Go to current editionCURRENT EDITION
December 23 to 31st, 1996 Vol 1. No. 1 |  |
happy new year
This prime piece of real estate in Arizona will be offered to the highest bidder for corporate
sponsorship by the Republican Majority of the US Congress in 1997.
FREE TRADE AGREEMENT
ANNIVERSARY CELEBRATED
WOLVES TO RUN FREE IN ARIZONA
 | After being extirpated from the state of Arizona, the
Mexican Gray Wolf is being reintroduced into the
eastern mountains of the state. On nearby Mount
Graham is the habitat of the Red Squirrel, another
endangered species. The University of Arizona is
attempting to complete a telescope project on
Mount Graham, which is vigorously opposed by
environmentalists who fear the scope construction
will kill the squirrels. However, since wolves are
known to migrate from their initial habitat, the
bandersnatch predicts that the scopes will save the
squirrels from the wolves. |
| advertisement | advertisement |
| SENSORY DEPRIVATION
FOUNDATION seeks volunteers to
explore expanding your awareness of your
temporal space. $1,995 per person. | GENERAL DELIVERY UNIVERSITY will
issue its Spring Catalog of Course Materials
in a few weeks. Applications for diplomas
will be accepted at that time. |
| SABINO GLACIER
NATIONAL PARK
PROPOSED The Sabino Canyon Glacier has
been proposed as a National Park.
"The southernmost remnant of the
Pleistocene ice sheet would make
an excellent national park because
it is so small, there would be no
operating budget to maintain it,"
explained Joe Sam . The new
national park would be
approximately 50 feet by 50 feet.
The location of the Sabino Glacier
would still be kept secret out of fear
that someone will chop it up to cool
their beer.
|  |
 | This beautiful southwestern
holiday scene is brought to you
by the folks who put a
shopping mall on this site. |
| THE 1997 BAH HUMBUG AWARD GOES TO Wells Fargo Bank which eliminated First Interstate's check guarantee card, so
their customers could not use checks to buy Christmas presents, and then who fired
a bunch of their full-time tellers right before Christmas.
|
| New Year's | Predictions |
| *The Arabs and Jews on the West Bank will
learn to get along together (like the good
Christians of Belfast). | *Someone will make a prediction with a
remote possibility of happening. |
| A new gene will be discovered that is the
cause of political ambition. Genetic research
is instantly outlawed. | *Life will be discovered on Jupiter. How the
magazine got to Jupiter will remain a mystery. |
| *Donald Trump will renounce his wealth and
donate millions to the homeless. | *Newt Gingrich will be convicted of violating
House Ethical Rules. The Office of Special
Prosecutor will be abolished. |
| *The State Legislature will approve the
creation of Baja Arizona. | *Snowbirds will learn how to drive. |
| *Phoenix will stop growing. | * The Suns will be NBA champions. |
| *It won't reach 100 degrees next summer in
Tucson. | *Hell will freeze over first. |
AND NOW A WORD FROM TILLY
weather forecast:
For the last several hundred years it has been cool and dry in Baja Arizona during the
months of January and February, with occasional periods of rain. This is not likely to
change in early 1997.
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want more information about baja arizona?
Coming soon: Proof that Bill Gates is Satan,
The Lost Episode of Star Trek, and much more...
|
NATIONAL NEWS: (FROM THE WORLD WIDE WEB)
|
THEN CLICK ON CAMERAS
THEN TAKE YOUR PICK OF WHICH PHOENIX FREEWAY VIEW YOU'D LIKE TO SEE.
|
LOWER SPEED TO 35 MPH TO SAVE BUGS
The Southwest Center for Insect Diversity (SCID) has filed suit in Federal District Court in
Tucson, Baja Arizona, seeking to have the speed limits on Arizona's interstate highway system
lowered to 35 miles per hour.
"It is a well-known fact that insects will blow past a vehicle going less than 35 mph, whereas
they splatter at speeds greater than 35 mph," explained Peter Goatbrain, head of SCID. "Over
80 million bugs per minute are killed on the US Interstate Highway System," Goatbrain added.
The SCID lawsuit to lower the speed limit was filed in response to the state raising speed limits
to 75 mph. "No one did an environmental impact statement on raising the speed limit on the
federal interstates," Goatbrain said, "which was required by federal law." SCID expects to get
an injunction lowering the speed limit. "After all, the courts have kicked the loggers out of the
forests, and the cowboys off the range thanks to our frivolous lawsuits, so we ought to be
successful in tying up the state's transportation system," he added.
In a related development (true) the US Fish & Wildlife Service has sought to have Interstate
10 closed near San Bernadino, California, during the months of August and September to
protect the Delhi Sands Flower-loving Fly.
letters to the editor (we actually get email)
Editor: Enjoyed your frumious bandersnatch! But the map of Arizona showing only Alta and
Baja is incomplete - it is common knowledge that the upper third, centered in Flagstaff, is Alta
Arizona; the lower third, centered in Tucson, is Baja Arizona; and the middle third, centered in
Phoenix, is Caca Arizona. Simple as ABC. from dedpan
Editor:Count me among the loyal readers of the bandersnatch, as I have it bookmarked. One
small piece of advice for your HTML,where you list your email address at the bottom of the
page. You may want to make it a link to actually send mail (code was enclosed). from alewin
[editor's note: good point. we're still learning html, so we took your advice. ]
| email us at holaw@azstarnet.com
|
what is the frumious bandersnatch?
| The frumious bandersnatch was founded in
April, 1965 at the University of Arizona
(sometimes also known as the Great Desert
University) as an off-campus (underground)
newspaper. It published every other
Wednesday until the early 1970's, then
whenever there was a good enough reason
(which wasn't often). |
|
| We always wanted to publish a national
satirical newspaper, but no one ever had the
money. Then, along came the world wide
web. We post the paper, and you print it out
on your paper. You won't find any profanity in the frumious
bandersnatch. Our goal is intelligent humor.
Some of what we're publishing will come from
the web.There's a lot of bandersnatch type
humor out there. Please forward us funny stuff.
The rest is our own creation.
We're going to try this for a while, every
week, and see what happens. If you like it (or
hate it) email us. We'll publish the best of the
printable.
| Cartoons by Don Berry Photos by Hugh Holub
Copyright 1996 by Hugh Holub
Permission to reprint is granted so long as
you print this on yellow paper and don't
try to sell it.
Sometime soon we'll be asking you to
donate a quarter to us if you liked our
weekly page. Just how you'll leave the
quarter on top of your monitor and it will
get to us is still being worked on.
|
The name comes from the poem "Jabberwocky" by Lewis Carroll. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son, the
jaws that bite, the claws that catch. Beware the jubjub bird and shun the frumious bandersnatch."
The frumious bandersnatch is the registered trademark of Hugh Holub.
WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING, ANYHOW, ASSOCIATED
WITH THIS PAPER.
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mas y menos
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