America's first rock'n roll nursing home opened today in Green Valley, Arizona--a notorious retirement community in Baja Arizona. "Given the demographics of the country, " explained Richard Sottleworth, head of the Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home, " it only made sense to cater to the incoming generation of senior citizens." The traditional nursing home just didn't seem appropriate for people weaned on the Rolling Stones. "There is no way the old type of old folks home is going to work with people playing dominoes and listening to Lawrence Welk," explained Sottleworth. "What works best is to create a familiar environment for our clients." The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home will feature 24 hour rock music, and medicinal marijuana. "Actually, the next generation of senior citizens is going to be a lot easier to deal with," Sottleworth explained, "because we can really dope them up and they'll love it." The Oldies But Goodies Nursing Home Company plans a national chain of rock-oriented care facilities. "We are trying to get Dick Clark or Mick Jagger to do promos for us, but so far no luck," added Sottleworth. "But, there's plenty of aging rockers out there, so someone will need the money," he added. In addition to round-the-clock dope, the new nursing home will offer electric guitars for residents. "They're all deaf, anyway," Sottleworth commented. INDIANS ATTACK JOHN WAYNE PARKWAY CASA GRANDE: The John Wayne Parkway came under fire from local Indians today. The Parkway, which runs through an Indian reservation in Pinal County, was recently named after the Duke, who once owned a ranch along the roadway. "Naming a road that runs through an Indian reservation after a cowboy movie star noted for shooting Indians, is extremely insensitive to say the least," said Joe Sam, honorary Indian. The flap about the John Wayne Parkway raises the issue of whether Cochise County, in southeastern Baja Arizona, which is named after the famous Chiricahua Apache chief, should be renamed since the white residents of that county killed or drove off every Apache in that area a hundred years ago."Maybe they ought to change the name of Cochise County to John Wayne County, and rename the Parkway after an Indian," observed Mr. Sam. The controversy over the John Wayne Parkway comes on the heels of the demand by Arizona's Indians that Squaw Peak, in the middle of Phoenix, be renamed. "Squaw is an offensive description of our women," noted one of the protestors. "They should name the mountain Bitch Peak and see how the white women like that," he added. One has to remember Arizona is also the home of the Barry Goldwater Bombing Range. Can you image how hard it is publishing a satirical newspaper in a place like Arizona where the true stories are stranger than fiction. Copyright 1997 by Hugh Holub. All Rights Reserved. |
