"Zonies" (what San Diegans call Arizonans) find San Diego somewhat confusing. First of all, it isn't flat. Then there's this impossibly big body of water over to the west called the Pacific Ocean.

In order to assist the first-time Zonie, the Frumious Bandersnatch has prepared this Official Zonie Guide to San Diego. (Before using this Guide, remember, we have been voted the least trustworthy site on the Web).

"No Vacancy" is the unofficial motto of San Diego. Make reservations for a place to stay before you arrive.

Get a map of San Diego. While it won't actually help you very much, it will make you feel better.

Visiting the San Diego Zoo and Sea World are obligatory stops on your trip, especially if you have children. Admission prices are always higher than you expect, so get one of those discount admission coupon books that everyone else standing in line seems to have.

The outside is air conditioned. You might actually need a sweater at night.

Those funny little yellow signs on the freeway near the border showing a family fleeing are serious. Illegal immigrants run across the road to avoid the Border Patrol, and several are killed every year.

Whatever lane you are in will be the wrong one. Keep going to the next interchange or intersection before making your turn. Zonies are to San Diego streets and roads what Snowbirds are to ours.

Horton Plaza in downtown San Diego shows what downtown restoration is all about. This is an absolute must visit place. Then remember Horton Plaza the next time you are in downtown Tucson.

If you don't have reservations for dinner, get there early. Some San Diego restaurants even have cheaper prices around 5 pm.

That hazy stuff in the morning is fog. It is safe to breathe.

Wander around La Jolla, get a copy of the local real estate listings and ask yourself, how can people afford to live there?

Take the trolley down to the border, and visit Tijuana. Whatever presumptions you have about Mexican cities (especially if your only experience is Nogales, Sonora) will be shaken. Tijuana is a BIG and modern city.

The Pacific Ocean is salty. You can't drink it. And be careful about admitting you are from Arizona because we're being accused of stealing San Diego's water. And, by the way, the stuff that comes out of the taps is the same thing as Central Arizona Project water. It isn't killing anyone in San Diego.