The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper

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May, 2009 . . . Published Sort of Monthly
The Frumuous Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper founded in 1965...On-line in 1997...One of America's oldest satirical newspapers.


JOURNAL OF THE DEPRESSION

The following is an on-going series about one person's struggle through the economic collapse:

Things have actually improved. I've gotten a temporary part time job, so I have a little money.

The credit card companies are relentless in their efforts to collect payments, creating lots of jobs for people in India making these harassing calls.

They don't seem to get it that if there is not enough income, then there is not enough money to pay all the bills. And, what comes first is the house payment and my car payment and my health insurance payment, and my eletric and water bills, and some food. At the moment I am avoiding losing the house and car.

Amazing how rapidly the distinction is made what is important and what is not. The other day I couldn't afford to buy toothpaste and cigarettes. I finally quit smoking.Not a bad thing, and at $7.50 a day, this is serious money now.

The hunt for a real job remains bleak. No real jops are out there. But one hopes there's at least a minimum wage job somewhere. Read "Nicked and Dimed" to get ready for a major change of life if you were above minimum wage and actually worked for people with a beating heart.


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NEW FORMS OF TORTURE ALLOWED

In an effort to allow for some "enhanced" interrogation without violating the Geneva Convention limitations on torture, the Obama Administration Justice Department issued a new set of guidelines recently.

Suspected terrorists can be subjected to the following tactics to induce their cooperation:

Subjects may be forced to watch American Idol and Dancing With The Stars for hours and hours.

Subjects may be fed a diet for a minimum of 30 days exclusively derived from McDonalds.

Subjects will also be required to see the movie "Supersize Me"every morning.

Subjects will be driven around fo one hour each day in taxi cabs driven by Nigerians.

Subjects may be brought before Congressional Committees to be interrogated.


BOUNDARY BETWEEN SATIRE AND REALITY VANISHES

On April 27the the Bandersnatch ran a story about pigs protesting the swine flu. By May 1st that had actually happened, and now the flu has been officially renamed NIH1 to avoid offending the pork industry. SO if you want to read the news BEFORE it happens, keep checking us out....

PIGS PROTEST FLU NAME

Washington: (April 27, 2009) The American Pig Association filed a formal protest with the Center for Disease Control over the name of the new strain of flu that erupted in Mexico that is being called the Swine Flu./p>

"It demeans the porcine pride to have a pandemic named after us," said Porky, the pig spokesman.

The Pig group uggested the flu be called the Mexican Bird Flu since the virus also has avian DNA and the first cases were reported in Mexico.

The Mexican government had no problem with calling the disease a bird flu, but objected to tagging it with Mexico.

"We'd rather it be given a less offensive name like Avian 3 or Bird 12," said a spokesman for the Mexican Institute of Health. "After the Hong Kong flu epidemic, we think it is bad for tourism to name diseases after cities or countries."

US health officials, nevertheless, issued a travel advisory urging people to avoid traveling to Mexico because of the flu epidemic.

"However, you are more likely to get caught in the crossfire of a drug cartel shootout in Mexico than catch the flu," said an official with the State Department.

The European Union issued its own health advisory, urging Europeans to avoid traveling to the United States, even though the only US cases so far were traced to people who recently visited Mexico.

"We never avoid an opportunity to stick it to the United States," said a spokesperson for the EU.

Meanwhile panic spread throughout the world as governments freaked out and the public contemplated sudden death from a source over which they have no control.


GM TO CHANGE NAME TO GOVERNMENT MOTORS

General Motors announced today that if the US government accepts their proposal to stick the US taxpayers with a majority ownership interest in the faltering car company, they would change the name to Government Motors.

"We could still keep our GM logo," said an official with GM.

The concept of turning control of the auto maker over to Washington started when President Obama fired the president of GM a few weeks ago.

"We got to thinking, if the feds can fire our boss, then maybe we ought to turn the company over to Obama and let him take the blame when the company bites the bullet and fails," said the GM executive as he sent out his resume to other employers.

US government officials had a mixed response to the GM proposal. Pentagon officials immediately wanted to take the Hummer brand over so they could make the jeeps to their specifications.

Several Indian tribes offered to take the Pontiac brand of GM cars in exchange for ownership of the Pontiac assembly plant. "We think an Indian made car would really be a hot item," said a spokesman for the consortium of Tribes proposing the deal.

Republicans were generally apoplectic over the proposal, it being the worst nightmare they could imagine. "The last thing we want is for the federal government to own any banks or a car maker," said Ron Freebush, a GOP senator from Baja Arizona.

GM officials were confident that the federal ownership scheme would ultimately be rejected, allowing the company to file for bankruptcy, screw its unions and bond holders,  and emerge as a much smaller and meaner company.

However, some began projecting what kind of cars Government Motors would make in the future.

One vision was a lot of small, energy efficient cars that would end US dependence on foreign oil.

"That is a fantasy," said Freebush, "what the government will end up making will look a lot like those Soviet era cars the Russians made...big, ugly, inefficient...just like the federal government itself."

Obama administration officials were reportedly seriously considering taking over GM and running the company themselves.

"What if this really worked and we not only made really cool cars, but also made so much money we could eliminate the federal income tax on people making less than $250,000 a year?" said one Obamite.

Given that many companies receiving bailout money could end up in federal control, the prospect of a socialized economy loomed every more likely, according to some.

"The problem is Obama has some of the best an brightest people in the country working for the government, and they don't have a lot of experience with being frustrated, so they could actually succeed in taking over the companies, turning them around, and making the taxpayers some seriuous money," said Rusty Crow, a commentator for the Public Interest Group.

"The entrenched bureaucracy will destroy any initiave the Obama people attempt," snorted Freebush.

"Just wait. They will come up with a car that gets 50 miles to the gallon only if it goes backward."


TREASURY HIRES SOMALI PIRATES

Washington: In an effort to kill two birds with one stone, the US government has launched an experiment to relocate Somali pirates to the east coast of the United States. The purposes of the pirate relocation are to reduce the pirate attacks on ships off the African coast, and to get back money paid for US corporations to their executives.

"There's the concept of setting a thief to catch a thief," said a spokesman for the US Treasury Department, which hired several Somali pirate crews and moved them to Long Island.

"We've made a deal with the pirates to let them keep 50% of any ransoms they get from corporate officials whose yachts they hijack," said the Treasury official. "We get the other 50%."

"We've also given them a list of target boats to look for owned by executives who we think got obscene bonuses," the official added.

The Treasury Department Pirate  Asset Recovery Team, as it is now being called, will seek corporate official boats based in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts. "We will expand the program to other port areas where their are a lot of executive boats like Houston if the program works," said the Treasury official.

Also under consideration is allowing the Somali pirates to hijack corporate jets. Details are still being worked out between Treasury and the Department of Homeland Security which would have to eliminate security requirements at private airports on Long Island and other locations with high concentrations of corporate planes.


HOW TO AVOID BEING LAID OFF

With the economy shrinking faster than George Bush’s legacy, many workers fear they’re going to be laid off and end up homeless wandering among strangers.

This is a legitimate fear given recent news that tens of thousands of workers are being riffed by major companies.

And we all know who will be the first to get pink slips. The older workers so companies can escape funding pensions. Women. Minorities. Plus, anyone who has a boss that wants to get even for some slight.

That’s a whole lot of us on the chopping block. And we can’t get younger, change our sex (no health insurance plan covers this one), or get whiter. And whatever we did to plant the seed of revenge in the boss has been festering for way too long to do anything about it now.

The first tactic that seems to work for some is to become invaluable to the company.

A friend of ours got laid off a while back…an older guy. The corporate wizards had the bright idea that if they got rid of all the old folks in the company who cost them a lot of money, they could fatten the bottom line by hiring a lot of young folks. Problem was the young people didn’t know anything about the technology of the company and when management realized the older people actually were adding value to the company, they hired some of them back.

So make sure you are the only one with the computer codes, and other proprietary information of your employer so if they lay you off, all their screens go dark and their financial records vanish.

Another friend dodged a layoff because the store she worked in had a lot of customers who only spoke Spanish, and my friend is a very fast language learner. She actually doesn’t speak that much Spanish, but the customers would talk to her and the bosses only saw that she was ringing up sales. So what if the customers thought they were buying a shirt instead of a rope.

The second tactic is to have no expectations about being hired back at the same pay and benefits. My older friend got offered his job function back, but only as an independent contractor so the company didn’t have to fund his pension or health care benefits. Better to have some income than none, he figured.

But don’t give the bosses the codes or access to the proprietary information unless they write you a really big check.

A third tactic is always look really busy. See our prior advice on Avoiding Work. There’s nothing worse than a boss catching you with your feet up on the desk doing absolutely nothing, even if there is absolutely nothing to actually do. The New York Times Sunday January 24, 2009 had a great article about looking busy in order to survive being fired.

The fourth tactic is lawyer up. Age or racial or sexual discrimination is still illegal in this country and if someone has to get the ax, let them be the ones who can still be legally discriminated against…the white guys. Always have plenty of cards for the law firm that sues employers for discrimination in your pocket, and post them on the company bulletin board. Retaliation is also illegal.

A good tactic is splitting jobs….better to have half a job than no job. This creates some really interesting dynamics in a work place. Who would you split your job with and why?

Next, consider going into business for yourself. If the store is going to close, there’s a good chance there’s a great deal for the lease of the space, and a chance to buy the inventory for a song. Actually, you might get to rent the store space cheaper than your home. Ditch your home and live in the store.

Finally, if there is no way to avoid being bounced, remember that for every door that closes another one opens. The sad reality in America today is what we used to do for a living has become obsolete or worthless in the current economic environment. That doesn’t mean you have to become extinct. It means you’ve got to evolve. Change. Adapt. Retrain.

There are jobs that are less prone to being eliminated because the functions are necessary. Exactly what those are we’re not sure of at the moment, so that will be a topic of another piece of Squirrelly Advice.


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HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

With the recession hitting hard, how does a person live? The answer is simple....you can live on 1/10th the money you used to make.

How does one suffer the loss of 90% of their income and still survive? You must learn the "time value of money" function.

Money, as well all know, buys stuff. The problem is that stuff is expensive, especially new stuff.

For example, a book on the New York Times best seller list will cost around $25. But if you wait ten years for the book to turn up in a used book store, it will cost you $2.50. Exactly 1/10th the original price a decade years later. You pay an extra $22.50 to read the book while it is new.Who needs to be that current, anyway?

A new car loses thousands of dollars in value the minute you drive it off the lot. If you buy a 1999 car today, it will cost 1/10th of the cost of the new car today.

A first run movie costs $10.00, plus the popcorn...for 4 people this is a total of $40. Wait until the movie is for rent at the local video store, and the movie can be seen for $4. Make your own popcorn.

New clothes cost 10 times as much as used clothes. Shop at thirft stores. Who knows the difference after the first time they're washed?

The lesson is obvious...you don't pay for the stuff so much as you pay to have it right now when it is new. The longer you wait, the cheaper things get.

Instead of living in the year 2009, try living in 1999. You'll be amazed at how much you can save by waiting ten years.

The farther back in time you live, the more you will save, up to the point where old stuff becomes historic or collectable.

Just think if you'd saved all the original stuff you once owned. You could be living off selling the stuff today on eBay.

The problem is we are always constantly getting rid of our old stuff to buy new stuff. And paying a premium price for the newness of the stuff.

Does it really matter if you are just now reading 1999 copies of Newsweek? You can do this for free in any doctor's office.

As long as there are people willing to spend a lot of extra money to buy new stuff, there will always be a lot of older stuff around for sale at great discounts. You can furnish your home from yard sales. You can buy really cheap appliances and tools at yard sales. Televisions, even.

The major element of the cost of living is housing. You pay a premium for a house on a foundation. In you don't mind your home being mobile (especially in a tornado) you can get a basic place to live for under $45,000. If you get a really old mobile home (aka "trailer") you could cut that cost down to $4,500. And you might even get to live next to some of Bill Clinton's ex-girl friends.

Medical care is also an expensive part of the cost of living. Hey, who can afford health insurance, anyway? We're all going to die, anyway. Why prolong the process and bankrupt your children.

Remember, it isn't the cost, but the value that counts.


“The Squirrelly Advisor” is a parody of “How To” advice columns.

The premise of “The Squirrelly Advisor” is to address topics of concern from a decidedly off-beat perspective.

When confronted with choices in our lives, we hear the voices of our angels and demons advising us, and sometimes we also hear the voice of the squirrel.

Rarely do we actually act upon the advice of our inner squirrel, but sometimes being able to laugh about our problems opens new doors of awareness.

If you have a question you want some Squirrelly Advice on, send your question to The Squirrel

For more Squirrelly Advice CLICK HERE


HOW TO AVOID BEING LAID OFF

HOW TO VICTIMIZE YOURSELF

TURN YOUR PERSONALITY DISORDER INTO AN ASSET


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GET IN TOUCH WITH YOUR INNER RODENT

by Hugh Holub

INTRODUCTION

PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS

TRUST THE POWER OF NOT NOW

HOW TO CREATE A STATE OF CLINICAL DEPRESSION

WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM'S MEN ARE FROM HOME DEPOT

LITTLE LEAGUE LESSONS OF LIFE

HOW TO SLEEP WITH YOUR LOVER

HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP FAIL

SCREWING UP YOUR ROMANCE

HOW TO END A RELATIONSHIP

HOW TO LIVE ALONE

HOW TO BLEND YOUR PETS

HOW TO FIND YOUR SOUL MATE

TAKE OUR PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

TAKE OUR SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP INCOMPATIBILITY TEST

 

BUSINESS AND FINANCE

 

1000 WAYS TO WASTE YOUR MONEY

HOW TO LIVE ON 1/10TH YOUR INCOME

HOW TO MAKE ARBITRARY AND CAPRICIOUS DECISIONS

HOW TO AVOID WORK

HOW TO BUY A CAR AND MAKE THE DEALER REALLY HAPPY

HOW TO ANNOY YOUR BOSS

HOW TO WASTE TIME EFFECTIVELY

10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

THE EXPONENTIAL IMPROBABILITY OF SUCCESS AND OTHER NEGOTIATION THEORIES

POLITICS

Chicago Rules of Politics

LIFESTYLE

CODE OF THE CITY

HOW TO AVOID BEING KILLED BY THE POLICE

HOW TO FIND YOUR LOST CAR

HOW TO PROTECT YOUR HOME

ADVERTISEMENT NEW  MENTAL HEALTH SAFETY PLAN OFFERED

ARE WE BEING PUSHED TOO FAR?

GUIDE TO SUMMER CAMPS

How To Live Forever

SUMMER VACATION ADVICE

HOW TO TRAIN YOUR HUMAN

HOW TO SOLVE A PROBLEM

 


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RECENT BACK ISSUES

2009 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

CLINT EASTWOOD TO RUN AIG

BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS DISCOVERED IN IRAQ

OBAMA CREATES CRISIS FOR COMEDIANS

2008 CHRISTMAS EDITION

2008 PRE-ELECTION SPECIAL: McCAIN BLAMES SHORTER DAYS ON OBAMA

US ECONOMY CRATERS

2008 IN REVIEW

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10 WATER LAWS OF THE WEST

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ENVIRONMENTAL NEWS

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DESERT VIOLATES ENVIRONMENTAL STANDARDS

DUST BUNNIES DECLARED ENDANGERED SPECIES


LITERARY AGENT WANTED


BACK ISSUES

OFFSHORE DRILLING PROPOSED OFF REPUBLICAN COASTS

CALENDAR MAKERS PROTEST END OF TIME

INTERSECTIONS PROVEN TO CAUSE TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS

2008 APRIL FOOL EDITION

US TO BUY CUBA

BENEFITS OF RECESSION TOUTED

PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY PANDERING

2007 Christmas Issue

SENATOR OFFERS VOTES FOR SALE ON eBAY

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CHINESE TOY CONSPIRACY

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BAJA ARIZONA NEWS

2007 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS

BOMBING IRAQ WITH DOLLARS PROPOSED

ALCATRAZ REOPENED AS A WHITE COLLAR CRIMINAL PRISON

GOP BLAMES DEMOCRATS

FALL TV SHOWS FOUND FLAKEY

BUSH VOCABULARY LIMITS IRAQ POLICY

QUIT SMOKING AND ENJOY IT

2006 APRIL FOOL'S EDITION

HUMANS EVOLVED FROM RODENTS

US-MEXICO BORDER SAME AS ISRAEL-PALESTINE BORDER

BANDERSNATCH RESPONDS TO ELECTRONIC SPIES

SANTA BLAMED FOR SOCIETY'S PSYCHOSIS

FROSTY THE SNOWMAN ENDORSES ALITO FOR SUPREME COURT

EXTREME MAKEOVER TO REBUILD NEW ORLEANS

DEER SEEN AS TERRORIST THREAT

PLANETARY ROTATION BLAMED FOR EARTHQUAKES

LAWYER BUYOUT PROGRAM PROPOSED

SAVE SOCIAL SECURITY BY DYING YOUNGER

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE - 2005 APRIL FOOLS

BIRDS IMITATE CELL PHONES


BANDERSNATCH CLASSICS

BAD COW PUBLIC RELATIONS

A MODERN NOAH'S ARK

SAVE THE BUGS

NEW RULES OF WAR PROPOSED

NEW WONDER DRUG PLACEBO DISCOVERED

TRAILER PARK SEEKS HISTORIC STATUS

INDIAN RUINS PROPOSED AS LOW INCOME HOUSING

WOLVES IN CENTRAL PARK

FREEWAY MEDIANS NEW LANDFILL SITES

FEMININE SIDE OF WATER by NANCY VALENTINE

IRS REFORMS SORT OF

CONGRESS INDICTED FOR SECURITIES FRAUD

THE INTERNET WITCH

 


THE PAST DECADE THROUGH BANDERSNATCH EYES (1997-2004)

ALIENS INVADE ARIZONA

ROCK N ROLL NURSING HOME

PLAN TO BEAUTIFY HOMELESS

BAD TUNNEL DESIGN BLAMED FOR DI'S DEMISE

CIG SETTLEMENT SUCKS

FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL FOUND

ALIENS INVADE MARS

MAYTAG REPAIRMAN OFFERS TO SAVE MIR

BILL CLINTON'S DEFINITON OF SEXUAL RELATIONS

TAMPA TO HOST 2010 WINTER OLYMPICS

NY HOMELESS REFUSE TO EAT PIGEONS

BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND

BANDERSNATCH GUIDES

GLOBAL WARMING

SANTA CRUZ SAND TROUT

EVAPORATIVE COOLERS

SAN DIEGO


BANDERSNATCH HOLIDAYS

CHRISTMAS

GROUNDHOG DAY

VALENTINE'S DAY

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Copyright 2009 by Hugh A. Holub
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