| Guido "Scarface" Linguini, Acting Commissioner of the Internal
Revenue Service, announced new reforms to that agency's rules in dealing
with taxpayers. The IRS has come under fire recently for its "mafia-like"
collection activities and disregard for taxpayers' rights.
"Starting next Monday," Linguini announced, "we will not pursue delinquent taxpayers after their death." Previously, the IRS was known to levy on the bodies of deceased taxpayers. Other reforms announced today include: 1. The IRS will respond to taxpayer complaints "within one or two years at the most". 2. The practice of setting collection quotas by IRS office will cease. "We will establish regional quotas, instead," Linguini announced. "We expect to get a certain percentage of revenues from the North, South, East and West," he added. 3. IRS will no longer presume it is always correct when it sends out a notice of delinquency to a taxpayer. "We will randomly sample the notices, and assume we have made a mistake in 1 out of every 32,000,000 such notices," Linguini added. 4. Harassment will no longer be the watchword for IRS agent behavior. "Intimidation, however, will still be allowed," Linguini noted. 5. The practice of targeting poor taxpayers for collection activity on the theory that poorer people would be less likely to hire lawyers and fight the IRS will be terminated. "We are going to shift our collection focus to middle-income taxpayers, meaning anyone making from $5,000 a year to $15,000 a year," Linguini commented. 6. Use of the IRS for political purposes will cease, according to Linguini. "No longer will a Congressman be able to ask us to audit his opponents." Requests for hostile audits will still be honored if made by the White House. 7. Particular types of taxpayers will become the targets of our new collection focus. "It is obvious tax evasion is more common in some businesses and professions than it is in others," Linguini noted. "Therefore we will target waitresses, lawyers, topless dancers, construction workers, and multi-level marketing promoters for audits," he added. 8. IRS will put on a new face to the public. "We will paint our offices a pretty blue, and ask our employees to quit wearing chain mail and black capes," Linguini proudly announced. 9. IRS will also change its motto from "stand and deliver" to "pay your taxes or else". 10. And in its final reform step, IRS will no longer follow children home from school. "I think we can wait to intimidate them when they grow up," Linguini said. |
