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HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP FAIL Billions of words have been written on how to save a marriage or make a
relationship work better. That's easy stuff--writing all those words. The
Department of Pathological Social and International Relations of the General
Delivery University has recently completed the definitive study of how to make
relationships fail, whether interpersonal or international. The same rules apply
to both. Herewith are excerpts from that GDU report: 1.
Always try and read the other person's mind. Never wait until
the other person (or country) explains itself. For example, your spouse could be
thinking the weather is nice today. Or she could be thinking you are dirt. Or
the Chinese could be thinking about improving their human relations record, or
they could be thinking about where to build a new prison for dissidents. Assume
you know how they are thinking, and act accordingly. 2.
Judge before you are judged. Everyone has an opinion about
everything. Get there first. Before the other side can decide you are a lying
scum, decide what they are--such as a worthless slime. Then act accordingly. 3.
Never give the other side the benefit of the doubt. Maybe your
spouse was out late because he was having such a good time talking to his mother
that he forgot it was 4 AM. Or maybe he was out sleeping with every table dancer
he could find that night. Which would you choose? Or maybe the Russians just had
an accident when the radar screen shows incoming missiles, or maybe they have
launched a pre-emptive strike on the US. Which would you choose? 4.
Always jump to conclusions. There are always two possible
meanings to anything. "You won't live long in this city" could be a
death threat, or a prediction that you will get a better job in another city and
move away. Or, "we vigorously oppose your intrusion into our domestic
affairs" could mean every nation has the right to protect its own
sovereignty, or we'll shoot all the political dissidents we want to. Which would
you conclude was true? 5.
Never seek any outside assistance. You might not be relating
well because your concept of being on time is to be half an hour late, and your
spouse might expect when you say you'll be home at midnight, that does not mean
3 AM. This could be resolved by mediation with a qualified professional for at
least $100 per hour, or the problem could be allowed to fester into outright
conflict. On the international scene, a third party nation could be called in to
mediate the dispute over whose fish they are, or you could sink their fishing
boats. 6.
What you say is what you mean, even if that isn't so. People
(or nations) rarely speak clearly to each other. "Stop jailing your
newspaper editors" spoken by the US State Department actually means
"we don't like what you're doing, but as long as our business people are
making lots of money importing your cheap goods produced with convict labor,
we'll just whine a bit and do nothing." This is in contrast to General
Douglas MacArthur saying "We shall return" and he actually did. Now we
tell the Japanese "we'll blockade your ships if you don't quit expecting us
to open our markets for your stuff while you lock US goods out of your
markets," which means "ship your stuff to Mexico and drive it across
the line". In personal relationships saying "you don't love me"
usually means "why haven't you helped me wash the dishes." Be very
careful in saying what you mean, and meaning to follow through...like saying
"I'll be back" when you have every intention of doing so at the
appointed time, only to find something going on you would rather have not known
for sure was going on. Always speak with misdirection, so the listener is trying
to figure out if you meant what you said, or something the opposite. 7.
Change your mind randomly and without notice. People like some
level of predictability in their lives. If you like eggs in yesterday morning,
you will probably like them next week. Or if you could sell Toyotas below cost
in California last month, you can do this next month. Predictability breeds
security and trust. Neither of these concepts is good for bad relations. Inject
a serious level of randomness in a relationship, which will always keep the
other side eyeing you with suspicion if not outright hostility. 8.
Always treat the other side like they were mentally deficient if
not criminally insane. Treating each other with respect breeds familiarity
and trust. On the other hand, if you always approach the other side with thinly
veiled contempt, or openly expressed hostility, then the relationship will never
flower and bloom into love. For example, always start a conversation with
phrases like "you come from a long line of mental deficients" or
"doesn't criminal insanity run in your family?" On the international
scene, treating foreign dignitaries like idiots really improves the chances of
war. 9.
Impute evil intentions to every act of the other. There is
always a good and a bad explanation for everything. If you always assume the
evil intention, you are likely to be right more than wrong. For example,
"you deliberately took my car and went out and had that accident even
though you were rear-ended" maintains an appropriate level of relational
dysfunction. Or "your nation has invaded my nation 6 times in the last 50
years so why should I trust your terrorist behavior" is a great way to
start peace negotiations if you don't want peace. A famous version of this
occurred in Arizona where Indians and Whites sat down to negotiate a treaty, and
the Indians started off by reciting how many of their relatives had been killed
by the Cavalry. The spokesman for the Whites responded by allowing as to how the
Cavalry quit too soon. Not another peaceful word has been exchanged between the
two sides in over 100 years. 10.
When all else fails, do not respond at all. Refusing to
respond to initiatives from the other side, especially well-intentioned gestures
of love and friendship, will always chill out an otherwise blossoming
relationship. On the world scene, offers of surrender sometime come at
inconvenient times, like before you can prove that the atom bomb works, or the
B-2 bomber can really fly through the rain and blow up that Iraqi city.
Pretending you don't understand the language, that the phones were dead, or that
you have a sudden and source-specific case of deafness does wonders to undermine
relational bliss and world peace.
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Copyright 1998-2006 by Hugh Holub