Share this page And share with Stumbleupon.com HOW TO FAIL AT BUSINESS One of
the American dreams is to start your own business. And millions try. And
most of them fail. Your
conventional how to book would advise you on how to succeed at your
new business venture. Obviously these dont work, since so many
businesses fail. So,
starting out with your dream of being your own boss and getting rich, with
the odds hugely against you, there is but one choice. Fail. But fail
spectacularly. It is actually the truth that many people famous at success
in business actually succeeded the tenth or twentieth time they tried. We
dont read about their failed ventures. So here
are some tips about how to guarantee your business venture will fail: OVERESTIMATE
YOUR GROSS SALES OR You make
up what is called a pro forma showing your projected gross revenues.
There is a rule business which actually succeed use---take your sales or
cash flow projection and cut that in half for the year, with zero income
the first 3 months. Reality will come closer to your minimal estimates,
not your best case view. UNDERESTIMATE
YOUR COSTS OF BUSINESS: This is
the second of the two reasons most business fail. You work night and day
figuring out all your costs. Rent, electricity, purchase of goods,
supplies, insurance, taxes, and so forth. If you make your estimates, then
subtract your protected costs from your overly optimistic revenue
projection, you will always show a profit in your first year. You
obviously believe in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus and that the
Republican Party will someday cut the cost of government. There is
only one thing certain about your cost of business estimates. They are
wrong. No matter how hard you try, they will always be wrong. You might
actually over estimate some costs, but you will mostly underestimate them.
And you will discover, after youve opened your doors, there are lots of
costs you never ever thought of. Whatever
was your initial cost estimate, smart and successful business people then
double this number. You will still end up wrong at the end of the year,
but closer to reality than otherwise. PROFIT
VERSUS LOSS: Using the most optimistic guess about revenue and your fantasy cost of
business estimate, you will always show how your business will make a
profit. At this point you are close to 100% chance your business will
fail. Now, if
you cut your revenue projection in half, and double your cost estimate two
things will likely appear. First is that your business will not make a
profit, and second the question should emerge asking why I am doing
this in the first place? YOU
Now that
youve chosen the path of starting your own business, there are some
additional steps to take to insure that not only will you fail, but
youll do a lot of damage in the process. TRUST
BANKS:
I am assuming for purposes of this discussion you will find a bank
willing to loan you some money to start your business. This used to
happen, and may again some day. In the
event you actually find a bank willing to lend you money, trust them.
However, what you really should trust them to do is raise your interest
rates sky high, wipe out your line of credit, and generally do things
after theyve loaned you money to destroy your business venture. BORROW
MONEY FROM RELATIVES: Many
small businesses start with loans from family members, and after the
business fails, no one in the family ever speaks to each other again. Some
might think that is a benefit. Regardless,
borrowing money from relatives insures higher levels of tension and
anxiety, guilt, and fear of death if the lender is armed and dangerous. Other
guaranteed failed location decisions to make include ignoring the general
poverty of your surroundings, such as abandoned cars, burnt out store
fronts and homes, and overwhelming presence of police in the area. One
exception to this rule would apply if you are selling cheap hand guns. Also
ignore your neighboring businesses. If your neighbors are pawn shops and
check cashing services you obviously have the perfect location for a
scones and latte operation. BE
CHURLISH IN YOUR INTERACTIONS WITH YOUR CUSTOMERS:
Assuming someone does find your business by accident, to fail you must
guarantee that their first visit to your business will be their last. Be
nasty to your customers. Ignore them when they walk into your store,
talking on your cell phone or doing the New York Times crossword puzzle.
Wait until they make some overt effort to get your attention before
acknowledging their existence. Act like they are seriously disturbing your
peace and quiet. Throw their goods on the counter, shove the stuff into a
bag harshly, drop the stuff on the floor a few times. Or hire teenagers to
staff your store. LIMIT
YOUR INVENTORY: Heck, you
cant compete with Wal Mart in price, nor with big stores with lots of
goodies, so stock your store with just a few items. Do not consider what
your competitors dont have and stock to meet unsatisfied demand. Pick
what you like to have around you, and only have one or two of anything you
are trying to sell, so when a customer asks for an item, you can say
Dont have. Never offer to order anything for a customer, unless
they are willing to pay full price in advance, which almost no one will be
willing to do. PUT
LOTS OF SIGNS UP IN YOUR STORE THAT WARN CUSTOMERS:
Instead of creating a customer-friendly environment, deal with the risk of
shoplifting, damage to your goods by being handled, and post lots of
warning signs all over the premises. Add toxic substance warning signs, no
trespassing signs, check fraud warning signs, and electronic surveillance
signs. OPEN
ERRATICALLY: Most businesses try and stay open at a minimum of 9 to 5 five days a
week. Dont have regular business hours. Have a sign on your door that
says Owners Will be back in 4 hours. Open when you feel like it and
close when you feel like it. Take lots of vacations using the money your
brother-in-law loaned you. HASSLE
THE PEOPLE USING THE PARKING SPACES IN FRONT OF YOUR BUSINESS THAT These
are but a few tips on how to maximize your chance of failure. We welcome
true life stories about how you failed.
Copyright
2010 by Hugh A. Holub
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