No, this isn't going to be a column on how to improve your sex life. There are many other sources for that information on the Web.

This is an advice column on how to sleep with your lover.

After a twenty-five year study into the sleeping problems of couples, The Frumious Bandersnatch has uncovered a number of problems to identify early in a relationship to determine Sleeping Compatibility. These are questions and issues it would be wise to ask and answer before assuming a relationship is really serious. (Note: don't bother worrying about this problem for one-night stands).

1. Which side of the bed do you sleep on and which side of the bed does your lover sleep on?

This is an extremely important issue. If you both habitually sleep on the right hand side of the bed (or the left), you are not going to get much sleep in the same bed. All night long you will each be trying to push the other off the bed.

In the event you do not have "same side" compatibility, and want to sleep together on a regular basis in the same bed, then one of you will have to retrain to sleeping on the other side of the bed. This is not easily (trust us). The first problem is which one of you will retrain?

2. How often does each of you get up at night?

Older people tend to get up a lot at night....to go to the bathroom...to throw out the cat...or whatever. How many times do you get up versus how many times does your lover?

Then, a related issue arises...can you get up and do your thing without waking up your lover?

Practice slipping out of bed and not turning on the light.

3. What temperature is optimal for each of you to sleep in?

You might think this is a frivolous issue. It isn't if there is more than a 10 degree difference in your sleeping comfort level. It becomes a very serious issue if you like to sleep in 70 degrees and your lover likes 55 degrees. If you like a relatively warm bedroom to sleep in, check and see if your lover keeps the windows open at night, even if it is snowing outside.

4. How much do you roll around at night?

Some people can sleep in the same spot all night. Others roll around a lot. If both of you roll around a lot, there's bound to be a fight around 3 A.M.

5. Do either of you snore?

Snoring is a very serious problem, especially if you can't sleep while your lover is snoring away.

There are a lot of suggestions on how to stop snoring. But, short of smothering the other person, none of them work.

6. What time do you both wake up in the morning?

Some people like to wake up at 6 A.M., and others like to sleep in. It is really good when you both like to wake up at the same time. It gets worse and worse the wider the gap in wakeup time.

7. What kind of alarm do each of you use to wake up?

A lot of people like a radio station to come on at alarm time, with sweet, soothing music. Others trust the annoying buzz to get them conscious. Still others like country music, and others like rock. Before you start sleeping with someone, sneak into the bedroom and trigger their alarm to see if you can stand what will happen the next morning.

8. What do you both wear while sleeping?

This might seem trivial, but some people have these outrageous sleeping outfits, and others like to sleep naked. It can be a real shock when your lover comes out of the bathroom dressed in their sleeping costume. This isn't going to be the same person you think you love.

9. What happens during nightmares?

Do you flail around during a nightmare? Do you scream? Be prepared for some nasty surprises.

10. How many bathrooms are available?

Having two bathrooms available really makes a sleeping relationship work to its optimum. There's nothing that will chill a relationship more than both of you needing to go to the bathroom at the same time in the wee hours of the morning.

Conclusion: As nice as it seems to sleep together, many people are simply incompatible in the same bed. Your success in sleeping may require separate bedrooms.

Copyright 2000 by Hugh Holub

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