THE REAL NEWS ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING

ANICENT INDIANS FORECAST GLOBAL WARMING 12,000 YEARS AGO

Ancient Indians saw it coming, and thought it was their fault, too. MORE

GLOBAL WARMING TO BRING ON RETURN OF DINOSAURS

Recent studies have indicated that global warming will trigger vast biological changes around the planet, scientists at the General Delivery University announced yesterday.

"The increase in carbon dioxide will speed up the growth of plants, and jungles will expand all over the place," said Dr. Andre Carne, head of the GDU College of Fossil Sales.

"The animal life will have to adapt to the much warmer environment," Dr. Carne added, "resulting in significant changes."

"The planet will revert to a condition much like it was over 300 million years ago," Dr. Carne said.

"We speculate that the ultimate effect of global warming will be the return of the dinosaurs," he added.

The return of the dinosaurs is predicated upon the relationship of much larger plants, fueled by higher carbon dioxide levels, and increased sizes of animal life.

"Lizards will keep getting bigger and bigger and pretty soon they'll be huge," said Dr. Carne. "Birds may re-evolve backwards into their predecessor creatures," he added.

Other scientists discounted the GDU theory of dinosaur return. "Nonsense," said Dr. Henry Henner at the Idaho School of Ancient Rocks. "What we're going to see is the evolution of extremely large insects."

Meanwhile, representatives at the 44th annual "What Are We Going To Do About Global Warming Conference" in Oslo continued to debate the economic impacts of the looming climate change. Oil producing nations want economic assistance in the event oil consumption is reduced to slow down the advent of global warming. Oil consuming nations countered that the revival of dinosaurs will simply replenish the world's oil supply, eventually.

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON SEA LEVEL RISE

TUCSON: Scientists at the General Delivery University announced today that the cause of global warming is a rise in world sea levels.

"We have been studying the correlation between biological or climate zones and elevation," said Dr. Hiram Salase, head of the GDU College of Irrelevant Subjects, "and we noticed that around Baja Arizona the pine forests were 1,000 feet lower 10,000 years ago than they are today."

The GDU study also noticed that other Arizona climate zones were lower in elevation than in modern times.

The discovery was based on studying pack rat middens.

"The pack rats would build a midden or nest, and for thousands of generations they'd use the same nest," said Salase. "The nests were huge, and consisted of layer upon layer of stuff cemented together with pack rat urine and feces. What we discovered was that 10,000 years ago the pack rats were eating pine cone seeds, and as time passed, their food shifted to oak nuts, and then to mesquite beans."

This meant that the pine trees had disappeared, to be replaced first by a lower elevation oak forest, and then by an even lower elevation mesquite forest.

The conclusion reached by GDU scientists was that the site had originally been nearly 6,000 feet above sea level, but was now only 5,000 feet above sea level.

"The change in elevation occurred over just 10,000 years, so it wasn't caused by the land rising through geological forces," Dr. Salase explained.

The GDU scientists then studied adjacent coast lines, and found that the ocean had risen nearly 1,000 feet over the same period of time.

"Actually, the fact that sea levels were lower at the end of the Ice Age is a pretty well accepted fact," said Dr. Salase, "you know, like the Bering Straight was a land connection to Asia, and all that."

What that meant was land elevations were 1,000 feet higher back then.

"There is also a well accepted fact, at least in Arizona, that the lower the elevation, the hotter it is," Dr. Salase added. "Tucson, for example, is at 2,500 feet above today's sea level. Phoenix is only 1,500 feet above sea level, and it is hotter there."

If sea levels continue to rise, say another 1,000 feet, then Tucson would only be 1,500 feet above sea level, and thus would get hotter. "Phoenix would only be 500 feet above sea level, and would probably be uninhabitable," noted Dr. Salase, smiling.

"It is also clear that it is getting hotter, so it is obvious that sea levels are continuing to rise," concluded Dr. Salase.

Thus, according to the GDU research team, the way to prevent global warming is to stop sea levels from rising.

PHOENIX SHOWS FUTURE OF GLOBAL WARMING

It's summer in Phoenix, which means daily high temperatures exceed 110 degrees. At night the temperature rarely dips below 80, and sometimes hovers in the 90's.

Phoenix is an outdoor sauna in the summer.

Phoenix is also home to more right wing crazy people per square mile than any place in America. Barry Goldwater based his political career in Phoenix. So did John McCain. Politically Phoenix is to the right of the rest of the country. It's Republicans are rabid and reactionary. Just look at Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpio who hunts down maids and gardeners for a living. Look at the Arizona State Legislature who mostly come from Pheonix.

It has something to do with the heat frying people's brains.

The problem is that with the advent of global warming, summer temperatures in excess of 110 degrees for weeks on end will not be limited to Phoenix. Dallas, Houston, Miami, Atlanta, and a host of other major American cities are going to become solar ovens.

What does this mean for America?

It means that the hotter it gets, the more Republicans there are going to be.

Not moderate Republicans, either. Republicans that think Sarah Palin is the Second Coming. Republicans that want everyone to carry concealed weapons who can qualify for a concealed carry permit (which will not be available to liberals or minorities). Republicans that will abolish all but the essential elements of government. Forget public schools, and public health.

Which is why it is most curious that Republicans are still in denial about global warming being real.

Global warming will be the salvation of the GOP.

The hotter it gets, the crazier people get. And the more they turn into Republicans. Just look at Phoenix.

WHITE HOUSE TO BE UNDER WATER

GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED ON TERRORISTS

WASHINGTON: President George W. Bush, in a sudden turnabout, announced today that he believes global warming to be a real threat to the United States.

Bush linked the growing evidence that a massive climate change is looming and blamed it on Al Qaeda.

"It is the fault of the terrorists that the climate is turning against us," said Bush from the Oval Office.

"The terrorists have conspired to change the climate and we must stop them," Bush said.

Scientists were surprised at Bush's sudden acceptance of the risk of global warming, but were willing to accept Bush's conversion even if his logic was a bit twisted.

"The evidence is clear that global warming is caused by excessive reliance on fossil fuels, and if Bush wants to blame Osam bin Laden, then who cares as long as we start doing something about the problem," said Willy B. Greene, chief climatologist and the General Delivery University.

Recent forecasts show a sea level rise of around 200 feet, which would place the first floor of the White House under water.

"I guess Bush doesn't want to be remembered as the President who ended up putting the White House in the middle of the Potomac River," said Green.