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In order to promote more tourism in Nogales, the Ambos Nogales Tourism Organization has announced that guided tours of Nogales' infamous drug tunnels would start in several weeks.

"Nogales is world famous for the quantity and quality of its drug tunnels," said Polly Cracker, head of the ANTO.

"We have the longest drug tunnel ever discovered, as well as one which had electric lights and a ventilation system," Cracker added.

Most of the Nogales drug tunnels don't attempt to cross the US-Mexico border, but connect with the elaborate system of storm drains under the City that connect to a major tunnel that runs under the DeConcini Port into Mexico.

"Both drug smugglers and alien smugglers use the main tunnel to get into the US, then access their private tunnels through the storm drain system," said Carlos Cerca, head of the local Drug Enforcement Agency office. "Some of the tunnels were probably constructed during Prohibition."

Since no one knows where all the storm drains are located beneath Nogales, new drug tunnels are being discovered almost daily.

"You can't hardly dig a hole near the border without punching into a drug tunnel," said Cerca.

The Drug Tunnel Tours for Tourists will cost $50 each, and includes an armed escort. "We have a special reward program for tourists who discover a new drug tunnel while on a tour," said ANTO's Cracker. "Anyone finding a new drug tunnel will get a week's free vacation, including airfare, to Bogota, Columbia," she added.


After their much touted success in reducing illegal immigration from Mexico, the US Border Patrol announced recently that they would now focus on stemming the tide of illegal Canadians entering the US.

"We were very effective in snarling traffic on Interstate 19 so we could peer into the cars and trucks and identify undocumented aliens (UDAs) from Mexico," said Iva Gotcha, spokesperson for the Border Patrol. "And through the use of our scientific profiling methods, we could wave the Anglo- appearing people right through and harass the darker skinned folks who were obviously suspicious looking."

While this program was effective in stopping UDA's from Mexico trying to enter the US via the Interstate highway system, studies indicate the death rate skyrocketed due to exposure and dehydration for UDA's trying to sneak across the border in remote desert and mountain areas . "The good news," said Gotcha, "was that the death rate for highway accidents among UDAs declined."

In order to justify obstructing the freeway, the Border Patrol decided to concentrate on slowing the flow of illegal Canadians into the US.

"It is a well-known problem that millions of Canadians are dying to watch US television shows and buy more expensive prescription drugs in the US," said Gotcha, "so we are now profiling to spot those alien Canadians."

The profile for identification of illegal Canadians is the paleness of their skins.

"The whiter they are, the more likely they are coming from way far north where there's not a lot of sunshine," said Gotcha.

The Border Patrol conceded that hassling pale people as well as brown people served to reduce complaints that only one racial profile group was being hassled. "Now, we got justification to hassle everyone," said Gotcha.


According to the usually uninformed sources, the Arizona State Prison Department has announced that a new state prison will be constructed in Santa Cruz County dedicated to exclusively housing prisoners from Nogales and Santa Cruz County.

"We are trying to reduce the cost of incarceration per prisoner," said Deputy Warden Joe Bob Wrangle, "and we realized we were spending far too much money to house the criminals from Nogales."

The State Prison decided that huge fences, guards, and the other trappings of a prison weren't necessary to contain convicts from Nogales.

"The other prisoners, especially the ones from Phoenix and Tucson, are constantly trying to escape, so we have to provide maximum security," said Deputy Warden Wrangle.

"But, we realized that the convicts from Nogales never successfully tried to escape," added Wrangle.

"We studied the problem and discovered that whenever a prisoner from the Nogales area tried to hatch an escape plot, the other Nogales inmates would turn him in, or somehow frustrate his efforts. In one case, the other inmates actually got out of the facility and caught an escapee from Rio Rico and brought him back to prison," Wrangle continued.

"There's something very different about the mentality of the people from down there, but it is good for us because we can contain them without hardly any expense," the Deputy Warden concluded.

The new Santa Cruz State Prison will be located next to the border. "If anyone does escape, and they flee into Mexico, that's just one less problem we have," said Wrangle.

Copyright 2001 by The Frumious Bandersnatch Publishing Company LLC