GUIDE TO SUMMER CAMPS

School is almost out, and now the dreaded decision--where to send little Johnny and Jane for the summer so you can preserve your marriage. The Frumious Bandersnatch has researched summer camp opportunities throughout the continent, and herewith offers our guide to the pick of summer fun:

Jungle River
Wouldn't you like your child to canoe down this river?

JUNGLE SURVIVAL CAMP: This camp is located deep within the jungle of Chiapas, Mexico. For a mere $1,000 a week your child can learn such important skills as how to gain support from local villagers, automatic weapon maintenance, and political use of web sites for counterrevolutionary movements.

BIKE ACROSS AMERICA CAMP: Children enrolled in this camp are expected to bicycle from Washington D.C. to San Francisco in less than 3 months. Along the way, they will learn how to fund-raise for the cause of their choice, conduct interviews with local television stations, and repair flat tires. Parents must provide their child's bike.

CAMP SNIPE: The ever popular snipe hunt caps a week of outdoor camaraderie at this Maine camp.

CAMP BRONX. "We offer rural children a chance to experience city life by helping to reconstruct tenements, working in soup kitchens, and riding the subways at night." Sounds like fun.

FUGAWEE INDIAN CAMP: Campers enrolled in this traditional native American-style camp will learn useful skills taught by our Fugawee Indian staff, such as the marketing of bead work and baskets to tourists, and how to run a casino.

THE GUADALUPE RIVER CAMP: A three day canoe trip down the Guadalupe River in Texas highlights this camping experience. Campers are encouraged to look for illegal dumping of chemical waste and can expect to encounter the always dangerous native Texan along the route.

THE SUPERSTITION MOUNTAIN RANCH CAMP: Not only do campers get to round up cattle and do all the other nasty work of a ranch in temperatures exceeding 110 degrees, this camp also schedules weekend outings into the Supersition Mountains to look for the Lost Dutchman Goldmine. Parents are required to sign an extensive release and hold harmless agreement in the event their children join the hundreds of people who have vanished mysteriously in these mountains.

BEAR CAMP: This camp, located on Kodiak Island in Alaska, focuses on the study of the American grizzly bear. Campers must be able to run 100 yards in under 12 seconds to qualify for this camp.

INTERROCKING MUSIC CAMP: If your child is musically inclined, and you are sick and tired of hearing amplified guitar music at home, this is the place for you. Located 60 miles from the nearest human habitation in western Arizona, children can play rock music as loud as they wish until 4 in the morning. Note: all camp personnel are deaf.

CAMP CONGRESS: A popular camp in Washington, D.C., participants pretend they are members of Congress for a week. The camper obtaining the largest amount of corporate donations for the camp wins a special award.

UNITED NATIONS CAMP: New York City hosts this educational camp for children seeking careers in the foreign service. Campers are each designated as an ambassador from some obscure country, and spend the week bickering and complaining about the lack of United States financial support for the United Nations. A highlight of this camping experience is an object lesson in diplomatic immunity as campers spend a day with the New York City police handing out parking tickets to real diplomats.

SPACE STATION CAMP: Campers pretend they are living on the International Space Station, sleeping in cramped quarters, eating nothing but beets, and practicing extinguishing the ever-exciting fires on the station.

MIGRATORY LABOR CAMP: This camp specializes in weight loss for weight challenged kids. Campers learn how to pick lettuce, tomatoes, green onions, and strawberries in California's central valley. Spanish language education also offered.

Copyright 1999-2008 Hugh Holub