Aztec Heart Transplant Institute

This program is only offered in Mexico City.

Medical students will learn how to remove a beating human heart with ancient tools such as obsidian knives.

AZTEC 101: Selecting a Virgin: Obtaining donors for human heart removal has become exceedingly difficult. The Aztecs required the sacrifice of virgins. How to determine if the candidate is a virgin. (Pass - Fail Class)

AZTEC 102: Other Donor Sources: The Aztecs also sacrificed captured enemy warriors. As this would violate the Geneva Treaty, how to pass laws making most every petty offense a capital crime. Executed criminals may be the greatest new source of donor organs. Guest lecture by Larry Niven.

AZTEC 103: Appropriate Dress: Aztecs dressed in wonderful costumes with huge headdresses with lots of feathers. This is a serious contrast to modern medical practititioners who wear green gowns. Spice up the surgical ward by dressing like an Aztec God.


MEXICO CITY: The Aztec Heart Transplant Institute of the General Delivery University has announced a new heart transplant program aimed at people with broken hearts.

"We realized there was an enormous market for replacing hearts broken by failed romances," said Cuahtemoc Montezuma, director of the Aztec Institute.

"The pain of a broken heart is sometimes just too much to bear," said the Joe Sam, Statutory Agent and Foreign Correspondant for The Frumious Bandersnatch, who volunteered to be the first broken heart transplant patient.

Doctors at the National Institute of Health cautioned that replacing broken hearts was a drastic and unproven surgical procedure. "There are a lot less invasive methods, such as psychotherapy and anti-depressant medications," said Dr. George Barry with the NIH. "And then there's the more traditional treatment such as vast quantities of booze."

The Aztec Institute offers a number of transplant options for the broken hearted. "We can replace the broken heart with that of someone who never had any history of heart break, or with a heart from someone who had no emotions...such as a dead lawyer," Montezuma said. "We can also insert an artificial heart which will guarantee the recipient will never have another broken heart, unless they fall in love with their computer."