BUYING AND SELLING OFFICES AND VOTES (UPDATED DECEMBER 12,2008)

1. Never offer a vote or a political office for sale on the telephone.

2. Make sure the person offering to sell a vote or buy a vote isn't wired.

3. Make sure any payments are in small denomination bills or routed through a bank in the Cayman Islands.

4. If you can, sell your vote to several competing interests so there is no conflict of interest. Who is going to rat you out in that event?

5. Make sure you appropriately value your vote. How much will the buying party gain from your vote. Get at least 10%.

6. Remember our Motto..."What's In it For me?"

FUND-RAISING GUIDELINES

1. All political contributions must be in cash, in small denomination bills, so that the sources cannot be traced or remembered. A campaign financed by a large number of small contributions looks more grass-roots and democratic, anyway.

2. Take contributions from all sides of an issue, therefore no one can say they bought the candidate because too many conflicting interests will have the same claim. Contributions are supposed to buy access, therefore an effective fund-raising strategy is to " maximize access".

3. Never try and raise money while inside a government building or on a government job. This makes it look like the candidate is using taxpayer money to raise funds. Appearances are more importance than substances. The target knows you are the government and what that means. There is plenty of time after 5 pm to hustle for dough, and the parking lot is as good a place as any to solicit.

4. Never have the political candidate directly handle any money. The candidate can ask for money, but it has to be given to someone else to carry and spend. Remember, candidates never touch money. It looks tacky. And the candidate might spend the money.

5. Buy lots of television time and newspaper ad space with the money, because these are expenditures the media will never question. The more people who benefit from campaign expenditures, the fewer there are to question them.

6. Rewards are always made before the donation, therefore no one can claim they got the reward for the donation. Let them spend the night in the Governor's Mansion or the White House before they write the check. Of course, some people will rip the candidate off, but if the candidate wins, there is plenty of time to get even, or collect a belated donation.

7. Make sure anyone appointed to public office looks at least remotely qualified for the job so the candidate can deny the $100,000 they donated to the campaign had anything to do with them getting the job. If this is the last time the candidate is running for the position, make sure at least 3 different contributors think they're in line for the appointment, as this increases campaign cash-flow and the candidate's credibility when he or she claims they did not promise to job to any one person. (Then appoint a relative).

8. It is illegal to take money from foreign governments. Make sure the money comes from an account in the name of a US citizen.

9. There are only two kinds of people--friends and enemies. Friends give money. Enemies give subpoenas.

10. The only way to avoid illegal political contributions is to eliminate political contributions. Unfortunately, elimination of political contributions would make politics very unprofitable.

Stealing Elections

Our motto is: Vote early and vote often

Our election get-out-the-vote effort was pioneered by Mayor Richard Daley in 1960 when he stole the election from Richard Nixon.

1. Cemetery Voters: Read the obituaries every day. One must keep track of everyone who dies, so that they can be registered in the appropriate cemetery precinct. We have voters in the Mt. Olive Cemetery who have been voting for 100 years. Relatives will often assist as keeping the dead voter on the rolls also keeps the Social Security checks coming in. If you know of someone who used to live in Chicago and who died, they are still eligible to vote.

2. Homeless Voters: Register the homeless at the Cook County Courthouse instead of General Delivery. All they have to do is hang out at the courthouse one day a year to claim residency. Then round them up and give them free cigarettes to vote. We used to give them bottles of wine, but they couldn't remember to vote our way.

3. Nursing Home Voters: Early (or absentee) voting has greatly expanded our capabilities of increasing the turnout. Take bags full of early ballots to nursing homes, and get everyone in the home to vote...especially the Alzheimer's cases.

4. College Students: College kids like to screw the system, and they'll vote more than once just for the sheer pleasure of it, especially kids at Catholic universities.

5. Voters Who Have Moved: Voters who have moved often can vote in the precinct where they used to live, and then in their new precinct. They will not be on the rolls in the new precinct, so they'll vote a "Questioned Ballot". Not to worry. When the ballot is questioned after the election, we will have our political hacks permit the votes to be counted.

6. Voters Passing Through O'Hare: Many votes can be obtained by soliciting voter registration at our airports. They are legally residents of Chicago, at least for a few minutes.

7. Motor Voters: Take license plate numbers of out-of-state cars passing through on the freeways, run them through DMV to get their addresses, and automatically register them in Chicago. Then vote them. They won't know, since they actually live in Wyoming.

8. Illegal Aliens: Some of our most reliable voters are the thousands of illegal aliens we have in the city. In exchange for not telling INS where they live or work, one can get a solid block of votes.

9. Newborns: Our children are more and more precocious, so we register them at birth. Maternity wards are some of our best precincts.

10.Recount The Votes: In the unlikely event our candidates don't win the first count, then demand a recount. Fill the recount room with loyal supporters, and tow away the cars belonging to the enemy. If you can't win a recount, then you are not a Chicago Democrat.

BUY THE WHOLE BOOK

A parody self-help book that will teach you how to avoid being killed by the cops, how to live on 1/10th your income, how to wreck your life, and much more. Only $15.95 at Amazon.com

BACK TO THE BANDERSNATCH

Copyright 1998-2006 by Hugh Holub