In the wake of increasing incidents of random violence against ordinary citizens by psychotics, the General Delivery Insurance Company is proud to announce its Mental Health Safety Insurance Plan.

"The premise of our Mental Health Safety Insurance is that the state and federal governments are defaulting their responsibility to lock up loonies," said General William "Bill" Delivery, President of General Delivery Insurance. "Thus, the probability of being pushed off a subway platform into the path of an on-coming train, or being attacked by a knife-wielding psycho, is becoming serious."

Statistic show that there are over 200,000 seriously mental ill people roaming our streets, who have no place for treatment since mental hospitals have been closed and the "prisoners" have been freed.

"The de-institutionalization of the mentally ill has greatly increased the risk of injury or death to the average citizen," added General Delivery.

Purchasers of General Delivery's new Mental Health Safety Plan will be assured that their risk of bodily harm would be significantly reduced.

"What we plan to do is invest about half the premium proceeds into building new private mental hospitals to lock up the crazies," said General Delivery. "If enough people buy our insurance, we could reverse the trend of budget-cutting in the mental health care field, and insure that every whacko gets treatment."

A quarter of the premiums would be set aside to pay traditional injury and death claims if one is attacked by a loony. The remainder of the premium would be pocketed by General Delivery Insurance for "overhead".

General Delivery Insurance proposes to construct a new mental health care facility called "Bum City" in central Nevada, to house the crazies that would be treated with proceeds from the Mental Health Safety Insurance.

"Bum City would look like the seedy part of any American city," said General Delivery. "We'd round up the schizos and dump them in Bum City, and they wouldn't know the difference." At least until they encountered the concertina wire perimeter.

"If our policy-holders quit paying their monthly premiums, we'd turn all the crazies loose," added General Delivery.

Mental Health professionals were guardedly anxious about the Mental Health Safety Insurance proposal. "It sort of works like a new tax, and anything is better than the system we have now," said Dr. Carl Young, head of the South Beach Psychiatric Hospital in Miami. "The real problem would be in protecting the civil rights of those referred to Bum City."

"I don't think there will be any problem in finding enough schizophrenics with huge case files involving violence for referral," said General Delivery. "Just send us everyone who is acquitted of a violent crime on the grounds of insanity."

General Delivery Insurance is also offering special group rates for police and fire departments, school teachers, and politicians.

Copyright 2000 by Hugh Holub