FUNDAMENTALISTS BOYCOTT DISNEY
The Southern Baptist Convention voted to boycott Walt Disney. "This boycott is not just about Disney's gay-friendly employment policies or the t.v. show Ellen," explained an anonymous spokesman for the Southern Baptist group. "If you look at the entire body of Disney productions, they run counter to our church's doctrines of homophobia, bigotry and racism."
"Take Peter Pan, for example. Now there's a strange character, leading children away from their homes. Is he a she"?" asked our Baptist source.
"Then there is Snow White, running around with seven drwafs. That's a little strange, don't you think?" queried our Southern Baptist."And how about Cinderella and the shoe fetish prince?"
Disney's nature shows drew special criticism. "In most of those shows, humans are the bad guys. Most of today's radical environmentalism can be traced to those 'documentaries'," said our source.
Mickey Mouse didn't miss the Baptist ban. "A mouse is just a mouse, and the Disney people turned their mouse into a god. More people on Earth probably know Mickey Mouse than Jesus Christ."
Donald Duck was also attacked. "The duck talks with a speech impediment, and makes it seem handicapped people are equal to normal people."
The Southern Baptist spokesperson went absolutely berserk when the subject of Aladdin came up. "Here's this stupid poor person finding a magic device, probably created by Satan, and he gets the princess. That is a bad thing to teach our children."
Though the Southern Baptist hadn't seen Hercules yet, he was, nonetheless, not impressed. "Doesn't Hercules look gay to you?" he asked.
Disney's theme parks also were a problem for the Southern Baptists. "On Main Street they've got stores and a castle, but no church," our Southern Baptist complained. "Show me a real town in America with no church."
The Southern Baptists are reportedly going to arrange ceremonial burnings of Disney stuffed animals and videotapes at local churches. "we can't have our children going to bed at night looking at stuffed Disney toys that advocate equality, and we can't have our children watching Bambi on Saturday mornings," the Southern Baptists added.
What could possibly be wrong with Bambi, we asked. "Bambi makes deer seem cute," our Southern Baptist responded. "We hunt deer."
SOUTHERN BAPTISTS STRANDED ON TREASURE ISLAND
Two hundred Southern Baptists were stranded on Disneyland's Treasure Island Sunday. None of them would take the ferry back to the mainland.