Americans are obsessed with their health. If you eat right, quit smoking, exercise a lot, you won't have heart attacks, get cancer, and live well into your 90's. It is, one should think, theoretically possible to live forever...if you live right.

The problem is that all this attention to diet and exercise doesn't eliminate all the risks of mortality.

The medical staff at the General Delivery University has compiled a list of things to do or not do that will significantly increase your life span.

AVOID LIGHTNING: A person has a better chance of being killed by lightning, than many other risks. Stay inside, or in your car, when lightning is near.

DON'T PLAY GOLF DURING THUNDERSTORMS: Many lightning victims are killed on golf courses. It is safer to stay in the country club bar and drink than to go out on the course during a thunderstorm.

DON'T GET STUCK WAITING FOR A TRAIN TO PASS: Trains carry all kinds of nasty toxic chemicals. Should a train derail and you are too close, you could be toast. Avoid getting near trains.

AVOID PEANUT BUTTER: It is a little known fact that eating one peanut butter sandwich carries more risk of fatal consequences than drinking water with 5 parts per billion TCE in it for 70 years.

AVOID METEOR SHOWERS: In the same probability range of dying from cancer caused by drinking water with TCE in it at federal drinking water quality standards as getting hit by a meteorite. Stay inside during meteor showers.

DON'T DRIVE: Over 50,000 Americans are killed annually in automobile accidents. If you don't even get into a car, you significantly improve your chances of eternal life.

DON'T FLY: While it is well-known that it is much safer to fly than to drive, why take any chances?

AVOID IMMERSING YOURSELF IN WATER: Hundreds of people drown every year. Don't go into the water. Not even to bathe.

DRINK THE WATER: Oddly enough, one of the safer things you can do in America is drink tap water.

STAY INSIDE DURING THE DAY: Skin cancer is becoming a major health risk. Caused by exposure to sunlight, the best solution is to stay inside during daylight hours.

CHECK YOUR HOUSE FOR RADON: Obviously, staying inside your home as much as possible is a safe bet--as long as your home isn't filled with radon gas.

NO CONTACT WITH ELECTRICITY: Many people are electrocuted in stupid accidents while trying to do routine things like fix a broken light switch. Turn off your electricity permanently, and there won't be any risk.

GET RID OF YOUR GUNS: More Americans are shot by their own guns than by guns owned by strangers. A gunless home is a safer home.

NO NATURAL GAS OR FOSSIL FUEL HEATING OR COOKING SYSTEMS: People accidentally asphyxiate themselves every year by forgetting to turn of gas appliances, or because of improperly vented heating systems. You'll have to cook over a fire, and it'll be cold in the winter, but heck--people survived for millions of years without stoves or central heating. It is best to build your cooking fires outside, otherwise you could get lung cancer from the wood smoke.

EMPTY OUT YOUR HOME: Many fatalities are caused by home accidents--such as falling off a ladder or tripping over a rug. Get rid of all your furniture, rugs and appliances. An empty house is a safe house.

EAT ONLY NATURAL FOODS: Grow your own vegetables, and hunt for your own meat. Many backyards have abundant quantities of small animals and birds to hunt.

DRESS IN NATURAL FIBERS AND FUR: While it may not be politically correct to kill animals for their fur, there is an underutilized supply of dog and cat pelts available from your local animal shelter. Functional garments can also be created from straw and cardboard.

MINIMIZE CONTACT WITH STRANGERS: It is a well-known fact that many fatal diseases are passed from one stranger to another in public places.

INCREASE YOUR PHYSICAL ACTIVITY: If you follow the previous suggestions, you will undoubtedly work a lot harder, cutting your own fire wood, hunting rodents and sparrows with rocks, and hiding from storms.

CONCLUSION: While your lifestyle may end up resembling that of a cave person, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you've done everything possible to live forever. and, as a bonus, you will no longer be contributing to global warming, and you will be living in harmony with the natural environment.

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