ALIENS INVADE MARS
||Millions of Martians fled for cover as the Earth
landed another spaceship onto the Martian surface. "This is getting
tiresome, having to duck all this falling debris the Americans and
Russians keep throwing at us,"complained Zigbat Knyrl, Martian
resident. Martians are especially worried about being contaminated
by an Earth virus carried by the spacecraft. "There seem to be
horrible diseases on Earth like compulsive television watching and
tobacco addiction which could destroy life on our planet," noted
|The first photo fromPathfinder has proven
conclusively that the Red Planet is still covered with rocks.
"We've spent two hundred million dollars to find out Mars
looks exactly like western Australia or southern Arizona," a
Republican Congressman complained. It did not occur to the GOP that
the "rocks" might actually be the Martians, hiding from Earth's
U.S. Bureau of Reclamation officials looked hopefully at the
pictures of a dry, rocky Marscape. "If there was ever a place in need of a
water importation project, Mars is it, " noted an BuRec official. "We've
been effectively stopped from building any more dams or canals on Earth,"
the official noted, "but maybe we can team up with NASA and divert some
comets to Mars to create a water resource."
"That's the problem with earthlings," harrumphed a Martian, "no
sooner than they land, and they're already thinking about changing
Our Martian had to break off the interview as the rover Sojourner
was about to run him over.
The opponents to new EPA air quality standards issued an
announcement upon seeing the first pictures from Mars. "Obviously the
Martian atmosphere is in violation of US air quality standards, and all
human activity must be stopped at once."
Mark Hunt reports that the Big 3 automakers in Detroit are very
happy with the landing of Pathfinder. "The airbags really
"I think the whole space exploration program could be financed
through licensing agreements between outfits like JPL and the toymakers,"
a spokesman for the toy industry suggested. "We need a Lego Rover for the
next mission," urged a toy dealer. Not to be outdone by the Americans,
Russian toy-makers brought out a toy Mir orbiting space station, that
catches fire easily, crashes into things, and falls apart after a few
||A new approach to privatizing the space program
has emerged with the success of Martian Rover Sojourner
toys.Miniature Sojourners are flying off the shelves in many stores,
according to Mattell. The JPL gets a royality for each toy Sojourner
YEMENIES CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF MARS
residents of Yemen, a tiny little country south of Saudi Arabia, have sued
NASA, claiming they inherited the planet Mars (which reportedly looks a
lot like Yemen) from their ancestors. NASA officials are reported to have
advised the claimants to go pound sand. What is unclear at press time is
how did the Yemenies' ancestors leave Mars and travel to Earth since
interplanetary camels had not yet been invented.
In a slightly related story, several of the Martians (who look like
rocks) are threatening to sue NASA for defamation of character. "My
clients are offended at being named after Earth cartoon characters," noted
Harry Goniff, attorney for the Martians. It is also reported that a
personal injury suit may be in the works on behalf of the Martian that was
run over by Sojourner. "You know there's something wrong in America when
Martian rocks even have lawyers," noted a spokesperson for NASA.
Great job JPL!
Copyright 1997 by Hugh Holub