In the wake of the pending ban of all insecticides, it has become necessary to find an environmentally correct way to protect one's home from bugs.

The General Delivery University Department of Insect Extermination announced today that new technology, called "Bug Sucker".

"We were experimenting with a Dirt Devil, and discovered that if you put a long tube on the end, it will suck bugs off the walls," said Willy B. Greene, GDU exterminator.

Renamed the "Bug Sucker", the device provides for a totally safe way to rid your home of bugs. "No chemicals whatsoever," Greene noted.

Bug Sucker comes complete with disposable bug bags. "You can choose how you want to ultimately dispose of the bugs you suck up from your home," Greene said. "You can dump them over the wall into your neighbor's yard," he added. "Or you can step on the bag, if you like the sound of crunching insects," he continued. "And you can throw the bag into your fireplace and burn the bastards."

GDU also developed an outdoor version of Bug Sucker, using a ShopVac.

"This monster will suck ants right out of their holes," Greene said.

The Bug Sucker will soon be available to Internet users, via the GDU Store.

Copyright 2000 by H. Holub