortgage fiasco is also sapping the US economy. "The biggest problem is not the foreclosures, it is the shrinking value of homes," said Vescow. "The net worth of the people of the country is shrinking to where they owe more than their assets are worth, especially their homes." The crash in new home construction has triggered a ripple effect in job losses. "First all the real estate agents and construction workers lost their jobs. With that reduction in money circulating in the economy, stores started laying off people, and then manufacturers because no one was buying anything, so what's the point of making anything?" Vescow asked. The ultimate crash came when people woke up one morning and realized there is not really any money in the economy. "Money is actually mostly a belief system. If everyone suddenly decides money isn't worth anything, then everything just stops," Vescow said. "The really scary thing is most of what we think of as money is not currency and coins, it is electronic data. If suddenly the electronic data vanished, we'd have to return to a cash economy, and who has any cash really?" "Belief is reality," said Vescow. "If you don't believe in the monetary system, then poof, it is gone." "Confidence is everything in maintaining the fiction of an economy, and if people don't have any confidence, what do you have?" The credit crunch or liquidity crisis as it is being called is the ominous sign the collapse of the US economy is imminent, according to Vescow. "The whole country runs on credit. Whether it is the government borrowing money to pay for universal health care, or the homeowner using her Visa card to buy clothes, we have long departed from a cash and carry economy," Vescow said. "Eliminate the ability to borrow, then we have a serious reality adjustment to make which is we can only afford to buy what we have the actual cash to pay out for whatever." "And no one has any cash since their income is pledged to pay off their mortgages, car loans, and credit cards." "Add to that a loss of income because of the constriction in the employment sector, and the collapse cannot be stopped." Vescow urged Americans to accumulate as much cash currency as they can for the coming crash. "The day is looming when all the plastic is going to be worthless, and the only way you will be able to buy anything is with cold hard cash," Vescow said. "What that cash will be worth remains to be seen," he added. "Outside the United States our currency is going to look like Confederate money. But inside the country a dollar bill still might be able to get you something if anyone will exchange the bill for something else like groceries." "The new budget assumes the economy is somehow going to recover and all the proposed debt will get repaid," Vescow said. "The problem is exactly the same as with the conventional Ponzi Scheme. If new money doesn't come in, the whole house of cards collapses." "If the economy doesn't improve, and new taxes are not generated, this is going to get really ugly," Vescow concluded. BANKERS DON'T UNDERSTAND IT IS OUR MONEY Many people are wondering how come the bankers don’t get it that when the US taxpayer fronts money to a bank, we get really peeved when the bankers give out billions of dollars in bonuses. Obviously they are so self-absorbed they have no concept of the fact its money from hard working folks who will never fly in a corporate jet, or get to spend the weekend in Las Vegas having a big party. We need to kick their sorry butts. There’s another aspect of this that the whole corporate world, bankers, auto makers, et al do not understand about government money. Government works on the concept of "red dollars" and "green dollars". What that means is government money is not one giant pot from which this or that is paid. People have used the term the money is "fungible" sort of like not being able to tell one grain of wheat from another in a sack. That’s how the private sector views a sack full of money. This isthe origin on Ponzi schemes. Essentially, all private businesses are Ponzi schemes. But, when you’re dealing with government money, there are differences in the dollars. Take for example a grant from the federal government to a city to build a wastewater treatment plant. The feds give the city $60 million to build the treatment plant. The city absolutely has to keep track of every penny of the federal grant and prove to the feds that every penny went into the treatment plant project, and not one penny went to buy police cars or mow the grass in a city park. Thus governments keep separate books and accounts for their different kinds of money. Red dollars are sequestered from green dollars, with the red dollars (federal rant money) only going to the red dollar project, and the green dollars (local sales tax income) going for the purposes those dollars are assigned to (buying the police car). That’s horse manure. Let’s say the bank only had $40 billion to start with, and could not make new loans AND pay bonuses. So add $20 billion. Did the bank make new loans? Nope. It gave the bonuses and it was OUR $20 billion that made that possible. The mistake on the part of the government was its failure to demand that the $20 billion become "red dollars" and was only spent on making new loans, with audits proving that’s where the money went. Because the bankers gave our money away, the government needs to get it back. And in the future, us taxpayers either end up owning these banks and other outfits, so we can fire the weasels that ran everything into the ground, or at minimum the money is put in a separate trust account, and some government official will have to approve withdrawals from that accoun, which is exactly the way many federal grants work. Why treat bankers any differently than others who receive federal grants and loans? Lets make the bankers understand those red dollars are ours. SAVE THOUSAND ON YOUR COLLEGE EDUCATION -- GET YOUR FREE COLLEGE DIPLOMA HERE |
HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME With the recession hitting hard, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you used to make. How does one suffer the loss of 90% of their income and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function. Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff. For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait ten years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price a decade years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new.Who needs to be that current, anyway? A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1999 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today. A first run movie costs $10.00, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn. New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Shop at thirft stores. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed? The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get. Instead of living in the year 2009, try living in 1999. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years. The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable. Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay. The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff. Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1999 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office. As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even. The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends. Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. Hey, who can afford health insurance, anyway? We're all going to die, anyway. Why prolong the process and bankrupt your children. Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts. “The Squirrelly Advisor” is a parody of “How To” advice columns. The premise of “The Squirrelly Advisor” is to address topics of concern from a decidedly off-beat perspective. When confronted with choices in our lives, we hear the voices of our angels and demons advising us, and sometimes we also hear the voice of the squirrel. Rarely do we actually act upon the advice of our inner squirrel, but sometimes being able to laugh about our problems opens new doors of awareness.
If you have a question you want some Squirrelly Advice on, send your question to The Squirrel
For more Squirrelly Advice CLICK HERE HOW TO AVOID BEING LAID OFF
HOW TO VICTIMIZE YOURSELF
TURN YOUR PERSONALITY
DISORDER INTO AN ASSET
BUY OUR BOOKS AT AMAZON.COM!!!
A parody self-help book that will teach you how to avoid being killed by
the cops, how to live on 1/10th your income, how to wreck your life, and much more. Only $15.95 at
Amazon.com. The very best stories from The Frumious Bandersnatch since its first edition to now, only
$15.95 at Amazon.com The one and only GDU Catalog. Get your entire college experience without
having to go to class for only $10.95 at Amazon.com GET
IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT by Hugh Holub PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIPS HOW
TO CREATE A STATE OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION WOMEN
ARE FROM NORDSTROM'S MEN ARE FROM HOME DEPOT HOW
TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP FAIL TAKE
OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST TAKE
OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST BUSINESS
AND FINANCE HOW
TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME HOW
TO MAKE ARBITRARY AND CAPRICIOUS DECISIONS HOW
TO BUY A CAR AND MAKE THE DEALER REALLY HAPPY THE
EXPONENTIAL IMPROBABILITY OF SUCCESS AND OTHER NEGOTIATION THEORIES POLITICS LIFESTYLE HOW
TO AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE ADVERTISEMENT |
DONATIONS WANTED TO HELP KEEP THE BANDERSNATCH Last year we made $32 in advertising, and need some help
paying the bills to keep the Bandersnatch going.
If you like this site, could you consider giving us a donation of $1?
Any amount would be wonderful!!!
This is a secure PayPal transaction.
Thanks!!!!
RECENT BACK ISSUES BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS DISCOVERED IN IRAQ
OBAMA CREATES CRISIS FOR COMEDIANS
2008
PRE-ELECTION SPECIAL: McCAIN BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON OBAMA
DESIGN YOUR OWN 2012 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HERE NEW POLITICAL AUCTION SITE LAUNCHED SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY THE NEWS FROM BAJA ARIZONA A SERIOUS GUIDE TO THE BORDER PATROL
ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS DESERT VIOLATES ENVIRONMENTAL STANDARDS DUST BUNNIES DECLARED ENDANGERED SPECIES BACK ISSUES
OFFSHORE DRILLING PROPOSED
OFF REPUBLICAN COASTS
CALENDAR MAKERS PROTEST END
OF TIME
INTERSECTIONS PROVEN TO
CAUSE TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY
PANDERING
SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE
ON eBAY
GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON
TERRORISTS
BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS
PROPOSED
ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE
COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON
BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ
POLICY
US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS
ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER
BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO
ELECTRONIC SPIES
SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S
PSYCHOSIS
FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES
ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT
EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD
NEW ORLEANS
PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR
EARTHQUAKES
LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM
PROPOSED
SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING
YOUNGER
BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS
BAD COW
PUBLIC RELATIONS
NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO
DISCOVERED
TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC
STATUS
INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW
INCOME HOUSING
FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW
LANDFILL SITES
FEMININE SIDE OF WATER by NANCY VALENTINE
CONGRESS INDICTED FOR
SECURITIES FRAUD
THE PAST DECADE THROUGH
BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)
ALIENS
INVADE ARIZONA
BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED
FOR DI'S DEMISE
FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL
FOUND
MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO
SAVE MIR
BILL CLINTON'S DEFINITON OF SEXUAL RELATIONS
TAMPA TO HOST 2010 WINTER
OLYMPICS
BANDERSNATCH GUIDES BANDERSNATCH
HOLIDAYS
BANDERSNATCH CONSPIRACIES STAFF, BUSINESS INFO AND POLICIES WHAT IS THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH? WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE FRUMIOUS BANDERSNATCH? |
|
