The General Delivery University Department of Work Avoidance has compiled this Guide on How to Annoy Your Boss. Our faculty is expert as this subject, as they have all been fired from numerous institutions of higher and lower education.

DON'T SHOW UP ON TIME: Bosses usually like their employees to show up on time...say at 8 AM. Never turn up at your work place until at least an hour after you were supposed to be there. Explain that you have difficulty in waking up before 9. Please note: if you are working at a job where they don't seem to notice you being late, keep the job.

LEAVE EARLY: A companion to showing up late, always leave work early. Thus, an eight hour work day can be trimmed to at least 6 hours. It is especially important to leave early enough to avoid last minute crisis around the work place. This especially annoys bosses.

TAKE LONG LUNCHES. The long lunch is a tradition on Wall Street, and you can see the result if your life savings is in mutual funds. Leave around 11 AM and wander back into the work place around 2:30. And bring your lunch back with you. With the combination of arriving late, leaving early, and taking long lunches you can get at least 2 hours of work time per day.

HARASS YOUR FELLOW EMPLOYEES: Show up nude to work.

EXHIBIT UNPLEASANT HABITS: Smoking will usually work. If you don't smoke, try eating peanuts and leaving the shells all around you. Getting up and scratching your butt also works.

PRETEND YOU DON'T SPEAK THE LANGUAGE: A lack of comprehension of any spoken language will irritate most anyone. Then again, in most government jobs, fluency in any language is not required.

START LOTS OF RUMORS: Everyone hates a gossip, so start as many rumors about your boss as possible.

FALL DOWN: Even though companies are supposed to avoid discriminating against handicapped people, they don't want to pay large health insurance premiums. Fall down a lot, especially during routine errands like going for a drink.

BREAK EQUIPMENT: Companies invest tons of money in computers and other equipment. Use a hammer to change the toner cartridge. Put magnets on top of your computer.

FILL YOUR DESK UP WITH PERSONAL ITEMS: To get work done, you must have a clean desk. Fill your desk with pictures of your kids, dogs, cats and relatives. Build a small shrine to the Virgin of Guadalupe, complete with candles.

REFUSE TO CARRY A CELL PHONE OR BEEPER: Many businesses wish to stay in contact with you when you are not at the work place. NEVER LET THEM DO THIS! Being in instant communication with your work place means more work. Sooner or later they will want to get hold of you, and won't be able to. This will make them mad.

WHEN THERE IS A CRISIS...HIDE: Being around when things get sticky is the way to success. As soon as a crisis breaks out, hide in the bathroom, or just go home.

MESS UP REPORTS WITH NUMBERS: Stick random numbers into any report that requires numbers.

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Copyright 1998-2006 by Hugh Holub