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The world breathed a
sigh of relief as Comet Hale-Bopp
whipped around the Sun and sped
off into space. "The
passage of Comet Hale-Bopp will
probably be remembered not only
for the cult suicide, but for the
tidal wave of really awful
disaster movies it
spawned,"explained Sarah
Beedle with the GDU
College of Astronomy.
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"Never
have there been so many movies about
volcanoes, earthquakes, tidal waves, big
snakes, meteorite impacts, and other ways
to separate little children from their
pets," explained Beedle, General
Delivery University's
expert on outer space and other voids.
"Threats of
an alien invasion from the spaceship
alleged to be following the comet are
also greatly reduced," Beedle added,
as an after-thought.
What awaits the
rich, the powerful, and the famous when
they die? Hell for many of them. But not
just a hot place. According to our
source, who just returned from Hell,
here's what some folks have to look
forward to... BILL CLINTON will spend
eternity in Arkansas, and Satan will be
Hillary. Hell for BARBARA WALTERS will be
filled with totally unimportant,
insignificant people who don't speak
English. YASSAR ARAFAT is doomed to a
place where he will be the only Arab, and
everyone else will be armed Israelies.
Democrats, welfare mothers, and poor
people will be NEWT GINGRICH's eternal
companions. In Hell, MICHAEL JACKSON will
be a little boy, and there will be a lot
of other Michael Jackson's who like
little boys way too much. OJ will be
deposited into a very large room filled
with a whole bunch of angry women...with
very big knives. There will be no
computers and no money where BILL GATES
is going. TIM McVEIGH (after he is
executed) will wake up tied to a very
large bomb, that is ticking. And
explodes. And he wakes up again, tied to
a very large bomb, that is ticking...
And Hell
for Dennis Rodman is that he's going to
be a pygmy.
The
Bandersnatch goes weekly retroactively.
More...
SEE OUR APRIL FOOL
EDITION
Congress Abolishes
Income Tax, Greenspan Dead, Cigarette
Makers Quit
Santa Cruz Sand Trout
Sighted
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to Cults
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