By AnneX, Bandersnatch Conspiracy Reporter

They began infiltrating slowly, with the first couple stores in the foothills, where the affluent and wanna-be noteworthies live in Tucson. They were already well-established in small suburban towns like Redmond, Washington. They silently slip into shopping centers, selling their 31 varieties of bagels and matching cream cheeses. The restaurants are clean, comfortable, open early and late enough for those true bagel freaks who need their fix later in the day. It's all the beginning stages of the newest undercover conspiracy in America-- The Bagel Conspiracy.

The modern roots of the conspiracy trace back to the recent tensions involving the Baptists and the Jews. A number of Baptists around the country sought out to convert Jews to believe that Jesus is actually the messiah in contradiction with the Jewish belief that the messiah is yet to come. The Jews for Jesus, a "religion" which attempts to encompass both Christianity and Judaism at the same time, have gained media attention in the Jewish community regarding the claim by Jewish leaders that to be Jewish is to deny Jesus as the messiah, therefore making "Jews for Jesus" an impossibility.

Baptist leaders, seeing this gigantic loophole in their efforts to undermine the Jewish religion and take over the world, began sending out scouts to investigate the lives of many Jewish families in America, in the hopes of launching a covert operation to subconsciously convert Jews to accept Jesus as their savior. They were looking for a simple way to slowly brainwash the Jews into accepting Jesus, a method which would be public enough to reach millions at a time, but subversive enough to operate in communities without being discovered. The method that months of research said would be the most effective was food. The food of choice: Bagels. Millions of bagels are consumed daily by people of all religions, but mainly by Jews.

Several of the leading business people in the Baptist community were chosen to form their own bagel franchise, and the businesses grew and spread coast to coast. Shops began popping up in every town across the country with bagels more luxurious than the store-bought ones could ever aspire to. The bagel shop is now becoming the hottest trend in fast-food; they're healthy, quick, tasty, and they pull you, the unsuspecting Jewish consumer, into their restaurant where they can start infiltrating your mind.

The menus in a bagel shop typically contain sandwiches in different varieties. The sandwiches range from turkey with cheese, Thai chicken, veggie, and tuna. A select few of their entrees are actually kosher. But one would not expect to see unkosher meals in a bagel shop, so this detail often goes unnoticed by the millions of people who order their lunch from a bagel shop each day. This subversion is further masked by the addition of lox to the menu and to the flavors of cream cheese. Few people enjoy lox, and they're mostly the ones who grew up on the stuff: Jews.

The most blatant attempt at subconsciously brainwashing the minds of unsuspecting Jews came in the form of a sign on the window of a local bagel shop. The sign was inconspicuous, yet in plain view of every patron who enters the store. The sign simply read this: "Bagels Made Fresh Today by Jesus."

The bagels have been touched by Christ himself, brought to the mouths of American Jewish consumers, probably filled with some sort of mind-altering proverb that replaces the belief that Jesus is obsolete to the belief that Jesus is the king. The final stage of subversion has set in, and the majority of American consumers are too far along in the process to notice. Let this be a warning: to protect your values and traditions, passed down form generation to generation, you must give up one small tradition: bagels. The fat-free donut that's best boiled not fried has been turned against you, the unsuspecting American Jew.

Then again, the proliferation of bagel shops could be the work of a secret Jewish society that is seducing Christians into being Jews by getting them to like Jewish food.

Coptright 1998 Annie Holub