Share this page
with your Friends on Facebook
Share

And share with Stumbleupon.com

Go to current editionCURRENT EDITION

December 23 to 31st, 1996 Vol 1. No. 1

happy new year

This prime piece of real estate in Arizona will be offered to the highest bidder for corporate sponsorship by the Republican Majority of the US Congress in 1997.


FREE TRADE AGREEMENT ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATED

WOLVES TO RUN FREE IN ARIZONA

After being extirpated from the state of Arizona, the Mexican Gray Wolf is being reintroduced into the eastern mountains of the state. On nearby Mount Graham is the habitat of the Red Squirrel, another endangered species. The University of Arizona is attempting to complete a telescope project on Mount Graham, which is vigorously opposed by environmentalists who fear the scope construction will kill the squirrels. However, since wolves are known to migrate from their initial habitat, the bandersnatch predicts that the scopes will save the squirrels from the wolves.

advertisementadvertisement
SENSORY DEPRIVATION FOUNDATION seeks volunteers to explore expanding your awareness of your temporal space. $1,995 per person. GENERAL DELIVERY UNIVERSITY will issue its Spring Catalog of Course Materials in a few weeks. Applications for diplomas will be accepted at that time.

SABINO GLACIER NATIONAL PARK PROPOSED

The Sabino Canyon Glacier has been proposed as a National Park. "The southernmost remnant of the Pleistocene ice sheet would make an excellent national park because it is so small, there would be no operating budget to maintain it," explained Joe Sam . The new national park would be approximately 50 feet by 50 feet.

The location of the Sabino Glacier would still be kept secret out of fear that someone will chop it up to cool their beer.

This beautiful southwestern holiday scene is brought to you by the folks who put a shopping mall on this site.

THE 1997 BAH HUMBUG AWARD GOES TO    

Wells Fargo Bank which eliminated First Interstate's check guarantee card, so their customers could not use checks to buy Christmas presents, and then who fired a bunch of their full-time tellers right before Christmas.

   New Year'sPredictions
*The Arabs and Jews on the West Bank will learn to get along together (like the good Christians of Belfast).*Someone will make a prediction with a remote possibility of happening.
A new gene will be discovered that is the cause of political ambition. Genetic research is instantly outlawed.*Life will be discovered on Jupiter. How the magazine got to Jupiter will remain a mystery.
*Donald Trump will renounce his wealth and donate millions to the homeless.*Newt Gingrich will be convicted of violating House Ethical Rules. The Office of Special Prosecutor will be abolished.
*The State Legislature will approve the creation of Baja Arizona.*Snowbirds will learn how to drive.
*Phoenix will stop growing.* The Suns will be NBA champions.
*It won't reach 100 degrees next summer in Tucson.*Hell will freeze over first.

AND NOW A WORD FROM TILLY

weather forecast:

For the last several hundred years it has been cool and dry in Baja Arizona during the months of January and February, with occasional periods of rain. This is not likely to change in early 1997.

want more information about baja arizona?

Coming soon: Proof that Bill Gates is Satan,

The Lost Episode of Star Trek, and much more...

NATIONAL NEWS: (FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB)

THEN CLICK ON CAMERAS

THEN TAKE YOUR PICK OF WHICH PHOENIX FREEWAY VIEW YOU'D LIKE TO SEE.

LOWER SPEED TO 35 MPH TO SAVE BUGS

The Southwest Center for Insect Diversity (SCID) has filed suit in Federal District Court in Tucson, Baja Arizona, seeking to have the speed limits on Arizona's interstate highway system lowered to 35 miles per hour.

"It is a well-known fact that insects will blow past a vehicle going less than 35 mph, whereas they splatter at speeds greater than 35 mph," explained Peter Goatbrain, head of SCID. "Over 80 million bugs per minute are killed on the US Interstate Highway System," Goatbrain added.

The SCID lawsuit to lower the speed limit was filed in response to the state raising speed limits to 75 mph. "No one did an environmental impact statement on raising the speed limit on the federal interstates," Goatbrain said, "which was required by federal law." SCID expects to get an injunction lowering the speed limit. "After all, the courts have kicked the loggers out of the forests, and the cowboys off the range thanks to our frivolous lawsuits, so we ought to be successful in tying up the state's transportation system," he added.

In a related development (true) the US Fish & Wildlife Service has sought to have Interstate 10 closed near San Bernadino, California, during the months of August and September to protect the Delhi Sands Flower-loving Fly.


letters to the editor (we actually get email)

Editor: Enjoyed your frumious bandersnatch! But the map of Arizona showing only Alta and Baja is incomplete - it is common knowledge that the upper third, centered in Flagstaff, is Alta Arizona; the lower third, centered in Tucson, is Baja Arizona; and the middle third, centered in Phoenix, is Caca Arizona. Simple as ABC.   from dedpan

Editor:Count me among the loyal readers of the bandersnatch, as I have it bookmarked. One small piece of advice for your HTML,where you list your email address at the bottom of the page. You may want to make it a link to actually send mail (code was enclosed). from alewin

[editor's note: good point. we're still learning html, so we took your advice. ]

email us at

holaw@azstarnet.com

what is the frumious bandersnatch?

The frumious bandersnatch was founded in April, 1965 at the University of Arizona (sometimes also known as the Great Desert University) as an off-campus (underground) newspaper. It published every other Wednesday until the early 1970's, then whenever there was a good enough reason (which wasn't often).

We always wanted to publish a national satirical newspaper, but no one ever had the money. Then, along came the world wide web. We post the paper, and you print it out on your paper.

You won't find any profanity in the frumious bandersnatch. Our goal is intelligent humor.

Some of what we're publishing will come from the web.There's a lot of bandersnatch type humor out there. Please forward us funny stuff.

The rest is our own creation.

We're going to try this for a while, every week, and see what happens. If you like it (or hate it) email us. We'll publish the best of the printable.

Cartoons by Don Berry

Photos by Hugh Holub

Copyright 1996 by Hugh Holub

Permission to reprint is granted so long as you print this on yellow paper and don't try to sell it.

 

Sometime soon we'll be asking you to donate a quarter to us if you liked our weekly page. Just how you'll leave the quarter on top of your monitor and it will get to us is still being worked on.

The name comes from the poem "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carroll. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son, the jaws that bite, the claws that catch. Beware the jubjub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch."

The frumious bandersnatch is the registered trademark of Hugh Holub.

WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING, ANYHOW, ASSOCIATED WITH THIS PAPER.

satire humor politics environment sarcasm slander funny culture people search engine find us please laugh newspaper joke

 mas y menos

FREE BAJA ARIZONA

The part of what is now Arizona south of the Gila River was mistakenly added to Arizona as part of the Gadsden Purchase.

Whereas Phoenix and Maricopa County dominate Arizona with wacko right-wing politics, Baja Arizona is known for its wacko left-wing politics.

The people of Baja Arizona yearn to be free of the domination of Phoenix, and to be able to do things like have a decent state educational system, public health care, construct mass transportation, operate humane prisons, protect their environment, and send a couple of Democrats to the US Senate.

America needs Baja Arizona as its 51st state.

The state capital of Baja Arizona would be located in an RV and moved from town to town every 6 weeks.

The state song would be JoJo by the Beatles.

Linda Ronstadt is the State Minstrel.

The state motto would be "mas cerveza".

The State Flower of Baja Arizona is proposed to be the creosote blossom.

The State Mammal would be the coati mundi.

There would be no speed limit in Baja Arizona since no one obeys the ones posted now.