10 THINGS THAT WONT HAPPEN IN 2010

Most media outlets predict what will happen in the coming year. Since we are notably contrary, we have chosen to predict what will NOT happen in 2010. They are:

REPUBLICANS AND DEMOCRATS WILL NOT ACT COOPERATIVELY. Bi-partisanship is dead and buried. Republicans are betting their future on trying to block everything the Democrats propose. Assuming this works and the Republicans regain control of the House and Senate, you can be sure the Dems will repay the GOP in kind. We need to bring back dueling.

UNEMPLOYMENT WILL NOT DROP BELOW 10%. Contrary to all the positive noise coming from economists, the unemployment rate will Not drop below 10% during 2010. Millions are losing their homes, and the job market has permanently shrunk in many sectors. The Great Recession is going to look a lot more like the Great Depression to many Americans who are being left behind in this smaller economy.

IRAQ WAR WILL NOT END. The insurgents will continue blowing cars and trucks up in Iraq, hoping that a civil war will break out that they can take advantage of. US forces will continue to be caught in the cross-fire.

AFGHAN WAR WILL NOT GET BETTER. Things will not improve in Afghanistan as the Taliban continue to push back on US forces from their havens in Pakistan.

GLOBAL WARMING DEBATE WILL NOT GO AWAY. Fueled by the leaked emails, opposition to global warming will grow among supporters of Sarah Palin.

SARAH PALIN WILL NOT GO AWAY. The old adage you can fool some of the people all the time will be supported by the fact that support for Sarah Palin will continue to grow among right wing nuts.

HEALTH INSURANCE PREMIUMS WILL NOT GO DOWN. Not withstanding whatever heath care reform finally gets to President Obama's desk in 2010, health insurance companies will figure out ways to raise premiums and reduce coverage.

WALL STREET BANDITS WILL NOT GIVE BACK BONUS MONEY. Even in the face of massive opposition, Wall Street's financial alchemists will get and keep millions in bonuses in 2010. These folks have absolutely no shame.

US WILL NOT CAPTURE OSAMA BIN LADEN . For the 9th year in a row the US will fail in capturing Osama Bin Laden. Have you wondered why this is so?

GASOLINE PRICES WILL NOT GO BELOW $2.00 A GALLON. Like this is hard to predict?

TOP STORIES OF 2009

Are we glad 2009 is over. What a sucky year. We lost our jobs and almost ended up homeless. 2010 doesn't look a whole lot better, but we've gotten used to the bill collectors hounding us. Like how do they think we're gonna pay when we got no income?

Anyway, there are the top stories of 2009 from the Frumious Bandersnatch archives:

PHOENIX SHOWS FUTURE OF GLOBAL WARMING

It's summer in Phoenix, which means daily high temperatures exceed 110 degrees. At night the temperature rarely dips below 80, and sometimes hovers in the 90's.

Phoenix is an outdoor sauna in the summer.

Phoenix is also home to more right wing crazy people per square mile than any place in America. Barry Goldwater based his political career in Phoenix. So did John McCain. Politically Phoenix is to the right of the rest of the country. It's Republicans are rabid and reactionary. Just look at Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpio who hunts down maids and gardeners for a living. Look at the Arizona State Legislature who mostly come from Pheonix.

It has something to do with the heat frying people's brains.

The problem is that with the advent of global warming, summer temperatures in excess of 110 degrees for weeks on end will not be limited to Phoenix. Dallas, Houston, Miami, Atlanta, and a host of other major American cities are going to become solar ovens.

What does this mean for America?

It means that the hotter it gets, the more Republicans there are going to be. 

Not moderate Republicans, either. Republicans that think Sarah Palin is the Second Coming. Republicans that want everyone to carry concealed weapons who can qualify for a concealed carry permit (which will not  be available to liberals or minorities). Republicans that will abolish all but the essential elements of government. Forget public schools, andpublic health.

Which is why it is most curious that Republicans are still in denial about global warming being real. 

Global warming will be the salvation of the GOP.

The hotter it gets, the crazier people get. And the more they turn into Republicans. Just look at Phoenix.

NEW EVOLUTIONARY HEALTH CARE PLAN PROPOSED

Republican Senator Fred Freebush (R-Baja Arizona) announced a counter version of health care reform to offset Obama's health reform efforts.

"My health care plan is evolutionary," said Freebush. "It is based on survival of the fittest."

The Freebush plan would not cost US taxpayers one penny.

"My plan is aimed at avoiding increasing the federal deficit by making sure we don't pay any tax dollars for health care," Freebush said.

The core of Freebush's plan is to assume that at least 20% of the American public won't be able to afford health insurance and will die.

"There's got to be winners and losers in this society," Freebush said. "That's what America is all about."

People who can afford health insurance will get it, and people who can afford health care will get it under the Freebush plan. People whose jobs don't provide health insurance, or who cannot afford to pay for doctors, just won't get health care.

"There's a reason why some people can't afford health care," said Freebush, "and maybe it is God's way of saying those people aren't valuable enough or productive enough to be part of our society."

Critics of Freebush's plan said it looks a lot like the status quo.

"That's not true," said Freebush. "I propose to actually eliminate the subsidies for the poor that are in the system now. Either a person pays fore health insurance and health care themselves, or they don't get. That means cutting back on existing subsidy programs."

This draconian proposal is exactly what is going to happen if meaningful reform is not adopted, said a source at the White House. "The cost of the existing broken system will overwhelm states and the federal government and we'll just have to keep cutting benefits for Medicare and Medicade until both programs don't exist."

"That's exactly what we want," said a GOP official.

GENERAL MOTORS TO CHANGE NAME TO GOVERNMENT MOTORS

General Motors announced today that they will change their name to Government Motors.

"We could still keep our GM logo," said an official with GM.

US government officials had a mixed response to the GM proposal. "You know who will get the blame if this doesn't work out," said a White House official.

Several Indian tribes have offered to take the Pontiac brand of GM cars in exchange for ownership of the Pontiac assembly plant. "We think an Indian made car would really be a hot item," said a spokesman for the consortium of Tribes proposing the deal. "We'll sell them at our casions."

Some began projecting what kind of cars Government Motors would make in the future.

One vision was a lot of small, energy efficient cars that would end US dependence on foreign oil.

"That is a fantasy," said Fred Freebush, a Republican Senator from Baka Arizona. "What the government will end up making will look a lot like those Soviet era cars the Russians made...big, ugly, inefficient...just like the federal government itself."

"Just wait. They will come up with a car that gets 50 miles to the gallon only if it goes backward."

CHINESE CONSPIRACY TO DESTROY AMERICA

America will collapse in the very near future. The cause will be all the shoddy Chinese made stuff in the US that will all fail at the same time.

We loved getting all that new stuff so cheap. This was especially helpful when our incomes didn't keep up with inflation.

But now we're in deep kimshee, and can't afford to buy anything new any more.

Have you noticed what's happening?

Everything that was made in China is failing or breaking.

Yes, the stuff was cheap. You get what you pay for. It was so badly made, using such inferior materials, you were lucky the stuff lasted as long as it did.

The theory was sure it would fail. It was intended to fail, so you'd have to buy replacements, keeping the Chinese economy booming.

But now the revenge is coming. You can't buy replacements, putting millions of Chinese out of work. So all the Chinese made crap is failing, and our country is going to grind to a halt one morning soon.

If you doubt this Conspiracy Theory, whenever something quits working or breaks, look at where it was made. 99.9% will be from China. Start piling the worthless crap in your front yard. See how fast the pile grows.

THE END IS NEAR!!!!!!!

NEW FORMS OF TORTURE ALLOWED

In an effort to allow for some "enhanced" interrogation without violating the Geneva Convention limitations on torture, the Obama Administration Justice Department issued a new set of guidelines recently.

Suspected terrorists can be subjected to the following tactics to induce their cooperation:

Subjects may be forced to watch American Idol and Dancing With The Stars for hours and hours.

Subjects may be fed a diet for a minimum of 30 days exclusively derived from McDonalds.

Subjects will also be required to see the movie "Supersize Me" every morning.

Subjects will be driven around fo one hour each day in taxi cabs driven by Nigerians.

Subjects may be brought before Congressional Committees to be interrogated.

PIGS PROTEST FLU NAME

Washington: (April 27, 2009) The American Pig Association filed a formal protest with the Center for Disease Control over the name of the new strain of flu that erupted in Mexico that is being called the Swine Flu./p>

"It demeans the porcine pride to have a pandemic named after us," said Porky, the pig spokesman.

The Pig group uggested the flu be called the Mexican Bird Flu since the virus also has avian DNA and the first cases were reported in Mexico.

The Mexican government had no problem with calling the disease a bird flu, but objected to tagging it with Mexico.

"We'd rather it be given a less offensive name like Avian 3 or Bird 12," said a spokesman for the Mexican Institute of Health. "After the Hong Kong flu epidemic, we think it is bad for tourism to name diseases after cities or countries."

US health officials, nevertheless, issued a travel advisory urging people to avoid traveling to Mexico because of the flu epidemic.

"However, you are more likely to get caught in the crossfire of a drug cartel shootout in Mexico than catch the flu," said an official with the State Department.

The European Union issued its own health advisory, urging Europeans to avoid traveling to the United States, even though the only US cases so far were traced to people who recently visited Mexico.

"We never avoid an opportunity to stick it to the United States," said a spokesperson for the EU.

Meanwhile panic spread throughout the world as governments freaked out and the public contemplated sudden death from a source over which they have no control.

TREASURY HIRES SOMALI PIRATES

Washington: In an effort to kill two birds with one stone, the US government has launched an experiment to relocate Somali pirates to the east coast of the United States. The purposes of the pirate relocation are to reduce the pirate attacks on ships off the African coast, and to get back money paid for US corporations to their executives.

"There's the concept of setting a thief to catch a thief," said a spokesman for the US Treasury Department, which hired several Somali pirate crews and moved them to Long Island.

"We've made a deal with the pirates to let them keep 50% of any ransoms they get from corporate officials whose yachts they hijack," said the Treasury official. "We get the other 50%."

"We've also given them a list of target boats to look for owned by executives who we think got obscene bonuses," the official added.

The Treasury Department Pirate  Asset Recovery Team, as it is now being called, will seek corporate official boats based in New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Massachusetts. "We will expand the program to other port areas where their are a lot of executive boats like Houston if the program works," said the Treasury official.

Also under consideration is allowing the Somali pirates to hijack corporate jets. Details are still being worked out between Treasury and the Department of Homeland Security which would have to eliminate security requirements at private airports on Long Island and other locations with high concentrations of corporate planes

FEDERAL BUDGET PROPOSED

US ECONOMY GIANT PONZI SCHEME

BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS DISCOVERED IN IRAQ