The Frumious Bandersnatch Satirical Newspaper & Parodies April Fool's Day Edition

2011

KADAFFI COMMITS SUICIDE

Unconfirmed reports from Tripoli are that Col. Muammar Kadaffi hung himself on the morning of April 1st.

"He finally realized he was not going to be able to keep in power because everyone was running away from him, so he killed himself," said Wazir Wazzok, spokesman for the Libyan Army.

Other anonymous sources indicate the Libyan Army had given Kadaffi the rope and the chair to stand on so the infamous dictator could depart this world and hang out with the virgins in Paradise.

"We suspect upon arrival to his Afterlife he was surprised to fin it was even hotter than Libya," said a spokesman for the Army.

OIL COMPANIES AGREE TO REDUCE GASOLINE PRICES

In a move that caught everyone by surprise, several major oil companies agreed to reduce the price of gasoline by $1.00 a gallon effective April 1st.

"We recognized that the higher our gas prices were, the more people were running out and buying really efficient new cars like the Prius, which meant that in the long term we'd sell a lot less gas," said a spokesman for the MegaMonopoly Oil Company.

The price reduction in gasoline is expected to remain in effect until January 2013 when oil companies expect there to be a Republican controlled US House, US Senate and White House.

US SENATE CAVES IN AND AGREES TO $60 BILLION IN BUDGET CUTS

As the deadline for shutting down the government loomed on April 1st, US Senate Democrats suddenly endorsed a Republican plan to cut another $60 billion from the current federal budget.

The Senate bill however targets all the budget cuts to states with 2 Republican Senators and to House districts represented by Republicans.

"we just want to see how serious the Republicans are about cutting spending if their constituents bear the brunt of the cuts," said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid.

CHARLIE SHEEN VANISHES

Self-destructive media star Charlie Sheen vanished on April 1st with not a word of where he disappeared to and why.

Several supermarket tabloids immediately declared bankruptcy.

MILLIONS HIRED TODAY

Over 10 million people woke up on April 1st to find out they had a job.

America's corporations sent notices by email to all the people that ad been laid off or fired in the last 3 years offering their jobs back if they'd show up for work on Friday.

"It became obvious there would not be any increase in consumer spending or new home buying unless people had incomes," said a spokesman for Dingbat Skiller, a Wall Street Investment banking firm. "So companies decided to hire a lot of people who would then have money to spend so the economy would function again."

Over 1 million potential workers did not receive the emails offering them their jobs back as they had no longer been able to afford electricity or internet service.

CONGRESS VOTES A FLAT AND SIMPLE INCOME TAX

In a move that caught thousands of special interest lobbyists by surprise, both the House and Senate on April 1st voted to reform the federal income tax code, establishing a flat 10% income tax, with no deductions of any kind and no tax credits or other gimmicks.

The 1 page bill replaced 140,000 pages of the IRS code.

"We anticipate a lot of unemployment among tax layers and accountants," said Phil Filbrick, Congressman from Baja Arizona, "but these folks are smart enough to come up with new jobs for themselves."

It was unknown at press time of President Obama would sign the bill as die-hard Democrats were determined to still figure out how to tax the rich.

Congressman Filbrick predicted the flat tax would actually generate more revenue.

"The rich who now pay nothing because all the loopholes will now at least pay 10% which is a gain."

2010

REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS SUDDENLY START GETTING ALONG

In a sudden turn of events, leading Republicans and Democrats in Congress decided that all the fighting and name-calling was just working to destroy people's confidence in government itself.

"The tea party movement is against both Democrats and Republicans," observed one old time Senator, "and we actually need some kind of government here."

"We call them swine and they call us socialists," said a leading Democratic leader, "so people rightly conclude we're all a bunch of low life."

As a result of the sudden awareness that the polarization was making all elected officials an endangered species, a wave of compromise swept through Capitol Hill.

"We gotta pass some bills even if we don't get 100% of what we want," said a leading conservative.

"We never really believed we'd get everything we wanted anyway," said an arch liberal in the US House. "Something is better than nothing."

Organizations and special interests who benefited from the stalemate on Capital Hill were shocked at the switch to negotiation and compromise.

"We want to stop everything if we don't get what we want on abortion," said one extremist who was suddenly marginalized by the new climate of cooperation.

BANKS AND OTHER FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS SUBJECTED TO STRICT REGULATION

In one of the bills that suddenly passed Congress on April 1st, tough new controls were imposed on America's banking and financial sector.

"The outfits that wrecked our economy need to be chained down," said a Democratic Senator from Baja Arizona.

"Taking money from the banking industry to block regulation of these bandits was just downright immoral," said the GOP Senator from Baja Arizona.

The new financial regulatory system includes the death penalty for anyone running a Ponzi scheme, selling credit default swaps, or creating derivatives not backed up by real money and assets.

Bonus would have to be tied to financial institutions actually making money.

Federal protection of the banking industry would be dependent on banks making home mortgage and small business loans.

WALL STREET TURNED INTO GIANT CASINO

Investment bankers, bond traders and stock exchanged announced that all of the financial instututions headquartered on Wall Street would be merged into a giant casino.

"It is obvious we're running a lot of games of chances with people making bets on whether stocs rise or fall, or countries default," said an anonymous source, "So we decided to come out of closet and run our businesses out in the open."

Federal officials saw the conversion of Wall Street into a giant casino as a means to escape the tough new federal regukations passed earlier this morning April 1st.

"You bets your money and you takes your chance," is the new motto of the Vegas-style financial system.

As part of the casino conversion, winners will be immediately subjected to federal income taxes.

"People won't have a reason to complain about bonuses and huge profits, because Wall Street will not be one of the biggest tax revenue sources in the country," said a Wall Street bum.

While many financial players initally opposed the cainso conversion because of the immediate taxation, after considering thenoptions, they decided paying up now avoided nasty consequences such as the death penalty for insider trading and such stuff.

US TROOPS WITHDRAW FROM IRAQ

The last US combat troops departed Iraq on the morning of April 1st.

Most were redeployed to Afghanistan.

OSAMA BIN LADEN CAPTURED ALIVE, TO BE TRIED IN TEMPORARY COURTHOUSE AT WORLD TRADE CENTER SITE

Marines captured Osama bin Laden alive on April 1st.

US officials immediately announced bin laden would be tried before a military tribunal in a special court house to be constructed at the site of the fallen World Trade Center towers.

"Construction will be halted on the new building until bin Laden is tried and executed," said an anonymous US official.

The trial will be nationally televised, as will be the execution.

2009

FEDERAL RESERVE SENDS CHECK FOR $30,000 TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER

Washington: Heeding the advice of The Frumious Bandersnatch, the Federal Reserve today announced that it was sending a check for $30,000 to each and every individual or couple taxpayer in America.

"The cost of this program will be $3 trillion," said a spokesman for the Federal Reserve, "which is about what we've spent bailing out banks."

There will be no restrictions on what people can do with their $30,000 check.

"People could buy stock, put it savings, buy a new car, pay off their credit car debt, pay medical bills, pay for their kid's college tuition, whatever," said the Federal Reserve.

"One thing for sure, is a lot of money will go into immediate circulation in the country helping to jump start the economy," the Federal Reserve added.

Single taxpayers would get $30,000 and married couple would et $60,000 under the plan.

No payments would be made to anyone earning over $250,000 in taxable income in 2008, and no payments would be made to C corporations. Payments would be made to S corporations.

Joe Sam, Statutory Agent and Foreign Correspondent for the Bandersnatch was guardedly optimistic about the potential payment. "I realize we're going to have to pay this all back in higher taxes in the future, but this ought to set off a wave of inflation making the effective cost about one-half what it would be today.

TALIBAN SURRENDER, DISAVOWS ISLAMIC EXTREMISM

Kabul: The Taliban, in a sudden reversal of policy, disavowed their extreme version of Islam and laid down their weapons.

"We finally found someone who could actually read the Koran, and discovered we were being fed a pile of crap from the advisors we had," said a spokesman for the Taliban.

The Taliban plan to work to rebuild Afghanistan into a modern, prosperous country complete with education for their women.

HAMAS AND FATAH MAKE UP, UNIFY PALESTINE

RECOGINIZE ISRAEL'S RIGHT TO EXIST

Gaza: After weeks of negotiations, Hamas and Fatah have agreed to a coalition government to rule Palestine. As part of that agreement, Hamas has accepted the right of Israel to exist.

"There are some conditions for this," said a spokesman for Fatah.

"They include Israel removing all their settlements on the West Bank and turning the entire West Bank over to Palestinian control, open borders between Israel and Palestine, removal of all the Israeli walls, and allowing all displaced Palestinians living in other countries the right of return to Palestine.

In exchange, the Palestinians will quit firing rockets into Israel.

Israeli officials were silent in response to the proposal. West Bank settlers were furious at the prospect of being evicted from their settlements and vowed to topple any Israeli government that agreed to the Palestinian proposal.

"We just want to keep the war going forever," said a settler.

IRAN GIVES UP NUKE PROGRAM

Tehran: In a move that caught the US by surprise, Iran has decided to drop its nuclear weapons development program and open up the country to Un inspection.

Peaceful development of nuclear electric generation till continue, the Iranians announced, subject to full inspection.

"With oil selling for such low prices, we can't afford the cost of developing nuclear weapons," said a spokesman for the Iranian government.

"Anyway, we don't need nukes to export to terrorist groups to keep the world in a state of fear," the spokesman added. "We can make lots of smaller bombs for roadside attacks."

MEXICO CRUSHES DRUG CARTELS

Mexico City: In a series of midnight raids, the Mexican Army rounded up thousands of drug cartel officials, tried them, and executed them.

Billions of dollars in foreign currency was sized in the raids, along with billions worth of drugs.

"The amount of money we seized ought to keep the federal government operating for several years," said a Mexican federal official.

The swift move to eradicate the drug cartels caught many by surprise, especially the cartel members who thought they had bought or terrorized the Mexican government into looking the other way.

What finally prompted the Mexican government to quit blaming the US drug demand and weapons supply for the drug cartel problem was the damage the cartels' drug wars were doing to the Mexican tourist economy.

"Spring Break was an economic disaster with people afraid to come to Mexico," said a government official. "These drug thugs were so busy protecting their own petty interests that they didn't realize they were destroying our country."

From here on out, anyone caught in Mexico possessing drugs, selling drugs, laundering money, taking bribes from, the drug cartels, selling or smuggling guns, or possessing an automatic weapon will be executed within 24 hours.

"We will leave it to the United States to deal with the problem of millions of drug addicts whose supply of Mexican drugs has been eliminated," said the Mexican official.

US LEGALIZES MEXICAN WORKERS OPENS GATES TO WORKER IMMIGRATION

Washington: Within minutes of Mexico's announcement that a crackdown had been made on Mexican drug cartels, the US Congress passed legislation allowing all existing Mexican illegal residents to pay $5,000 and apply for either a work permit or a citizenship track.

"If they want to become citizens, they will have to learn English," said Senator Fred Freebush, (D) Baja Arizona.

Temporary workers would be allowed into the US for one year upon payment of a $2,000 work permit fee. The work permits could be renewed annually for another $2,000 a year fee. Permitted workers would have to check in at least once a month with a federal immigration office to verify where thy live. Permitted workers would be allowed driver's licenses, but not be eligible for US Social Security benefits. Payments made by the workers to US Social Security would be used to fund the deficit in Social Security to protect Americans.

'This way, anyone caught sneaking across the border would be presumed to be a drug smuggler or a terrorist, and we'll authorize the Border Patrol to shoot them on sight," said Freebush.

OFF SHORE OIL AND GAS DEPOSITS OFFERED FOR SALE

Washington: In response to Republican demand for more offer shore drilling, Democrats today introduced legislation selling off shore oil and gas deposits on the US Continental Shelf at auction.

"The minimum bid price with be $6 trillion, to pay back all the money we pissed away to banks," said Senator Fred Freebush (D) Baja Arizona.

Environmentalists were furious at the proposal, which would flood the US with cheap petroleum products that don't come from foreign sources.

"This will set back the growth of renewable energy development at least 5 years," said a spokesman for People Living Primitively.

Arab oil producing countries immediately bashed the US proposal, since this would reduce the sales of their oil and drive down oil prices world wide, cutting funding to support anti-American terrorist activities.

US BAN IMPORTS FROM CHINA AND EXPORTATION OF US JOBS TO FOREIGN COUNTRIES

Washington: To protect US workers, President Barak Obama launched an effort to ban imports from China, and to prevent any more US jobs from be outsourced to other countries.

"I think what pushed us over the edge was a bank using a call center in Indian calling delinquent credit card customers in the US dunning them for payments," Obama said. "If the call center job had been in the US, then a US citizen would at east be making money to pay his bills."

Other nations immediately declared a trade war against the US, raising duties and banning imports of everything from corn and beef to automobiles to their countries.

"That's cool," said a spokesman for the US Trade Office. "We aren't going to send them computers, airplanes, weapons, and a whole bunch of our stuff they just use to attack us with."

China responded by dumping all the US securities it owns into the market, which the US quickly bought up for pennies on the dollar.

"We're probably going to make enough reselling the junk debt we sold to China to pay off our national debt," said a spokesman for the US Treasury.

Americans will have to quickly get used to a shortage of many goods now made in China until domestic production can be ramped up. The stuff will obviously cost more, as well.

"The upside of this is that the stuff will be made in the US and our folks will have jobs and can afford to buy the stuff," said a spokesman for the Trade Office.

Officials at Wal Mart were not available for comment as they contemplated stores with empty shelves in a few months as all their Chinese-made products disappear.

US AUTO MAKER UNVEILS CAR THAT GETS 100 MILES TO THE GALLON

Detroit: Confirming the suspicion that the US auto industry had the technology to build a car that got 100 miles per gallon but were suppressing it, Ford today rolled out a whole line of cars and trucks that get at least 100 miles per gallon.

The new super fuel efficient cars and trucks will be in showrooms by April 1, 2010.

Ford also requested that a $10,000 tax credit be enacted for any US made car or truck that gets 100 miles per gallon.

"That ought to jump start the auto industry," a spokesman for Ford allowed.

GM and Chrysler reportedly also have 100 mpg cars waiting in the wings, but are hesitating to announce them until the terms of their federal bailout deals are finalized. GM and Chrysler want the US government to buy out all existing vehicles in the country to remove them from the road and the market.

"If we got rid of every unsafe, fuel guzzling, air pollution car and truck in the country, we'd vastly improve our air, reduce oil demand, and save 40,000 lives a year," said a spokesman for GM.

TO CURRENT EDITION OF THE BANDERSNATCH

2008

CLINTON AGREES TO RUN AS OBAMA'S VICE PRESIDENT

In a move that caught everyone, including her husband Bill , by surprise, Hillary announced today that she was willing to run on the ticket as Obama's vice president in November.

"I've spent most of my life playing second fiddle to men, so what's new," said Hillary. "And contrary to popular belief, I can count."

Rumor's are that the only condition Hillary has for taking the second chair in the campaign is that Obama would appoint Bill as ambassador to Rwanda if elected.

STOCK MARKET SOARS OVER 1,000 POINTS

New York: Upon hearing that the US was finally getting out of Iraq, stock traders went on a frenzied buying spree, pushing the Dow Jones average up 1,104 points in the heaviest trading seen in years.

"We're finally going to quit hemorrhaging money trying to civilize the Iraqis, and start investing our funds in stuff at home," said one stock trader.

OIL PRICES PLUMMET TO $60 A BARREL

Geneva: Oil prices dropped like a stone after the Saudi Arabian oil minister announced that OPEC production would be doubled in order to avoid an economic collapse caused by outrageous oil prices.

"It finally dawned on us that the higher we drove up oil prices, the less value the US dollar had, which was a self-defeating spiral that would end up with us sitting on all that oil with no one buying it."

The Saudi's denied the sudden increase in oil production had anything to do with the US announcing it was getting out of Iraq. "It did occur to us that the resulting civil war in Iraq would dry up any oil exports from that sources, which we could quickly replace and make oodles of money," said the oil minister.

BIN LADEN CONVERTS TO CHRISTIANITY, RENOUNCES TERRORISM

Somewhere in the mountains of Pakistan: Osama bin Laden, in an announcement that caught the world by surprise, announced he had converted to become a Jehovah's Witness.

"This clean cut guy showed up at my cave offering me a pamphlet called the Watch Tower, and I was hooked," said bin Laden.

How the JW found bin Laden in the first place remains a mystery, but followers of bin Laden considered it a miracle that the lair of the arch terrorist was found by anyone from America given all the efforts the US government has made in that regard.

FEDERAL RESERVE RESCUES MILLIONS OF HOMEOWNERS FACING FORECLOSURE

Washington: The Federal Reserve announced this morning that it was buying all subprime mortgages and discounting them heavily to allow millions of homeowners to avoid foreclosure.

"We will buy every portfolio of mortgages in the country, put a 3 month freeze on all foreclosures, and then offer homeowners new mortgages at 60% of their face value, amortized over 30 years, at 4% interest," said a spokesman for the Fed.

DEATH PENALTY SOUGHT FOR MORTGAGE BROKERS WHO MADE IMPRUDENT LOANS TO PEOPLE WHO COULDN'T AFFORD THE HOUSES

Washington: Senator Barry Fuller, (D) Baja Arizona, introduced new legislation today that would make it a capital offense retroactively for anyone who wrote a sub prime mortgage for a homebuyer they knew couldn't afford the loan.

"I think if we execute a few of these folks, no one is going to dare do this again," said Fuller.

LEGAL STATUS OFFERED TO MILLIONS OF MEXICANS INSIDE THE US

Washington: New legislation sponsored by 61 members of the Senate and 400 members of the US House of Representatives, was introduced today that would immediately grant residency status to approximately 12 million Mexicans living illegally in the US.

"We realized we are never going to deport them so lets face reality," said Senator Chris Kingle, also from Baja Arizona (which is located on the US-Mexico border).

To get their legal residency status, an illegal residing in the US on or before April 1st would have to pay the US government $2,000, which is approximately what has been paid by illegals to coyotes to get into the country.

The new residency status would allow the immigrants to live and work in the US for 5 years, with an automatic renewal upon payment of another $2,000.

Immigrants wanting to become US citizens could earn their way to citizenship by holding a job and paying state and federal income taxes for 10 years, and passing a test in English.

A citizenship application would also cost $2,000.

Anyone crossing the border after April 1st would not be eligible for this program, and would face immediate deportation.

"Applicants for residency will have to prove they were in the US before April 1st," said Kingle.

Border Patrol agents will be lined up along the US-Mexican border for the near future. "We don't care who is already inside the US...they're here and there's not much we can do about it," said Kingle. "But we will crack down on any further illegal entry."

Citizens of other countries who still want to come to the US could apply for a separate work visa, also costing $2,000. "We will use that money to actually hire people to process the applications so we can grant them in something under 22 years," said Kingle.

CHINA FREES TIBET

Bejing: Chinese leaders, worried that continuing conflict in Tibet would hurt the Olympic Games, announced today that all military presence was being withdrawn from Tibet and that the Dali Lama was free to return to the country.

"Even though we still think the Dali Lama is a jackal, there's really no reason why we need to continuing trying to control that vast wasteland to our west," said Lao Tsu, Chinese foreign minister.

The Dali Lama, upon hearing the news that Tibet was being freed, howled at the moon.

BRITTNEY SPEARS BECOMES NUN

Beverly Hills: Pop star and perennial rehab resident Brittney Spears announced today she was becoming a nun and joining a convent that is committed to silence.

The world's entertainment media held a candlelight vigil in front of the convent hoping for a miracle.

US TO GO TO 100% RENEWABLE ENERGY BY 2030

Washington: In another move that caught virtually everyone by surprise, President George W. Bush announced today that he would lead the effort to make the United States 100% reliable on renewable energy by 2030.

"I think being dependent on fossil fuels is just plain dumb," said Bush. "And being dependent on those crazy bastards in the Middle East for oil is even dumber."

Sources indicate the Bush family divested themselves of all oil company interest in the weeks leading up to the renewable energy announcement.

Bush's plan to make the US 100% renewable energy involves creating federal tax credits for the use of biofuels, solar panels, wind generation, hydrid cars, fuel cell technology, and a host of other alternative energy sources provided that all components or supplies are made or grown inside the United States.

"It is real simple," said Bush, "if we have to grow or manufacture everything related to having renewable energy inside our own country, that's gonna create a whole lotta jobs."

2007

REPUBLICANISM EXPLAINED

BRAIN DAMAGE AFFECTS ABILITY TO MAKE MORAL JUDGMENTS

Scientists at the General Delivery University announced today that a link has been discovered between brain injury and the ability to make moral judgments.

"We have found there is a little place in the brain right behind the forehead that controls a human's ability to make morally based decisions," said Andrew Wheel, head of the GDU Metaphysical School of Medicine.

"If that tiny part of the brain, called the "ventral media area", is put out of commission," Wheel explained, "folks have a significant inability to tell right from wrong."

Initially studies focused on people who had experienced severe head injury.

"However, when we started noticing some members of the control group in our study also exhibited serious problems with telling the truth and differentiating between right and wrong, we figured maybe it didn't take a severe injury to disable a person's moral judgment capacity," Wheel added.

The study was expanded and a strong correlation emerged between subjects with mo mral decision-making capacity and being Republicans.

"Initially, we were quite shocked to discover that virtually every Republican we studied had a non-functioning ventral media area in their brain. Initially we could find no correlation with brain injury," Wheel said.

Deeper inquiries into the history of the subjects who had damaged ventral media areas disclosed that all of them had been hit in the head at some point in their lives.

"We discovered that these people had been hit by baseballs, basketballs, golf balls, had been in minor car accidents, had walked into things and slammed their heads....every one of them had been head-banged," Wheel explained.

The link between this injury and the inability to make moral judgments further linking to the propensity to become Republicans confounded the researchers.

"Putting aside our personal biases about such things, we just could not ignore that every Republican we studied had this deficit in their ventral media area," Wheel said.

"This is apparently why they believe in George Bush, don't give a damn about the poor, and support the war in Iraq," Wheel explained.

One of the conclusions the study reached was that "Republicans are made, not born."

ATTORNEY GENERAL DEPORTED

GONZALES FOUND IN MEXICO

WASHINGTON: US Attorney General Alberto Gonzales vanished on his way home from his DC office and reportedly is now in Juarez, Mexico.

Gonzales, under increasing fire for firing 8 US Attorneys, reportedly was picked up by the Border Patrol.

Gonzales, who did not have in his possession documentation to prove he was a US citizen, was immediately flown to El Paso and escorted to the US-Mexican border.

"He had all these credentials saying he was the Attorney General, but those kinds of documents are insufficient to prove citizenship," said Randal Wrake, head of the Virginia/Maryland Sector of the Border Patrol.

"He looked like a Mexican and even admitted his name was Alberto Gonzales, and that was sufficient for getting deported," said Wrake.

No hearings were held prior to the deportation of the Attorney General.

"The first five or six times we catch a UDA (undocumented alien) we just punt them back to Mexico because it is cheaper," said Wrake. "If we held hearings for every one of these people we catch, our whole system would collapse under the weight of all those lawyers and judges."

Gonzales, for his part, reportedly was furious he was kicked out of the country without even being given a chance to call an attorney.

"Maybe he'd be interesting in letting all those people he ordered held in custody a right to counsel," quipped a spokesperson for Senator Hillary Clinton.

Immigration and Naturalization officials in El Paso report that re-entry into the United States has been refused to Gonzales.

"Besides not being able to prove he is a US citizen, the President has suggested it might be in the national interest if Gonzales stayed in Mexico," said Wrake.

2006

BUSH ADMITS HE WAS WRONG
RESIGNS PRESIDENCY

WASHINGTON: In news that stunned the nation, George W. Bush resigned as President of the United States.

"I was totally wrong about everything," Bush said as he fled from the White House, "so it's time to get outta Dodge."

Vice President Cheney was found dead in the Vice President's Office, shot with his own shotgun.

Facing mounting evidence that his Iraq war was a giant mistake and waste of money and life, Cheney apparently commited suicide, leaving Bush alone to face the consequences of leading America to the brink of ruin.

Besides leaving a terse resignation message that said "I quit", Bush also pardoned himself for any crimes he might have committed while running the country.

The whereabouts of most of Bush's cabinet was unknown, as many fled the United States upon hearing Bush had quit and Cheney was dead.

Confusion reigned in Washington as Senators and Congressmen dug out dusty copies of the US Constitution to figure out what the Constitution said about who was in charge of the country. Speaker of the House Dennis Hasbert figured out he was the next in the chain of succession, and immediately replaced Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld with retired General Colin Powell. Powell immediately ordered US troops in Iraq to redeploy to Israel.

"We've got an enormous deficit, our military intervention in Iraq has failed, and our Commander in Chief has rabbitted," said one GOP leader. "I guess you could say we're fucked."

Arizona Senator John McCain noted, "I told you so."

Air Force One with the ex-President was last seen exiting US air space headed south into Mexico. The Mexican government immediately denied the plane landing rights in their country. "We have tough immigration laws," said Mexican President Vincente Fox.

SADDAM CONFESSED GUILT

BAGHDAD: In a move that caught the entire world by surprise, Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein confessed he was a mass murderer today.

In a note delivered to Arab satellite tv channel Al Jazeera, Saddam admitted he was a worthless pile of camel dung, admitted killing tens of thousands of his countrymen and women, and prayed that Allah would forgive him for his sins.

The pro-terorist Arab news channel initially thought that the confession was a fake and refused to announce Saddam's admission. The news channel, which never question's the authenticity of any anti-American claim, was finally convinced of the accuracy of Saddam's announcement when he threatened to have the managers of Al Jazeera killed if they didn't run his annoucement.

BIN LADEN SURRENDERS TO NEW YORK POLICE

NEW YORK: To the shock and amazement of US authorities, Osama bin Laden walked into the 27th Precinct of the New York City Police Department, and surrendered.

Bin Laden, who is accused of killing more than 3,000 New Yorkers in the attack on the World Trade Center, just walked in the door and turned himself in.

"We got this ratty looking guy with a beard saying he's bin Laden and wants to pay for his crimes," said Captain Joe Rizzoli, NYPD public information officer, "and we think maybe this is just a deranged street person. Like we've already maybe 30 guys claim they were bin Laden."

After throwing the claimed bin Laden in the holding tank, NYPD officials called the FBI to check out the claim.

"The feds, they've been a royal pain in the butt, so we call them to check the guy out so they will waste their time," said Rizzoli. "And to everyone's surprise, the guy's the real thing."

Bin Laden reportedly admitted to having experienced a visitation from the spirit of the Prophet Mohammed who told bin Laden he had incorrectly interpreted to Koran and would spend eternity in a hell run by American lesbians if he did not admit he was wrong and accept the just punishment he is due.

BARRY BONDS APOLOGIZES FOR STEROID USE
QUITS BASEBALL
JOINS PETE ROSE IN ON-LINE DRUG AND GAMBLING VENTURE

Baseball sponsors celebrated news that Barry Bonds admits his steroid use and quit the game.

Meanwhile Bonds has teamed up with Pete Rose to become spokesmen for a new venture which will promote on-line gambling and drug purchases.

11 MILLION ILLEGAL ALIENS LEAVE COUNTRY
CALIFORNIA ECONOMY COLLAPSES

In a move that shocked America, 11 million illegal aliens departed for Mexico leaving california, Arizona, Texas and 12 other US states in economic chaos.

"They don't want us here, so we all decided screw them and we're headed home," said Juan Orto, one of the departing Mexicans as he crossed the border at Laredo.

Mexican officials immediately tried to seal their border with the US to stop the millions of their citizens fromn returning home.

"We stand to lose billions of dollars in funds the workers were sending home to their relatives in Mexico and our country will be in deep caca if this happens," said a spokesman for the mexican Foreign Ministry.

Farming, construction, hotels and restuarants all over the US shut down as the illegal aliens departed.

Hardest hit by the Mexican migration back to Mexico was the Social Security Administration, which had been collecting billions of dollars in Social Scurity taxes from the illegal workers and counting on them never to collect any benefits.

"We're broke," said a Social Security official, "without all this extra money we don't have to spend on benefits."

AMERICAN IDOL LOSERS NEXT CAST OF NEW SURVIVOR

HOLLYWOOD: Twenty of the losers in the recent American idol competition will be the cast of the next Survivor show it was announced today.

"The location of the Idol Survivor show will be a theater in Los Angeles," announced Donald Trump, who will host the new show.

"The people we kick out of Idol Survivor will be thrown into the lion cages at the San Diego Zoo," said Trump. "I've always wanted to say "You're Dead" instead of just "You're Fired", said Trump.

2005

SADDAM COMMITS SUICIDE

BAGHDAD: In a move that caught the entire world by surprise, Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein committed suicide today.

In a note delivered to Arab satellite tv channel Al Jazeera, Hussein admitted he was a worthless pile of camel dung, admitted killing tens of thousands of his countrymen and women, and prayed that Allah would forgive him for his sins.

US troops in Baghdad initially considered the suicide report as another trick, but the massive celebration that broke out in the Iraq capital city convinced coalition forces the news was true.

BIN LADEN SURRENDERS TO NEW YORK POLICE

NEW YORK: To the shock and amazement of US authorities, Osama bin Laden walked into the 27th Precinct of the New York City Police Department, and surrendered.

Bin Laden, who is accused of killing nearly 3,000 New Yorkers in the attack on the World Trade Center, just walked in the door and turned himself in.

After throwing the claimed bin Laden in the holding tank, NYPD officials called the FBI to check out the claim.

"The feds, they've been a royal pain in the butt, so we call them to check the guy out so they will waste their time," said Rizzoli. "And to everyone's surprise, the guy's the real thing."

President George Bush immediately took credit for the apprehension of bin Laden and requested another $42 billion dollars to protect Americans from terrorists who sell bongs over the internet.

NORTH KOREA AND SOUTH KOREA ANNOUNCE MERGER

PYNOGYANG: North Korea and South Korea announced today they the two countries would merge effective today, and just be "Korea".

All hostilities immediately ceased between the two former enemies, and the newly merged Korea announced it would cease development of nuclear weapons, and instead produce atomic powered Kia automobiles.

BUSH REPENTS, CONVERTS TO DEMOCRAT

WASHINGTON: George W. Bush woke up this morning realizing his entire life to date had been an enormous mistake, and converted to the Democratic Party.

"Viewing the future of America as being tied to the greedy capitalistic swine that I grew up with in Texas just didn't feel right any more," Bush said, "so I'm gonna be a died in the wool Texas populist."

Bush immediately asked Dick Cheney to resign as Vice President and appointed Jim Hightower to replace him as Veep.

CONGRESS ABOLISHES PERSONAL FEDERAL INCOME TAX

WASHINGTON: In an unprecedented show of bipartisanship, both the US House and senate today abolished the federal income tax for individuals.

"We realized we could run the federal government by eliminating every loophole we created in the tax code for corporations," said Senator John McCain, R-Arizona.

The news that the personal income tax would be abolished effective April 15th triggered a 500 point decline in the Dow Jones average, and a massive rush to shopping malls throughout America.

HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES ANNOUNCE UNIVERSAL HEALTH INSURANCE FOR $100 A MONTH

NEW YORK: The nation's leading health insurance companies announced today that they would divide up the population of the US and insure everyone for a premium of $100 per month.

"If we can get $100 a month from the 280 million people living in the country, everyone will have health care," said Arnold Flenk, CEO of HealthRip.

Republican leaders in the US House immediately questioned the legality of the move, claiming it was wrong to cover poor people so they would live longer and consume more welfare.

US AUTOMAKERS INTRODUCE NEW FUEL CELL CAR THAT WILL SELL FOR $3,000

DETROIT: Facing the prospect of global warming and continued reliance on politically incorrect oil supplies, the 3 major US automakers unveiled a new car that runs on a hydrogen fuel cell and will retail for $3,000.

"We figure the new car will replace every car on the road today very quickly," said Axel Ford, President of Ford Motor Company. "And as a result we'll make lots of money, the air will be cleaner, and everyone will be able to drive a safe car.

Ralph Nader immediately criticized the automakers for the announcement. "I knew they could do this all along," Nader said. A lawsuit will be filed shortly.